Fantasy Hollywood: What if ______ directed ‘Star Wars’?
THESE AREN’T THE DROIDS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR - Jiggy and Jonty Cruz (The Philippine Star) - January 18, 2013 - 12:00am

For some strange and wonderful reason, George Lucas has decided to make new Star Wars movies, but this time, with a new director at the helm. Geek masters such as JJ Abrams, Guillermo Del Toro and Joss Whedon have all said no or at the very least only went as far as thinking about directing the movie. Lucas and company are still searching, with Duncan Jones rumored to be the leading candidate, everyone and their know-it-all titos and titas, have given their thoughts on who should be the next director of Star Wars. While known sci-fi creators are the focus of conversation, here are some suggestions we took all the way from left field.

Star Wars: Episode Snootchie Bootchies – directed by Kevin Smith

If Kevin Smith were to direct the next Star Wars film, we’re anticipating loads of dialogue. Like the opening ascending yellow text would be 90 percent snarky dialogue. Remember the Sandtroopers from Episode IV who got the Jedi mind trick from Obi-Wan? Imagine that scene was 25 minutes of just mindless back and fourth. This will be known as the Star Wars movie with the fewest lightsaber fights and the most allusions to lightsabers as penises. Throw in cameos by Ben Affleck and Jason Lee, more than one instance of people getting high in, say, Cloud City, and as always, Claire Forlani reprising her role as a beautiful woman with daddy issues. Half slice-of-life movie set in space and half sci-fi stoner flick, it pretty much won’t sell at the box office but give it a couple of years; it’ll be a cult classic with kids loving Kevin Smith before they eventually move on to Wes Anderson.

Star Wars:  Episode Seven Dark Thirty – directed by Kathryn Bigelow

While the backdrop of the movie is of the destruction of the Death Star, the story actually focuses on a young princess/senator, Leia. The first 30 minutes of the film will be spent with Lando Caldrin torturing a captured Stormtrooper. At one point, Lando will cover the Stormtrooper with fur and make it walk like an Ewok. Disturbing stuff. Several more scenes will involve the torture of Stormtroopers, switching occasionally to Leia dealing with the seemingly all-male bureaucrats of the Rebel Alliance until she gets the go-signal to destroy the Death Star with a team led by a cocky Han Solo who looks a lot like that actor from Parks and Recreation. While the movie is still called Star Wars, what sets this film apart from the others is Bigelow’s direction to show the politics of war than the war itself with prominent scenes detailing the gritty assembling of an X-Wing assault from inception to permission rather than just simply showing the said assault. And when the assault does come, there will be no John Williams action score, no fast-cut scenes, and only the sweet and somber magic of a dragged out spaceship fight. This movie will prove controversial with die-hard geeks demanding that Bigelow reveal her sources in making her movie. But Bigelow will have none of it, because if you didn’t know already, Kathryn Bigelow is better than us all.

Star Wars VII: The Estrogen Strikes Back - directed by Lena Dunham

In a galaxy far, far away — Brooklyn, to be more specific — Hannah Solo, the daughter of Han Solo and Leia Skywalker, has just graduated from Jedi Academy and plans to become the voice of her generation or at least a voice of a Jedi generation. However, she finds out that it’s not that easy to become the new “new hope” and is cut off financially by her once-cool parents. Hannah then meets two broken-down droids who are whiter than C3-PO’s accent, as well as an innocent wookie named Shobacca. Together these four friends discover that learning how to be a Jedi is as hard as finding a black friend and that Yoda makes for a great crack spirit guide. Expect to see weird wookie sex, the girls getting high on the Force, and fat balding nerds everywhere tweeting that their lives are exactly like the girls from Star Wars.

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Who do you want to direct the new Stars Wars? And please don’t say Wes Anderson. Let us know and send an e-mail to jiggyandjonty@gmail.com.

DEATH STAR JEDI KATHRYN BIGELOW KEVIN SMITH STAR STAR WARS WARS WES ANDERSON
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