Intimacy doesn’t really spell SEX
March 23, 2004 | 12:00am
Just a few weeks ago, Anthony and I were asked to speak to a group of people about intimacy. Wow, what a privilege! I’m sharing with you what we spoke about, hoping that you’d look at this topic in a brand-new perspective.
Since we all have different definitions of intimacy, we started our talk by giving our definition of the term according to the way we as a couple see it. Intimacy for us is connectedness. It’s being connected at the core of our being. It doesn’t really spell S-E-X as the world has often made it to mean. Because one can only truly be connected starting at the heart level, we can equate it with love. And love as we know equals self-sacrifice for the good of others. Therefore, we cannot achieve intimacy with another person if our focus is centered on ourselves alone. Intimacy means giving importance to the other person, with our best intentions. We are not confined to be intimate to very few people but to as many people we are willing to relate to with sincerity, honesty and love.
We were humbled by a testimony of a missionary who apologized to his Muslim friend for trying to convert him to Christianity. The Muslim friend was puzzled and asked why the apology. The missionary said that he was more concerned about converting the Muslim than sharing Christ. Since then, the Muslim started attending Bible studies because he became fascinated by the person of Jesus Christ. Though we may have different faiths, that shouldn’t prevent us from connecting with one another.
•We were meant to be intimate. Jesus, when He prayed to His father shared the deepest desire of His heart when He said, "that they (that’s us) will be one as we (Jesus and God the Father) are one." It’s wonderful to realize that God created us even when He didn’t need us. For if He is truly God, then He is complete. And yet, He chose to create us so that we may be intimate with Him. Throughout the Bible, God seeks to reach our hearts and connect with us from there.
• Intimacy can only happen with love. Sex, which was designed for a special purpose in marriage, has now been replaced in today’s society as one that seeks to gratify self. No wonder there are many sexy babes and dudes but very few lasting, "intimate" relationships. In the context of love, sex can be fully experienced and enjoyed when done in the context of freedom, and surrender in the sanctity of marriage. Anthony and I have been married for 10 years. Truly intimate, yes. Happy, not always. In fact, just a few days ago, we had our worst fight in the longest time. Since that happened just before our weekly Friday night dates (which we vowed to have whether we liked each other or not), we decided to still go on with our date. I joined him for dinner when he came home from work and sorted out our issues. There were heated arguments, but throughout our two-hour talk, we looked at each other in the eye, tried our best to speak to each other with respect and listened to each other. I felt deeply respected. Throughout the whole "fight," our kids would go downstairs (we stayed home, but asked our kids to please allow us to be alone) to encourage us to be friends again and assure us of their love. Then they would go back upstairs. They were intimate with us. At one point, when we finally humbled ourselves and asked for forgiveness, our son Donny came down to announce that he had just prayed for us. We gave him a big hug and thanked him because God heard his prayer.
• There is hope. For those who’ve tried to find intimacy in the wrong places and found themselves violated or empty, there is hope. Larry Crabb says, "We are all twisted image-bearers, living with other twisted image-bearers, in the presence of an untwisted God who is slowly making us straight." No one is perfect but God provides hope. David Wyrtzen in his book Love Without Shame says that people should focus on learning to relate to the opposite sex as a member of one’s family and not as a sex object. This will help deliver us from the dominion of illicit eroticism. As for married couples, the key to a joyful sex life is a deep connection with our spouse. It doesn’t start when the lights are turned off, but includes all our waking moments of being mindful of how we share our heart with our spouse – or choose to withhold it. The heart is central to intimacy. So go ahead, listen to your heart. Huwag magpakabato, magpakatotoo!
E-mail author at mommytalk@business works.com.ph.
Since we all have different definitions of intimacy, we started our talk by giving our definition of the term according to the way we as a couple see it. Intimacy for us is connectedness. It’s being connected at the core of our being. It doesn’t really spell S-E-X as the world has often made it to mean. Because one can only truly be connected starting at the heart level, we can equate it with love. And love as we know equals self-sacrifice for the good of others. Therefore, we cannot achieve intimacy with another person if our focus is centered on ourselves alone. Intimacy means giving importance to the other person, with our best intentions. We are not confined to be intimate to very few people but to as many people we are willing to relate to with sincerity, honesty and love.
We were humbled by a testimony of a missionary who apologized to his Muslim friend for trying to convert him to Christianity. The Muslim friend was puzzled and asked why the apology. The missionary said that he was more concerned about converting the Muslim than sharing Christ. Since then, the Muslim started attending Bible studies because he became fascinated by the person of Jesus Christ. Though we may have different faiths, that shouldn’t prevent us from connecting with one another.
•We were meant to be intimate. Jesus, when He prayed to His father shared the deepest desire of His heart when He said, "that they (that’s us) will be one as we (Jesus and God the Father) are one." It’s wonderful to realize that God created us even when He didn’t need us. For if He is truly God, then He is complete. And yet, He chose to create us so that we may be intimate with Him. Throughout the Bible, God seeks to reach our hearts and connect with us from there.
• Intimacy can only happen with love. Sex, which was designed for a special purpose in marriage, has now been replaced in today’s society as one that seeks to gratify self. No wonder there are many sexy babes and dudes but very few lasting, "intimate" relationships. In the context of love, sex can be fully experienced and enjoyed when done in the context of freedom, and surrender in the sanctity of marriage. Anthony and I have been married for 10 years. Truly intimate, yes. Happy, not always. In fact, just a few days ago, we had our worst fight in the longest time. Since that happened just before our weekly Friday night dates (which we vowed to have whether we liked each other or not), we decided to still go on with our date. I joined him for dinner when he came home from work and sorted out our issues. There were heated arguments, but throughout our two-hour talk, we looked at each other in the eye, tried our best to speak to each other with respect and listened to each other. I felt deeply respected. Throughout the whole "fight," our kids would go downstairs (we stayed home, but asked our kids to please allow us to be alone) to encourage us to be friends again and assure us of their love. Then they would go back upstairs. They were intimate with us. At one point, when we finally humbled ourselves and asked for forgiveness, our son Donny came down to announce that he had just prayed for us. We gave him a big hug and thanked him because God heard his prayer.
• There is hope. For those who’ve tried to find intimacy in the wrong places and found themselves violated or empty, there is hope. Larry Crabb says, "We are all twisted image-bearers, living with other twisted image-bearers, in the presence of an untwisted God who is slowly making us straight." No one is perfect but God provides hope. David Wyrtzen in his book Love Without Shame says that people should focus on learning to relate to the opposite sex as a member of one’s family and not as a sex object. This will help deliver us from the dominion of illicit eroticism. As for married couples, the key to a joyful sex life is a deep connection with our spouse. It doesn’t start when the lights are turned off, but includes all our waking moments of being mindful of how we share our heart with our spouse – or choose to withhold it. The heart is central to intimacy. So go ahead, listen to your heart. Huwag magpakabato, magpakatotoo!
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