Hooking up with an ex

Hi Marc,

How are you? Hope you’re fine. Hey, I have a question. I want to know how my ex is doing. Should I still bother to contact him in any way (phone, cell, e-mail, snail mail, etc.)?

You see, we were really good friends before we became a couple. He was my pare, you know. Unfortunately, we had a bad break up about three years ago and we totally lost communication ever since. He’s my schoolmate and my first love. We get to see each other occasionally during reunions. But we never got the chance to talk because we both already have our own lovey doveys. And besides, I don’t have the nerve to talk to him in public! I had ex-communicated him out of my life since then! Until now... Please answer me ASAP coz I’m sooooooooo itching to email him already! Thanks! Take care. — Ms. X

As you probably know, I’m a great advocate of staying friends with your ex (provided they didn’t do something really low like beat you or sell your car for drugs), so why not? When two people are involved in a relationship for a long period of time, they get to know one another pretty well. Not only are they exposed to you as a friend (often a best friend), but also as a lover. This means that they see all sides of your personality, not just what you show in public. They get to know your little quirks, foibles and pet peeves. You know, the things that don’t show but secretly annoy you (like when you can’t stand someone chewing gum or smoking at the dinner table).

They get to become really good friends and have a sounding board. They know you really well, and have the familiarity to tell you when you’re wrong, or understand why something or someone upsets you. Assuming that the romantic feelings are really over, you will often accept what they say without feeling insulted because you’ve learned to respect their views over the years. Of course, you know them pretty well too, so will also realize their faults. You’ll also know when to listen to or alternatively ignore their advice. (No use asking a blind man for tips on driving... unless you have a serious death wish!).

What I want to know is why you are so eager to contact him after all this time. As you’ve mentioned, you have seen him a few times already at reunions, but didn’t want to talk to him then. Why not? Just because you were with someone else? If that was the real reason, then does that mean you’re single now? Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t keep in contact with an ex, unless of course you still have feelings for him that would upset your present boyfriend. Do you want to get back together with him after all this time? Or just make amends and become friends again? For both your sakes, I hope it’s the latter.

If it is, then I advise you to go ahead and contact him. You really have nothing to lose. If he’s glad to hear from you, then great! You guys can catch up on old times and be friends again. However, you should also be prepared to be given the cold shoulder in the same way you’ve been avoiding him all these years. Either way, you haven’t really lost anything, as you have no contact with him at the moment anyway. If you do get in touch, just explain why you were like that and also be honest about why you want to be friends again. Three years is a long time, and most minor issues should be forgiven and forgotten by now. — Marc

* * * Losing Weight The Wrong Way

Dear Marc,

I feel so depressed. I just talked to my guy friend and he said, "You know, the guys from school say that if only you were thin and had nice teeth you’d be super pretty." I feel bad. I am heavy. I tried to diet. But it was bad for me. I ended up getting sick. I tried to barf the food I ate, but it didn’t work either. I couldn’t barf it out. I tried exercising. No use. Help me... how I wish I could be tall, slender, thin, sexy like those commercial models. I feel so bad. Help. — Ms. Piggy

So you’re depressed about your appearance and you don’t know what to do about it. As far as I can see, you have two major choices open to you. Firstly, you can accept and come to terms with what you have and the reality that few people are genetically blessed with a nice appearance that others may strive for. This would mean you’d have to become more confident and be somewhat thick-skinned so that comments like the one your friend made will not upset you. However, this is a lot more difficult than it may seem, as few people can accept personal criticism without it affecting them in some way, even if they don’t show it on the outside.

Of course, the other option is to do something about your appearance. This will not only boost your confidence, but also prove your will and determination (as well as being able to reject those guys who used to think you were chubby but are now chasing after you). Now from the sounds of it, you’ve already tried this course of action, but have gone about it in a completely wrong way.

First of all, don’t ever barf out your food just to lose weight. Those are the symptoms of someone who suffers from the eating disorder bulimia. It is a very sad and destructive mindset that will do a lot more damage than good. So how do you control your food intake? Simple. Diet.

You said you’ve tried it and it made you sick (or were you just sick of eating salad every day?), but that is probably because you were doing it the wrong way. I suggest going to a good nutritionist (most good gyms, like Golds has one) and working on a plan. Generally speaking, you will not only have to adjust what you eat, but also how you eat it. This doesn’t mean you need to eat all carbos standing on your head or anything silly like that (although it would limit your carbo intake for sure!), but rather the quantities and frequency of your meals.

Obviously, you’ll need to cut down (or completely cut out) on fatty foods, sweets, beer and carbohydrates like rice. It may sound hard, but if you do it gradually, you’ll find it a lot easier and you’ll be less likely to binge eat once you’ve lost weight and thereby gain it all back in a couple of days (a common problem with people who starve themselves in a hurry to lose weight). You can try halving your consumption of these foods for a week and then gradually cutting down more and more each day. With sweets like chocolate (if you’re a real chocoholic), try savoring one small square of chocolate for a long time rather than just devouring an entire bar in a few seconds.

The nutritionist will probably tell you to eat more fruits and vegetables, or proteins rather than carbohydrates. Rice is a big no-no if you’re trying to lose weight, which is a shame considering most Filipino households have it for breakfast, lunch and dinner (and the fatty tocino doesn’t help much either). Instead of eating your normal three large meals a day, try breaking it up into five or six smaller meals instead. Eat just enough so that you’re barely satisfied rather than really full. Then take another small meal a few hours later and so on. By not eating until you’re full, you’re actually shrinking your stomach slightly each time. This means that it will take less and less for you to feel full. Remember around Christmas time when you stuff yourself silly and then the next few days you need to eat more than usual to feel full? That’s because you’ve expanded your stomach and so it needs more food to fill it. What we’re doing by eating less is the exact opposite.

By eating five or six small meals a day, you’re also training your metabolism to burn the available food as soon as it gets it, without having any extra sitting around your stomach converting to fat. Because your body doesn’t reserve any of the food for later, it burns up the next load as soon as it gets it.

Coupled with a good diet is of course, exercise. Once again, find a good certified trainer and push yourself to exercise. Don’t hold back or cheat, as you’ll only be cheating yourself. It will take a good amount of regular cardio and some weight training to get you into shape, so be prepared for some hard work.

It is a big commitment. However, the benefits are exponentially greater. Not only will you be healthier, but you will also feel lighter, better and a lot more confident. You may not be able to get a ramp model’s height, but with hard work and dedication you can certainly achieve their figures. One last thing, if you do this, make sure you’re doing it for yourself. It may be to prove something to others, but ultimately the goal should be your own well-being and self-improvement. People will always find faults in you no matter what, but this will help you build your confidence and not be affected by what others say. — Marc

* * * Some Girls Have All The Luck

Hey Marc,

Hi! Since I was in grade school, I’ve always had more boy friends (about 70 percent) than girls. My best friends, however, are girls. They always tell me to avoid boys because it looks like I’m flirting with them even though there’s no malice involved in our friendships. They also say girls hate me because they’re jealous that the boys are close to me and not to them. What do I do? Do I really need to drop my friendship with boys? Or do I just ignore these girls who hate me? Please help! — