Secrets to a happy marriage

In 1919, the dashing silent-film superstar Rudolph Valentino married actress Jean Acker. Only six hours later, Acker apparently thought she had made a tremendous mistake, so she locked him out of their hotel suite on their honeymoon night. Valentino, who had saved so many damsels in distress in film and caused mass hysteria among female fans, went home — brideless and alone.  

Okay, so this may not be the most appropriate story to start an article on Valentine’s Day, especially one about happily married couples. It just shows you that a wedding — no matter how grand, or how beautiful the bride and dashing the groom — does not make for a successful marriage.

Married couples know it’s not easy to be in a relationship that evolves through the years, especially when what you found charming when you were dating starts annoying the hell out of you after the wedding. Toilet seat left up. Unsynchronized libidos. Dirty clothes trailing your husband like he was a molting snake. Makeup spread all over the dresser. Perennial lateness. Burnt dinner. Sarcasm. Endless questions like “Does this make me look fat?” and “Are you wearing that?” Taking out the trash. Nagging. And the number one thing that drives couples to occupy separate bedrooms: snoring that’s loud enough to wake up your congressional district.

Then children come into the picture, these little bundles of joy that alter the balance of power. Now it is not only a fight over the TV remote or where to eat out, but a fight over who plays good parent and bad parent, whose turn it is to feed the baby, or take the kids to school. In some marriages, children don’t come whether by choice or fate and what do you do when it’s just the two of you?

For many couples, they knew they had met the one the moment they laid eyes on them, while for some love was a slow burn aided by friendship. Who was it that said a couple’s first meeting should always be worthy of a story to tell friends over drinks years later? I first met my husband at the canteen of the UP College of Mass Communication and told him that the script he was writing with my sorority sister was the most ridiculous plotline I had ever heard (he was taking up a broadcasting elective). When I left the canteen, he demanded, “Who the hell is that girl?”

It was irritation at first sight. And I knew it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

So, what makes for a successful marriage? Is it romance, the children, communication, trust, or is it love and does it — as all the great poets and songwriters profess — truly last? Hell, we might as well throw in a Beatles song: Is love truly all you need?

We asked three prominent couples these questions, and here they share their secrets to a happy marriage: the dynamic couple in retail Donnie president, Shopwise and Rustan’s Supercenters Inc. and Crickette Tantoco, one of the most handsome pairs in society; lawyer Eric and Bea Puno; and Araneta Center vice president Jorge A. Fores and restaurateur Malou Fores.

Donnie and Crickette’s first date was very romantic — it was their senior prom, thanks to his Tita Tess who set them up (and for that he is forever grateful).

“Crickette was gorgeous, and very spunky,” says Donnie. “She had a lot of what I later found out is called chutzpah. She was the fastest and most articulate talker I had ever met. I was awed and liked her immediately.” 

He wasn’t the only one smitten. Crickette found the boy to be “all sunshine, funny, affectionate, witty and charming. We immediately hit it off.”

For Eric and Bea Puno, the question was: your court or mine? They met at the badminton court of Club Filipino in Greenhills. Eric was 22, Bea was 19. Eric’s first impression of Bea was that “she looked like she was 15 — so young.” She immediately saw how competitive he was during the game.

“Our first date was in Ang Hang because of a bet we had during a cockfight,” Eric says. Bea lost the bet and was supposed to treat him but he ended up footing the bill anyway.

For Oye Fores, his wife’s Malou’s arrival into his life was literally a surprise. She was the classmate of his sister and they met at his surprise birthday party. This was soon followed by a dinner at the Japanese restaurant Furusato on Roxas Blvd. and drinks at the Philippine Plaza (she was chaperoned by her brother).

They dated for eight years and were formally engaged for four. “The proposal was nothing fancy,” says Oye. “We just decided we wanted to get married after school.”

Oye and Malou got married in 1988; he was 24, she was 23.

Crickette says, “Donnie used to come down every weekend from Connecticut to visit me in New York. One night we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood and ended up in the campus of one of the schools. Donnie proposed in the bleachers of Tresper Clark in New York. We were engaged for a year.”

