Learning to trust a cheating husband again takes a lot of work

DEAR EPPY,

I really need your advice. I’m troubled.  Should I keep my marriage or leave it?  My husband had so many affairs before he had a child by another woman in 2007.  However, I forgave him for my children’s sake and because I still loved him.  But as years pass by, there is always that fear, worries, and suspicions that my husband is still cheating, betraying, and lying, but I have no proof — only my gut feeling is telling me those things.

There are always these questions: “Is he sincere?” “Is he remorseful of what he did in the past?”  His behavior makes me think he is lying and keeping secrets from me.  Until recently, I discovered he was flirting with different young girls online.  Not only that, a close friend of his says that my husband goes to a night house and sees weekly one of those club dancers.

What is devastating and humiliating is he constantly says, “I love you and miss you” everytime he sends texts to me.  One time he said, “Sorry for everything” but did not explicitly say what he was sorry about.  But I had a strong feeling I was right with my suspicion that he was really lying and cheating on me.  The saddest thing was he sent text messages to me on our wedding anniversary, wishing for a blessed year ahead, but I found out the day before that he was flirting with a young girl on the phone.

I felt not just being cheated but also being deceived.  After all that he had done in the past, I feel he would never change.  I don’t feel he is remorseful.  I feel my marriage is not safe and secure.  I am paranoid that he is just pretending to be sweet and loving. There is that feeling that something is missing between us.

PARANOID

DEAR PARANOID,

There are many topics that can be addressed in your letter.  But there’s so little space to write down all these things.  I will have to put up a blog just to thresh out all the issues you mentioned or to give answers to these issues in weeks to come.  So far, you have mentioned issues of unfaithfulness, trust, paranoia, a philandering husband, missing out, marrying Filipino men, sincerity, being loved, and other issues that a Filipino wife (or any woman) has to go through with a Filipino husband.

Is leaving the wife much better than staying with the wife?  I don’t know the answer to that, but certainly the wife can move on in her life when the husband comes up to her and say, “I have someone else and it’s best to let you know so you can move on with your life.”  It is saddistic for the husband to keep his wife while carrying on an affair.  The wife will always be suspicious, yet will consistently hope that her husband will change.  To what goal, I don’t know but that’s what I have observed.

When one chooses to stay with someone who has cheated, that person will have to make the same effort as the person who cheated for the relationship to last.  If the one who has been cheated on has the attitude of, “... you should work on making me trust you again,” the relationship will not work at all.  These two people may stay together, but it will be a painful experience to be in the relationship as one will punish while the other will cower in fear while repeating the cheating. 

Working on trusting again will need to be worked on by two peoeple.  The one who was cheated on will have to be the one to decide when to forgive and trust.  No matter how honest the cheater is, if the one cheated on will decide to keep the grudge, then the other person will not be worth trusting at any point in time.  In time, the cheater will tire of trying to prove worthiness and may resort to cheating again.

In your case, you seem to describe a man who finds cheap thrills in texting women.  You are not describing a husband who is out having sex with other women or having an affair with someone.  I wonder what makes your husband find cheap thrills with other women through texting?  Is the communication between the two of you warm and inviting or conflicted and cold?  If the conversation between you and your husband is unpleasant, conflicted, and argumentative, then

I wouldn’t be surprised why he is looking for someone to connect with.  Studies show that a conflicted communication style in couples causes one partner to find someone to talk to and cheat as a result.

If the conversation between the two of you is pleasant and engaging and he cheats, then there must be something wrong with your husband.  If there is something wrong with your husband and you are still with him, then you must be in the relationship with him because you benefit from it.  You have to ask yourself what you benefit from staying with your husband.  Make a list of the benefits and see if the benefits outweigh the sufferings you experience being with your husband.  Then choose the best course of action to take. EPPY

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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.