In which we channel our inner Taylor Swift

MANILA, Philippines - I know, I know.

Single is the new black! Being single in this modern era is the best! Yaaaay, single girls! (Cue obligatory clinking of glasses here.)

Yeah, you know who says that? People who aren’t single or people who just got single and haven’t realized how much it sucks to be single.

Of all the personal “problems” to have in this world, being single is the one thing you have no complete control over. If you suck at school, study harder. Ditto for work. If you’re carrying a substantial amount of cellulite, you can just get on the treadmill and run like you’re chasing after a cheeseburger.

The thing is, you can look like the approximate of a Victoria’s Secret Angel — perfect body, perfect face, and questionably lame sense of humor that men will forgive because of first two items — but if no one wants to date you, then you’ll be single forever. Forever. Sounds a bit scary, doesn’t it?

It’s the truth, though. I have loads of single friends who I think are kind, beautiful, and smart individuals that I would honestly date if I boarded that train. Yet these people are the same ones who gripe with me after work, wondering just what the hell isn’t so dateable about us. I mean, them.

At the risk of sounding like a bitter old spinster, I listed down six problems that come with being stuck in the cold wilderness of singlehood.

I know what you’re thinking. Problems? You’re lucky that being single lets you do fun stuff like meet up with your other single friends on a weekday over overpriced cocktails. Oh, we know what you mean. We’d rather do that than be trapped in one of those annoying, loving, sweet relationships like you. Totally.

Being asked “Why are you single?”

Ah, yes. A classic. Often squawked by batty old ladies who feel the need to ask you from one end of the room to another. I’d like to think of myself as a smart girl, but I don’t know the answer. No one actually knows. We don’t know why Chickenjoy tastes so friggin’ good but I doubt that Jollibee cashiers are being harassed about it on the regular. (And honestly, wouldn’t we rather know the answer to that question?)

Going to social events alone

There is nothing quite like being a loser at parties, especially when you realize there’s no one who’ll carry you, fireman-style, at the end of the night when your heels are killing you or you’ve gotten too drunk on shooters. And why is it that when you encounter a former significant other/fling/one-night-regret, you just happen to look like Hell just spat you out and you’re by yourself? It is just not fair.

Having no one to lie to you about how you look

One of the jobs of a good friend is to tell you the truth: yes, you do look fat in those pants. A significant other, meanwhile, must remain positive: of course you don’t look like the before photo of a lipo ad! It seems so trivial, but a kind word from a lover goes a long way. Let’s face it, while your best friend can lie through her teeth, it’s never gonna sound as good as a guy saying you look so hot in your black bandage dress that he wants to ruin it. But that might just be me.

Being alone. Always.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it; sometimes solitude has its perks. But when you find yourself enjoying your third weekend in a row at home watching romcoms starring Rachel McAdams while nursing a bottle of cheap wine, sometimes you really do feel the need to ask yourself, why won’t anyone love me? Not that I ever do that, of course.

Spending money on really weird, often unnecessary things

Cats. Stationery. Aroma diffusers. Oh, the list is endless. Singletons often feel that since they have no one else to spend on, they’d better spend the money on themselves. And what do they end up with? A cold bed and 54 tubes of lipstick they’ll probably never use up in this lifetime.

Feeling like you shouldn’t be single (when there’s actually nothing wrong with it)

“Don’t worry, you’ll find a someone someday.” Whoa, is there a neon sign on my forehead? Is this stigmata? Calm down, people. It’s not as though we single folk will only gain meaning and purpose in life once we get into a relationship. For your information, there are loads of other ways to satisfy one’s life without the help of a significant other. Ever heard of chocolate?