TOO FAR AWAY
August 13, 2004 | 12:00am
Dear Marc,
My boyfriend is in the US to study for college. I have known him since we were in high school. We liked each other then but we didn’t have a serious relationship. After four years of not seeing each other, we met again, went out and spent some time together. We realized that we are still in love with each other so we both agreed to start a relationship. The problem now is we are too far from each other. How are we going to work out our long-distance relationship? Help!
Lyne
Relationships are often hard enough without adding the distance factor, but if a couple feel strongly enough, or approach the relationship in an understanding way, then they do have a possibility of surviving. Assuming, of course, that they will eventually end up in the same country some time down the track whether it be months or even years in the future. The important thing is that both partners have a goal to look forward to that will take them through the difficult and lonely times. Saying "I’ll see you when you come home for Christmas, honey" is a whole lot easier than saying "Bye, Sweetie! I know you’re going off to live in Antarctica for the rest of your life to study the mating habits of penguins, but don’t worry! I’ll still love you and never look at another person till I die!" Geez, talk about a miserable prospect!
And on the topic of misery, let’s explore that a little, because you are going to be experiencing it to some degree whether you like it or not in a long distance relationship. The loneliness, the insecurity (Is your partner being faithful and missing you as much as you miss him?), and, of course, the bouts of breaking down in tears when you get your long distance phone bill each month. But hey, there are ways around this, although they don’t necessarily work for everyone.
I’ve had a long distance relationship before (between Australia and Sweden), and the way that it managed to work and last so long is because of the freedom we gave each other. We loved and cared about each other, but were still faced with the typical problems as mentioned above. So to solve this we simply gave each other permission to live our lives as single people while we were apart. That meant being able to date other people, go out and enjoy ourselves without feeling guilty in any way (which you shouldn’t feel in any relationship anyway), and generally spending time with friends and getting on with life. However, as long as we both still cared about each other, we’d still write and call (this was before web cams, etc. became popular) and look forward to seeing each other (which was twice a year). When we were in the same country, then we’d be together again and make up for all the lost time of the past few months. As far as what we got up to while we were in different countries, well, we just agreed in advance not to ask each other. To this day I don’t know if she dated anyone else during those three years, but then I don’t really care to know either, because I knew she still loved me and the times that we did manage to spend together were like compressing a year’s worth of fun and happiness into a few months. There was no time to get sick of each other, start nitpicking about little things, or getting tired of each other’s company, etc. It actually worked out pretty well come to think of it.
But hey, I know this is a pretty liberal kind of idea to be suggesting, so I won’t necessarily recommend it to everyone. All I can say is that it worked for us, and if we hadn’t done it that way, the relationship probably would have been over in a matter of months. It may not be for you, but you can certainly use some of its principles. For instance, go out with your friends and enjoy life while he’s away. I’m not telling you to go out and pick up other guys or anything, just don’t stay at home for months on end waiting for him to call or text. It may sound like a pretty sad situation, but you’d be surprised how many people in long distance relationships do just that.
I have a good friend who’s studying overseas, and she was having a long distance relationship with her boyfriend for over a year. However, she’d never leave her room except to go to school and do the basics. Zero social life because she was too busy pining away for her long distance boyfriend and ignoring all her friends and invitations to drag her out. Now that is a pretty sad existence. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you should stop living life. Talk to your boyfriend and give each other some free rein to go out with friends, meet new people and enjoy life, but constantly reassure each other of how you feel for one another. That way you’ll both still be having fun and remain secure in the knowledge that your partner still loves you.
In this day and age of international text and the internet, a long distance relationship is a whole lot easier to deal with. Essentially the thing you’ll miss the most is the physical contact, because you can text each other as if he’s still in Manila, and if that gets too expensive, you can take it to the next level by e-mailing, or better yet, video-conferencing via the internet. Download a program like MSN Messenger or Yahoo Messenger, buy a web cam and microphone (they’re really cheap these days) and arrange to call each other at a certain time each week, or even each day if you miss him that much! Not only will you be talking to him, but you can see him too! Of course it’s not as good as having him there with you, but it’s a lot closer than writing a letter.
But like I said, a long distance relationship is not an easy thing despite all of this wonderful new communication technology, so you also have to ask yourself how much you both really love each other. If you like him a lot, but don’t necessarily love him like crazy, then are you sure it’s worth the hassle? I’m not trying to trivialize your relationship; it’s just that you don’t want to be tied down to a long distance relationship unless it’s really worth it. After all, what if your true soul mate is actually trying to court you here in Manila but you’re ignoring him due to your boyfriend in the States? If you can handle it, you could try the arrangement my girlfriend and I had of being allowed to date other people, but if not then you better make sure that he really is the one for you and stick to him through the hard times that he’s away. It won’t be easy, but if you feel that strongly about each other then it’ll be worth it in the end. Oh, and by the way, when you do finally see each other again, make the most of it and don’t hold back. Making up for lost time is a wonderful thing to look forward to.
Marc
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