MACK attack

My three female readers, the next time a man saunters up to you in a bar, runs his fingers through his overly waxed hair, licks his lips, then whips out a dog-eared copy of M.A.C.K. Tactics: The Science of Seduction Meets the Art of Hostage Negotiation, know that it is already too late for you. 

Do not pull out your pepper spray, do not feign a heart attack, and do not call the Quezon City Police. Because if men have pored over this literary masterpiece, they already know what you are thinking before you even think it. Our M.A.C.K. tactician has run through this scenario a million times in his head and knows every defense you plan to put up: his face has grown to immune to pepper spray, he has brought a defibrillator, and calling the Quezon City Police is only good if you are into masochism.

The M.A.C.K. tactician already knows how this situation is going to play out and is simply nudging you towards the desired outcome. He is bringing in psychological warfare to the dating and mating patintero game: Every move he makes, every step he takes, and every gas he breaks is carefully calculated to build trust and bond with you without having to exchange bodily fluids. A M.A.C.K. Tactician is so good at what he does that he should be working for the Department of Interior and Local Government.

When you’ve been M.A.C.K.-ed out, my dear three female readers, all you can really do is submit to the M.A.C.K.-er’s will. Because the only escape, at this rate, is via aneurysm. Trust me, it’s less painful that way. 

M.A.C.K. Tactics is a book co-authored by Rob Wiser and former law enforcer and hostage negotiator Christopher Curtis, who has drawn several parallels between hostage negotiations and meeting women (it makes sense the more you think about it). The book works on a very basic premise: As much as possible, the negotiator must talk things over with the hostage-taker before somebody gets killed. Namely the negotiator. 

After being held at gunpoint by scores of women, Curtis observed that these women had been jaded by past experiences with men, had become distrustful of men, and had taken to wearing 50 pounds of TNT strapped to their chests. When he approached women like these, he unconsciously applied similar principles and techniques from hostage-taking situations: He was always ready with the appropriate response. He was patient and disciplined. He kept his cool, he gained their confidence, he formed a bond of trust with the hostage taker, he connected with them at an intimate level, and he negotiated with them until the situation was defused. In short, a good M.A.C.K. tactician is everything that our Justice Secretary is not. After you are done reading M.A.C.K. Tactics, your approach to women will be as subtle as a dengue-carrying mosquito.  

But what exactly is a M.A.C.K.? Is it an acronym for some overaged, American whiteboy street gang? Is it a foreign clothing brand? Is it something that comes with your value meal?

As the book defines it, a M.A.C.K. is a man who possesses confidence, charisma and a bulletproof vest. A M.A.C.K. doesn’t even have to be gwapo (handsome). If that were true, then Gary Lising would spit in your face. Twice. Sometimes the more kapal mukha (thick-faced) you are, the better. Especially when hydrochloric acid is involved. A M.A.C.K. has a keen understanding of the female psyche and he knows how to connect with them through his moves, his body language, and his ransom payments. It doesn’t matter how many times he may have been violently rejected by women in previous encounters, the M.A.C.K. will always be back to negotiate for more pain. In fact, these failed yet formidable encounters with the opposite sex are an opportunity to learn valuable life lessons, and the veteran M.A.C.K. has the prosthetics to prove it.

Ultimately, mastering the M.A.C.K. doesn’t rely on the right lines or the right clothes or the right deodorant (although this helps). Rather, it starts by creating the right mental attitude of how you view yourself, how you view women, and how you view pain management. According to Curtis, there are four pillars to becoming a M.A.C.K. tactician (the four letters making up the acronym M.A.C.K., you see), and you must remember these pillars amid the gunfire.  

• Method. M.A.C.K. Tactics teaches you how to recognize the different categories of females, how to employ the correct strategy with them, and how to apply the correct first aid for injuries inflicted by them.

• Action. When it comes to approaching women, more is lost by indecision than by bad decisions. This is a philosophy jointly espoused by the authors of M.A.C.K. Tactics and our former President. 

• Confidence. Aside from well-attached hair plugs, confidence is the single greatest weapon a man can possess in his seduction arsenal. Confidence allows a man to be in control of every encounter he has with the opposite sex. Speaking from personal experience, I was very confident in my dealings with the opposite sex, especially when my yaya came along with me. 

• Knowledge. Gathering intelligence is one of the cornerstones of M.A.C.K. tacticians. From the moment he notices a M.A.C.K.-able female, the tactician is constantly registering details in his computer-like brain that will factor into his strategy. How is she dressed? Who is she with? What is her body language? How hard does he think she can hit him?

