GAYUMATTACK

Meet Dr. Sven Larsen. He’s a Swedish mad scientist. He’s a comic book character. And he listens to ABBA. Not that there’s anything wrong… with being a comic book character. 

And as many a Swedish mad scientist, ABBA-listening comic book character is wont to do, Sven clumsily fell into his own homemade experimental vat of amino acids (Don’t you hate when that happens?) that gave him (wait for it)… super-powers. What type of super-powers, you ask? Did he gain the proportionate strength of a mosquito? Did he gain a pair of claws, a rug full of chest hair and an aerodynamic hairdo? Did he gain the power to make people lose their will to live by forcing them to listen to a perpetually looping ABBA playlist in their heads? No, he gained the power to become an animal, mineral or vegetable — all at the same time. Thus, he came up with the most original superpower name of all time: Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. (Seriously. As serious as comic books can be.)  

Of course, what do Swedish mad scientists do when they gain superpowers such as these? Do they audition for a spot on Sweden’s Got Talent? Did he snag the lead role in the Swedish version of Mamma Mia? Did he make his own sex scandal video? No, Sven —in rather stereotypical mad scientist fashion — became a super-villain who battled a DC Comic book super team called The Doom Patrol, a group of super-powered misfits who banded together to battle injustice, two-dimensional megalomaniacs and bad hair days.

But little does Sven know that he has yet to meet his ultimate nemesis: Pinoy psychic/mystic/television producer Ruel Ruiz. Because if ever this poor Swede-faced Ruel engaged in a battle royale, Ruel would pulverize him into a Swedish meatball, harvest all of his organs, bottle them up, and sell them at a 10-percent discount outside of Quiapo Church.

That’s because Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man’s body is the stuff of a perfect gayuma (love potion). (Which is why I am wondering that he did not make his own sex scandal video.) And if we add some of our bodily fluids (your choice of fluid of course) into the mix, the gayuma has the potential to become more — shall we say — dastardly. In fact, Ruel can cook up a batch of gayuma that would make you so gosh-darn lovable that people won’t even question your taste in movies or your choice of clothes or your National Artist Award (God have mercy on us).

Expiry Date

PHILIPPINE STAR: You said a very potent gayuma was made from one third iron phosphate (like the one you find in multivitamins), one third taheebo (make mine Marvel), one third dove claw nails, and a dash of, um, easily extractable human secretions. If you whip up a batch of these ingredients in proper proportions, then it will result in a sense of excitement, arousal and irritable genitalia in your intended target. But do all gayumas necessarily put the target of your affection in such a state of arousal that it may raise the ire of the Catholic Church and the Bureau of Food and Drug Administration? Is there a way to make gayumas less libidinous? You know, like PG-13 gayumas?

RUEL RUIZ: If you just want to entice instead of arouse, remove the animal portion of the gayuma.

That’s good to hear. Many innocent dove claws will be spared.

And remove the human contribution to the gayuma as well.

I’m not sure though if the humans will be happy to take back their contributions.

Just leave behind the iron phosphate and plant ingredients. This will be enough to entice the object of your affection.

And it will also make the pharmaceutical companies very happy as well. How long exactly does a gayuma last on its intended target? I might need to stock up again on multivitamins and bodily fluids before my wife regains her senses.

Yes, gayumas have an expiration date. Three years is the maximum period of time that a gayuma can remain effective. After that period, the body of the ginayuma (the person who has been made gayuma) gets used to the gayuma and it no longer works. You have to keep on increasing and increasing the dosage.

When my wife finally regains her senses, she will just have to live with the fact that she married someone with matinee idol looks, rock-hard abs and bouts of delusion.

Genie In A Bottle

I understand that there are gayumas that you can wear on your person as an amulet or a charm. What are these made of? Preserved twigs? Dry cow poop? Preserved boar penis?

There are many levels of gayumas. And this one is known as a sympathetic gayuma.

Yes, I do sympathize with that boar.

Unlike the potion-type of gayuma, the amulet-type of gayuma gives out certain vibrations that make you attractive to your target. However, the target may be immune to the amulet if he or she has a particularly strong mental constitution.

No wonder so many congressmen appear to be under a spell.

Those bottled gayumas are not really charms, but rather ingredients that must be used when they are within the proximity of the intended target. An example of these bottled gayumas is beet root mixed with deer antlers and soaked in oil. The person with the gayuma puts a little bit of the mixture on the tip of his or her tongue and then spits it into the soft drink of the intended target to have them drink it.

So that’s why there’s always an extra fizz in my soda whenever yaya hands me a drink.

Like A Virgin

Concocting a gayuma: is it as easy as it sounds? Aren’t there any pre-mixed ingredients, save for my bodily fluids, that we can buy at your neighborhood albulayro (herbalist), pour some water on, then stick into a microwave?

