Crazy living with a Duchess!

Before I vent my righteous indignation at that boor Prince Charles for shamelessly carrying on with that hag divorcee Camilla Parker Bowles while he was still wed to the late Princess Diana and now that he’s ruined Valentine’s Day by announcing their forthcoming wedding, please allow me to first deny a silly rumor in the manner of our local celebrities.

I vigorously deny the unfounded rumor that the reason a guy in his thirties like me is not yet married is because I’m already living in with a voluptuous, pretty, athletic and smart blue-blood Duchess.

The worst lies in the world are the half-truths! Yes, I admit that this fabulously beautiful Duchess lives with me. Yes, she has a pedigree comparable to that of Prince Charles’. Yes, she’s extremely intelligent and cheerful, but she doesn’t even sleep inside my bedroom.

The Duchess I’m referring to is none other than my favorite yellow-colored (actually creamy white) labrador retriever dog, whose father, the late Jack, was once the country’s No. 1 Grand Champion top dog owned by young banker Dinky Santos. RFM Group’s Bernie Concepcion owns the mother of Duchess, an imported high-living mom who comes from one of the world’s top Labrador pedigree lineage.

Under my personal care since she was a puppy, Duchess has consistently won various dog show competitions from "Best Baby Puppy" to becoming a champion by winning over imported top dogs. The dog shows are the equivalent of human beauty pageants. In the shows, the dogs are assessed by foreign judges based on their physique, their cat walk (why not use the term "dog walk" since it’s not a "cat show" anyway?) and deportment. It seems the only real difference between dog shows and women’s beauty contests is the absence of an interview portion in the former and of ogling, salacious men in the latter!

I wish to thank Duchess for helping make me become healthier, because I frequently jog with her at night ever since she was a pup. However, I wish to stress again – her being my favorite dog at home has nothing to do with my still being a bachelor, because I’d surely prefer sharing my bedroom with a woman I love and not with a dog who just keeps on trying to lick you!

The first and last time I allowed Her Mischievous Royal Highness, the Duchess of Quezon City, to slumber on the floor of my bedroom was when she was a pup. She bit off parts of my most prized hard-bound books on the shelves! At least I know she has good taste because she shares my passion for books and the books she had chewed on were my all-time favorites!

No, I’m not bitching about Duchess – how could I, for I’m an old-fashioned guy who sincerely believes with all my heart that females – all females including dogs – should be treated with utmost respect. I believe in that old-fashioned concept of chivalry, when men and women were not equal, but men used to believe that women should be treated better than royalty! I think that our modern-day world is going to the dogs, I mean, going to the sewers, because our obsession with political correctness and women’s liberation has taken away that old concept of men serving our women unconditionally and uncomplainingly.

How could I complain about her, because no one can have a more lovable, well-behaved, loyal, smart and challenging pet dog than Duchess. I believe that all men and boys should own a dog to learn about humility, patience and how to have eternal good cheer. In fact, I didn’t mind it that the very first time I was ever interviewed at length on TV was when David Celdran of ABS-CBN 2 came to ask me questions about her.

I know I would make an ideal husband because if a guy is infinitely patient, sensitive, devoted and caring towards a mere pet dog – no matter how much of a nagger with her frequent barks and non-stop playful mischief – then he’d be the best lifelong partner and lover to a woman.

This is not shameless self-advertisement in this season of hearts, neither am I using this column to hard-sell myself to that most beautiful young woman on earth whom I admire. It’s just the plain, simple, unadulterated and obvious truth – I’m romantically better than the overrated Romeos and Cassanovas, more chivalrous than my childhood heroes Superman and Popeye – for I’m living with a Duchess!

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