What’s ‘it’ all about?
July 30, 2004 | 12:00am
Hi Marc,
I hope you will be able to help me because I’m dying emotionally. My fiance admitted to me that last month he had a girlfriend while I was busy preparing for our wedding. He said he did this because he wanted to prove that he still has charm, "it" and that any girl he desires would fall for him. I feel numb because after everything I did for this relationship to last – it seems it is over. Is it really important for guys to prove to themselves that they are still attractive? When will I know when the right time is to end the relationship?
Cold Heart
I think your fiancé needs to get his head examined. It’s one thing for a guy to want to see if he still has what it takes to get a girl, but another thing entirely to take it all the way, especially if he’s engaged! If he really wants to fool around, then he shouldn’t be getting married in the first place.
Now if he was single and wanted to test out his seducing skills or whatever, then that’s his prerogative (as long as he’s safe and doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings). I can also understand his desire to want to know if he is still desirable to other girls. You guys have obviously been going out for quite some time, and he may have thought that while you obviously adored him, you were biased by your love for him. A curiosity to know if he was still attractive to the rest of the female population is understandable I guess, but that curiosity should have taken him only so far.
Some people may disagree with me, but if a guy feels the need to find out that badly, then it may be forgivable if he goes out and flirts a bit just to see if girls still think he’s hot or whatever, but flirtation is where it should end. Having a girl flirt back and appear interested should be enough to confirm his desirability to the opposite sex. Your fiancé has stepped way past the flirtation level though. Not only did he follow through with a more intimate experience, but he kept it going for some time (you mentioned him having a girlfriend, not just a fling)! He can’t even try and use the excuse of "I just wanted to see if I still had it" because it wasn’t a one off thing! If it was a one-night stand he could have tried using that (although it’s still pretty lame and inexcusable), but he has no reason to carry on an illicit relationship with the girl afterwards!
What it sounds like to me is that he wants more than just proof of his desirability, he wants the security and stability of a marriage, but also a bit of extra fooling around on the side. What does confuse me a bit is why he told you, or did you find out and question him about it? Either he had a sudden attack of guilt and remorse (I sincerely hope this is the reason), or perhaps he thought you might find out anyway, so he figured it would be better to come clean first and then try and explain it away the way he did. Either way, what he did is still wrong, and it is up to you to decide whether or not he deserves your forgiveness.
You are certainly within your rights to dump him for what he has done, but I also understand that you obviously love this guy (pretty dumb to get engaged if you didn’t), and therefore may be considering forgiving him. Like I said, this is your choice. If you think he is truly repentant and this is the first time he’s cheated on you, then there is an outside possibility of you giving him his one "get out of jail free" card of forgiveness. However, a relationship, and even more importantly, a marriage has to be built on a foundation of trust. He has not only taken your trust, he’s taken it and thrown it out the window into oncoming traffic. It’s going to take a long time to build up that trust again. From now on you’ll always be asking yourself what will happen if he gets this urge to test if he has "it" again. What happens when he hits middle age and thinks he might be getting over the hill? Or if a hot young girl starts to flirt with him? Will he be able to resist? Hopefully he could, but it’s going to take some time for him to convince you of that.
Because of these reasons, I suggest postponing the wedding for now at the very least, although calling it off entirely is not out of the question either. It seems like your fiancé needs to figure out what he really wants; marriage or the single life. For your part, I know you have invested a lot of time and love into this relationship, but better to make sure of things before committing to what may be a mistake in the long run.
I sincerely hope the two of you can work it out, but if not, then maybe you’re just not meant to be together at the moment, or maybe even at all. If he realizes that he may lose you, there is the possibility that he’ll have a drastic change of attitude, and let’s be honest, he’s going to need at least that to have a chance of patching things up with you after this enormous screw up.
Marc
Send questions to question_marc@hotmail.com.
I hope you will be able to help me because I’m dying emotionally. My fiance admitted to me that last month he had a girlfriend while I was busy preparing for our wedding. He said he did this because he wanted to prove that he still has charm, "it" and that any girl he desires would fall for him. I feel numb because after everything I did for this relationship to last – it seems it is over. Is it really important for guys to prove to themselves that they are still attractive? When will I know when the right time is to end the relationship?
Cold Heart
I think your fiancé needs to get his head examined. It’s one thing for a guy to want to see if he still has what it takes to get a girl, but another thing entirely to take it all the way, especially if he’s engaged! If he really wants to fool around, then he shouldn’t be getting married in the first place.
Now if he was single and wanted to test out his seducing skills or whatever, then that’s his prerogative (as long as he’s safe and doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings). I can also understand his desire to want to know if he is still desirable to other girls. You guys have obviously been going out for quite some time, and he may have thought that while you obviously adored him, you were biased by your love for him. A curiosity to know if he was still attractive to the rest of the female population is understandable I guess, but that curiosity should have taken him only so far.
Some people may disagree with me, but if a guy feels the need to find out that badly, then it may be forgivable if he goes out and flirts a bit just to see if girls still think he’s hot or whatever, but flirtation is where it should end. Having a girl flirt back and appear interested should be enough to confirm his desirability to the opposite sex. Your fiancé has stepped way past the flirtation level though. Not only did he follow through with a more intimate experience, but he kept it going for some time (you mentioned him having a girlfriend, not just a fling)! He can’t even try and use the excuse of "I just wanted to see if I still had it" because it wasn’t a one off thing! If it was a one-night stand he could have tried using that (although it’s still pretty lame and inexcusable), but he has no reason to carry on an illicit relationship with the girl afterwards!
What it sounds like to me is that he wants more than just proof of his desirability, he wants the security and stability of a marriage, but also a bit of extra fooling around on the side. What does confuse me a bit is why he told you, or did you find out and question him about it? Either he had a sudden attack of guilt and remorse (I sincerely hope this is the reason), or perhaps he thought you might find out anyway, so he figured it would be better to come clean first and then try and explain it away the way he did. Either way, what he did is still wrong, and it is up to you to decide whether or not he deserves your forgiveness.
You are certainly within your rights to dump him for what he has done, but I also understand that you obviously love this guy (pretty dumb to get engaged if you didn’t), and therefore may be considering forgiving him. Like I said, this is your choice. If you think he is truly repentant and this is the first time he’s cheated on you, then there is an outside possibility of you giving him his one "get out of jail free" card of forgiveness. However, a relationship, and even more importantly, a marriage has to be built on a foundation of trust. He has not only taken your trust, he’s taken it and thrown it out the window into oncoming traffic. It’s going to take a long time to build up that trust again. From now on you’ll always be asking yourself what will happen if he gets this urge to test if he has "it" again. What happens when he hits middle age and thinks he might be getting over the hill? Or if a hot young girl starts to flirt with him? Will he be able to resist? Hopefully he could, but it’s going to take some time for him to convince you of that.
Because of these reasons, I suggest postponing the wedding for now at the very least, although calling it off entirely is not out of the question either. It seems like your fiancé needs to figure out what he really wants; marriage or the single life. For your part, I know you have invested a lot of time and love into this relationship, but better to make sure of things before committing to what may be a mistake in the long run.
I sincerely hope the two of you can work it out, but if not, then maybe you’re just not meant to be together at the moment, or maybe even at all. If he realizes that he may lose you, there is the possibility that he’ll have a drastic change of attitude, and let’s be honest, he’s going to need at least that to have a chance of patching things up with you after this enormous screw up.
Marc
Send questions to question_marc@hotmail.com.
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