How to come out of the closet

MANILA, Philippines - Coming out has always been you coming to terms with yourself. The act is a way for you to accept who you are and to stand in front of anybody and not be afraid of what they think, say or do.

It’s a little weird giving a “how to” in coming out of the closet since I never really did. My parents outed me when I was 12. They knew before I did. They asked me, and not having been anywhere near puberty, I was aghast. “I’m not gay!” I replied, angry beyond words. When I was still showing signs of it, they asked me again on my 13th birthday. Again, I was indignant. When I turned 14, that was when my hormones rushed in and I discovered they were right. So it wasn’t so much a “coming out” for me as a more resigned acceptance of what I already was. Nothing changed between us and they accepted me with loving arms.

I’m lucky, though. Not everyone has it easy. The big thing in entertainment news early this week was Zachary Quinto not exactly coming out but doing the same thing. The guy who played Sylar in Heroes and Spock in the Star Trek reboot answered a question and referred to himself as a gay man. It wasn’t the point of the article nor did he ever announce it to the media. It was just expressed as a fact as he was answering a question about being in the play Angels in America.

Shows like Glee are also in on the issue, portraying gay teens on TV.

It’s a big thing for anyone. They say celebrities have it worse because they get publicly scrutinized and their careers are affected. It’s not fair and it’s really nobody’s business but people somehow have a feeling they have a say in the matter and that makes no sense. It’s no one’s business but your own.

How does one come out? They do it slowly and surely because the thing you have to remember is that coming out has never been about other people accepting you. Coming out has always been you coming to terms with yourself. The act is a way for you to accept who you are and to stand in front of anybody and not be afraid of what they think, say or do. This is a way for you to love yourself, to be true to yourself.

People will reject you. That’s an unfortunate truth that still stands true in this world and it will be tough because for some people, it might be their parents who will do the rejecting but the truth is you need to be you.

Start slow: tell your best friend first and then a sibling or a cousin. It does not have to be a big party. What you are doing is assessing your support group and slowly building a sanctuary for yourself, a group who you trust and who accept you for who you are. Then, when you are ready, you tell your parents which is probably the most important pair of people you have to tell.

Remember: the point is not to convince them to change their views on homosexuality. The point is to free yourself of pretending you are someone you aren’t. If they get mad or they turn you away, that’s their loss. You don’t need their approval. That’s what coming out is all about. If they can’t accept you for who you are, then be with people who do. You deserve that.

Bisexual Houdini: Evan Rachel Wood broke off her engagement with Marilyn Manson and came out as a bisexual to inspire young fans confused about their sexuality. Photo from GQ.com

Do not come out if you aren’t ready for the possible rejections that might come from certain people, especially your family. The tendency is to hate yourself because they don’t understand you. You have nothing to apologize for. You have a right to be. So start slow. Build your circle of trust.

It’s a horrible aspect of the world that people still segregate people based on their sexual preference or religion or race. But that’s the world. What we need now is more people just being true to themselves; not hiding and not pretending.

This is about you. Because you deserve to be who you are.