What is passive aggression?
DEAR EPPY,
My steady girlfriend of six months and I recently had a heated argument because she doesn’t want me to visit her boarding house unannounced. Her reasons being that her room might be untidy and that she hasn’t showered yet.
I told her those reasons do not matter to me — as long as I see that she is alright. Especially because she does not respond to my texts and calls for more than three hours! Since I am the one paying for her rent and household expenses, I think it is my right to visit her anytime I want to. Twice, she went out without informing me. Because of this, the more I think I should have the right to go to her boarding house whenever I want to.
Are my girlfriend’s reasons valid? Is that normal for someone 30 years my junior to act the way she does? Please enlighten me.
MUCH CONFUSED LOVER
DEAR MUCH CONFUSED LOVER,
Being in any kind of a relationship is not easy. The most difficult is the romantic relationship. The first thing you must remember in a romantic relationship is that “you are equals.” No one can overpower the other one. The moment you overpower your partner, she will try to get away from your grip. She may manifest this by overpowering you as well, avoid you, or be passive aggressive with you.
Passive aggression means she will do things that will irritate you without making it look like it is an aggressive act towards you. An example of passive aggression is “Filipino time.” When a person is five or 10 minutes late, it’s okay. But when a person is consistently late for 30 minutes or more, then that person is being passive aggressive. When a mother calls for her child and the child does not hear even if the child is within hearing range, then it is passive aggression.
It is also a passive aggressive act when the jeepney driver and tricycle driver put their vehicles in the middle of the road while picking up a passenger. Promising someone something and not doing it is passive aggression as well. Passive aggressive acts make the receiver angry but does not provide them a reason to be angry.
If your partner retaliates by overpowering you, too, then it’s a constant battle and one of you will just have to give in one day or both of you will end the relationship soon. If your partner chooses to avoid you altogether, then you won’t be able to see her at all, even in the boarding house.
The way you put it, you seem to have made your partner dependent on you financially. She knows that if she avoids you completely, you will not pay for her expenses anymore. This will also holds true when she outrightly overpowers you. So what she does is she uses passive aggression mixed with aggression. This is in reaction to your acts of controlling her, stalking her, and spying on her.
Telling her to let you know that she is leaving is not heard and she leaves without letting you know. That is passive aggression. But I understand your girlfriend. If you love her and want to help her, she shouldn’t have to compensate for that. It is quite humiliating for her if you use financial help as a reason for her to follow whatever you want.
Treating her this way is unkind. I have to say that you are wrong in thinking that you have the right to go to her home, even if it is a boarding house, whenever you want to. It is her right to make sure that she is safe in her own home. It is her right to want her place to be tidy and for her to look clean before she accepts a visitor.
You have to learn to respect your girlfriend. You can’t just barge into her room as if the place is your property even if you pay for it. Respecting your girlfriend means listening to her. If she says it is not okay for you to visit her whenever you want, then listen to her and do as she says.
In conclusion, the answer to your question is, “Yes, your girlfriend’s reasons are valid.” Her behavior has nothing to do with her age. It is obvious that you are abusive to her. No one else accepts the way you treat her.
Your girlfriend is neither your property nor your servant. Treat her well. EPPY
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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.