“I felt so strongly and instinctively that she was the one I wanted to marry,” Donnie adds. “I did not mean for it to be so spontaneous. The moment, although it was in the bleachers, felt right, so I proposed to her.” 

Crickette says, “I always thought I would get married at 27. I wanted to enjoy my single life for as long as possible but when Donnie proposed to me when I was 20, I knew a good man like him would not pass my life again so I said yes.”

They got married in Hong Kong in December 1988 and the following month, Crickette walked down a church aisle in Manila.

Eric and Bea, then 27 and 23, were watching a TV program that was talking about reserving venues for a wedding when Bea jokingly asked Eric when they would decide on a venue, not knowing that Eric had already planned to ask her. So right there and then, Eric popped the question.

“We had been together for five years and the wedding happened six months after the marriage proposal,” says Bea who made for a radiant bride at the Manila Cathedral in 1991.

To this day, these married couples celebrate Valentine’s Day. The Foreses do it at home with close friends, while the Tantocos make it a point to do something special that day. On their first Valentine date, Donnie and Crickette’s picnic got rained out, so they moved it into the living room.

“Last Valentine, we celebrated with our kids and their dates,” says Crickette. “We had fun, but the kids were uncomfortable. So we won’t be doing that for a while.”

Excerpts from our Q&A:

What was the hardest adjustment you had to make from being single to being married? 

Crickette Tantoco: Sharing a bathroom with a man.

Donnie Tantoco: Learning and accepting the time-tested principle that “When mama ain’t happy; ain’t nobody happy.” 

Bea Puno: The transition went fairly smooth because we were very ready to settle down even if we were both young since we were together for quite some time. 

Malou Fores: No adjustments, really. While dating, we were so happy that we were together every day, and after we got married it was just so nice to wake up beside him every morning.

Oye Fores: Nothing much as we were going steady for eight years before we got married. So essentially, we were “not single” since we were only 16 years old!

Do you believe in love at first sight? Is there a “right age,” are there “right circumstances” to get married?

Oye: Yes!

Malou: Well, I had a crush on him at second sight, because when I first saw him at the Polo Club, I said hello and he didn’t even recognize me! I don’t think there is such a thing as the “right time;” you just know when the time is right.

Eric Puno: No, we do not believe in love at first sight. While love is important, the mind has to be involved in making a life-long decision. It is more about the maturity level than age or the right circumstances, when there is a willingness to give more of yourself to the other.  

Crickette: Yes, when you love someone the impact is immediate though the realization may come later. The next question is difficult to answer, I don’t want to generalize. In my case, it was not about the right age or the right circumstances, it was about the right man. 

Donnie: I liked Crickette immediately. We started out, however, as friends who became closer and closer over time. By the time we got serious we knew each other already very, very well. It felt right immediately, but the relationship evolved gradually and very naturally.

Oye: The “right circumstances” may be after achieving some financial security and when you know you have found the right one.

How do you keep the romance alive in a marriage? 

Bea: By never letting the desire to please the other diminish, intimate dinners, trips without the children.

Crickette: We celebrate the big things and the small things equally. We go on frequent dates and trips. We call this our “alone time” with each other. This time is sacred to us and is all about us as a couple; no kids, family or friends — just me and him.

Donnie: We talk to each other all the time. We are each other’s closest and most trusted confidants. Now that our kids are teenagers, we are able to spend more time alone — on Saturday nights, or an out-of-town trip during a long weekend. I really enjoy our time alone together anywhere — the hours we spend together on a verandah looking out onto a beach, a nice cafe in our favorite city, or even Panda’s Express in a fast food court. The only things that get in the way are her intrusive, out-of-the-blue incoming texts and cell phone calls. 

Oye: We go on dates every other week and try to take short trips, just the two of us.

Malou: I text him sweet nothings every day and give him unexpected kisses and hugs whenever I can.

Arguments and disagreements in a marriage are very common. Do you have ground rules for whenever such arguments arise?

Oye: We try to resolve problems by ourselves and as soon as practicable. Also, we try to keep it only within the issues at hand. You must try to not go back to previous issues.

Malou: After we analyze things, we are both quick to say sorry and we don’t hold tabs.