Now, some of you wannabe M.A.C.K.s may find some of these tactics to be contradictory to the way you’ve always approached women (and for the No Girlfiends Since Birth [NGSBs] out there, to the way you’ve never approached women), but the authors remind you to always trust the M.A.C.K. system. Even if the woman is about to throw a drink in your face, even if she is about to pull the trigger, even if she is about to set off the explosives, you can always trust the system. And, in the event that the system doesn’t work, you can always call on the Quezon City police.

There are a plethora of commandments for a M.A.C.K. tactician to succeed, such as “Do not covet your neighbor’s dog” and “Do not buy bootleg DVDs” and “Do not make fun of balding men.” Obviously, some commandments are more important than others (but, remember, do not make fun of balding men). So allow me to share with you some of the more tasteful commandments that do not require groin protection:

• Success with women is not a mystery, it is a science (And for some, it is also Russian Roulette). My former fellow NGSBs, have you ever noticed how that jerk of an officemate of yours who isn’t more gwapo than you, who isn’t making more money than you, and who has a smaller bikini brief size than you, is somehow giving the former president a run for his money when it comes to attracting women? What makes him so irresistible to toe opposite sex? Is it because he has made a deal with the devil? Is it because he resembles his genitals? Or is it because he has read M.A.C.K. Tactics?

You don’t even have to answer that question. But even if this jerk’s deal with the devil made him resemble his genitals, his success with women is based on rules and principles that any NGSB can master. Such as:

• Eye contact often leads to body contact. This is a surefire way to demonstrate confidence and establish a connection with the hostage-taker, este, woman. In the Philippines, the context of eye contact is very crucial. If you establish eye contact with a woman in a bar, two things can happen: she may use body language to signal you to come over or she will come over to you and punch you in the face. 

• You must pass a “60-second test.” Women have a built-in time frame to decide whether or not you are the man that she wants to swap bodily fluids with. However, if 60 seconds expire and you fail to make a good first impression, then a sniper will take you out.  

• Three quarters of M.A.C.K.ing is listening. The other quarter of M.A.C.K.ing comes with cheese, fries and a soft drink. Now, if the sniper failed to take you out, then use this opportunity to prompt her to open up about herself, but without divulging anything about yourself that can already be found on the NBI’s most wanted list. 

• Guide the conversation. A M.A.C.K. tactician expertly manhandles a conversation in a subtle and almost unintelligible way so that the topics covered highlight his strengths and do away with his weak points. If you are still unsure of how to do this, ask Malacañang how they are steering Cha-cha through the lower house. 

The more skilled M.A.C.K. can even transform his negative qualities into positive ones, for example: “I can lift 200 pounds with my yaya’s help” or “My bald head is a sexual magnet” or “I was never charged because of lack of evidence.”

But chief among these commandments is one that rewards you for being a coward: Flee and they will follow, follow and they will flee. Strangely enough, this commandment parallels the philosophy of the subversive female text The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right (the bizarro twin bible of M.A.C.K. Tactics) which is: Men need to (brace yourselves NGSBs) play “hard to get.”

Making ligaw (courting) women is almost as discombobulating as quantum physics: the harder you work at making ligaw, the harder it gets. But the less you work at making ligaw, the easier it gests. That means that the more you want to exchange bodily fluids with her, the more deadma (nonchalant) you should be with her. Yes, yes, I know. That type of logic also makes as much sense as our Justice Secretary. Why is that so? Well, as much as you may vehemently deny it, my three female readers, men become more desirable the more they play hard to get. But don’t take the author’s word for it. Don’t even take my word for it. Take my wife’s. (The author pauses while his wife bashes his fingers with the keyboard. He is now dictating the rest of the column through his yaya.)

However, all this playing hard to get begs the question: If men play hard to get and a woman plays hard to get, then who gets any actual playing done? If this type of patintero goes on any longer, pretty soon population growth might just slam into reverse and then civilization will cease to exist as we know it. When this happens, who will be the only winners in this type of zero-sum game? The producers of Internet porn. 

So, my three female readers, after getting the inside scoop on these commandments, is there still any hope for you when a man saunters up to you in a bar and whips out a copy of M.A.C.K. Tactics? If fleeing doesn’t work, then you can always try this: flash him a smile, let him buy you a drink, snuggle up next to him, and when his defenses are down, poke a gun where it counts and whisper in his ear, “I want $50 million and a one-way trip to the Bahamas or else you will find a gaping hole where your gonads used to be located.”

Let’s see him negotiate his way out of that.

* * *

For comments, suggestions or a Big M.A.C.K., please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart or Sun subscribers. Or email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net.