Gayuma making is really cooking. It requires the proper timing, the right amount of heat, and a clean set of pots and pans. You have to make sure that the cooking utensils are squeaky clean or else you might add impurities to the formulation add impurities to the concoction at napapanis yung gayuma (spoiling the gayuma). 

I didn’t realize my bodily fluids could spoil any further. While brewing a gayuma, is there any type of mysticism involved to make sure that it works? Do you need to recite an orasyon (prayer) Do you have to swallow a magic stone and shout “Darna”? Do you need virgin sacrifices (because that might be hard to come by)?

There are certain gayumas that require an orasyon. The most popular orasyon is a Greek prayer that goes “Salom Arepo Tenet Opera Molas.” It appears in the Venus Pentacles and it means “to love” or “to adore.” This is recited to conjure or invoke Venus energy for love and this works for any gayuma.

That sure beats “Bippity Boppety Boo.” Is there any ritual associated with preparing the gayuma? Any dance numbers involved? Jazz hands? Moonwalking? Crotch-grabbing while singing in falsetto?

In my formulations of gayuma, the most important thing that you must remember is: Are you really sure about what you are doing, and if you do apply the gayuma, hindi ka ba magsisisi (will you rue the consequences of your actions) afterwards? Let’s say that your target falls in love with you so much so that he or she goes to your house and stones it just to get your attention.

My wife likes to stone me as well, but I’m not sure it’s because of gayuma.

Following The Leader

Let’s say you eventually lose interest in the person to whom you’ve given the gayuma. How do you get him or her to stop liking you? To stop stoning your house or to stop from installing spy cameras in you banyo or to stop from voting in favor of a Senate-less constituent assembly?

All gayumas have antidotes. However, if someone gets a gayuma from me, I don’t give them an antidote because I want them to own up to the consequences of their actions.

Karma would like to thank you for the help.

However, if you know of a person na ginayuma, I need to know what type of gayuma was used on him or her. So I need to ask for a sample of that person’s sweat or urine. Then I’ll try to find out what type of gayuma was used so I can come up with an antidote.

That must really piss you off. But can a person actually tell if he or she has been given gayuma?

That’s a problem. You will never know yourself if you’ve ingested a gayuma. You will just be surprised that your attitude has suddenly changed towards a certain person. Even if you think, “Maybe that person made me gayuma?” you will end up doubting yourself and think, “No, it’s not true, I really, really love that person.” Other people will have to tell you that you’ve been a victim of gayuma. They will tell you, “Ba’t ang tanga tanga mo, sunud-sunuran ka diyan (Why are you so damned stupid, following everything that he/she asks you to do)!?”

Many under de saya (henpecked) husbands resemble, este, resent that remark.

But if your close friends suspect that you are under the influence of a gayuma, they should secure a sample of your urine for me, so that I can make an antidote to the gayuma. And then the job of your close friends is to get you to drink the antidote without you knowing.

(RJ’s thoughts: Pare, pahinging ihi mo naman. Bakit? Kasi love kita, pare. [Dude, can I ask for some of your urine. Why? Because I love you, dude].)

But can you test yourself to find out it you’ve been made gayuma?

That’s even more difficult. The gayuma you have ingested “knows” exactly the antidote that will make it ineffective. For example, if you don’t like to eat a certain type of fish but — for the life of you — you don’t know the reason why. That’s probably because the effects of the gayuma will be reversed if you eat that fish.

I knew there was a reason why I turned vegetarian.

Cool Ka Lang

Now for our public service message to my three female readers, to the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB), and to the chemically imbalanced, can you give us a recipe for gayuma that we can make with basic household ingredients?

If you have baking soda (mineral), cinnamon powder or sticks or lavender scents (vegetable) and burnt hair from a cat’s tail (animal), just mix that all together and you will have a gayuma that you can use on others (or even on yourself) if you want to become more adventurous. Or more kinky.  

You do realize that if this gayuma goes right, the Population Commission might come after you? But if the gayuma goes wrong, you will be swimming in urine samples. Lastly, is there any way to protect yourself from a gayuma when in public? Should you wear protective clothing, should you have a full body bubble wrap, or should you have dismally low approval ratings?

Here is the universal rule: Gayumas will not work when there is menthol in your system. Whether you eat mentholated candies or even brush with mentholated toothpaste, this is enough to serve as a buffer to gayuma.

But doesn’t menthol cause impotence? So that means you will be gayuma-free but impotent. That’s a winning combination. If you’re a eunuch.

* * *

For comments, suggestions or a urine test, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sub subscribers. Or email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net.

Ruel’s book Potions, Gayumas atbp published by Psicom will be available in bookstores next month. You can also email Ruel at razuli88@yahoo.com.