Crickette: On the surface, Donnie and I are as different as black is to white but fundamentally we are one shade. We argue about everything but on the crucial few, like our religion, beliefs, values, family and finances, we are totally aligned. Respect is important and we keep this in mind when we fight so we do not say or do anything that is disrespectful to each other. We only have one rule and that is never to fight in front of the children.

Donnie: We worked together for a total of almost 18 years until she retired in 2008. It was a real tough adjustment especially in the first two years. I guess we learned over time (and are still learning sometimes, the hard way) in what spheres, subjects and areas to defer to the other. I think the key was to be honest and open, to think before speaking when necessary, to really listen, and to try and not take things personally. Over time you learn what your partner’s non-negotiables or “don’t go there” areas are.

Bea: It is very difficult to set ground rules, for after all, we are only human. We do try, however, to keep all arguments using reason and not emotion. We try not to end the day without resolving issues and we try to keep calm while the other loses his temper. 

What would you say are your secrets to a happy marriage? 

Eric: There is really no secret to a happy marriage. We just try to follow the most basic recipe, which is to have God at the center of our marriage. Being friends first before being lovers, mutual respect and agreeing on common goals in life are essential. 

Donnie: Among other things, I think mutual respect is really important. I truly admire Crickette. I also think the principle about “accepting the things you cannot change” is hard but key. Sharing your innermost pains and dreams builds both trust and intimacy. 

Crickette: I think it is important to share your life with each other but not lose your identity in the process. No Stepford wives or husbands. Donnie was my best friend before we got married and he remains my best friend to this day. I think that deep friendship keeps our marriage happy and stable. 

Malou: We are always surrounded by a lot of people so I really value our special time together, just the three of us (with son Raul) and our dog Ralph. Most especially our Baguio trips!

Oye: Trust and confidence in one another, and being secure with the other.

How do you feel about women now choosing to marry later in life? Or young and mature people choosing to live together before getting married?  

Malou: I think marrying later is a good idea. It gives you time to go through dating, your career, and being independent. It allows you to mature in time for marriage.

Oye: That works, too, as long as one is sure he or she can make adjustments to the fact that they are no longer single. 

Crickette: I don’t think neither is necessarily a bad thing. It is a matter of choice. To each his own.

Donnie: When isn’t the issue. It’s all about who. 

Bea: Age is not as important as maturity. We obviously did not subscribe to the idea of living together first because we did not take that route.

What are the secrets to raising healthy, disciplined and compassionate kids? 

Eric: Having an agreed plan on how we as a couple want to raise our children and executing that plan.  We do not believe in reactionary parenting. We also try to live by example and emphasize putting God above all else.

Oye: Your kids will always be a reflection of yourself. You must lead by example.  

Malou: I totally agree with that because, after all, we are role models for our children. Likewise, I hope our son Raul will better what we have inculcated in him.

Donnie: Try to practice what you preach, mean what you say, lead by example. Know what vital few values to be firm and hard on. Be softer, more open and flexible with the rest. Give to your kids without expecting anything in return.

Crickette: We don’t micro manage our children. We are there to guide them. We want them to develop their identities separate from us and hopefully realize their full potential. However, we are their parents first before we are their friends, and we make that distinction loud and clear. We lead by example and avoid nagging and long sermons.

What’s the best gift you’ve given each other? 

Eric and Bea: The best gift we’ve given each other is our four children.

Malou: Raulito! Also, I love the greeting cards Oye sends me. He writes them himself.

Oye: Each other’s love and loyalty.

Donnie and Crickette: Our children. As for material gifts…a lot, can’t think of anything in particular. 

What’s the biggest lesson you learned from your spouse? 

Eric: Tolerance was the most important lesson I learned from Bea, tolerance for other people and situations.

Bea: Striving to be the best that you can be given the situation you’re in. 

Crickette: Donnie inspires me to be a better person by the way he leads his life. The biggest lesson I learned from him is compassion.

Donnie: How to be authentic and true to myself. How to have grace under pressure and courage under fire. I am still learning how to be as straightforward and frank as she is.

Oye: Respect for one another.

Malou: To trust.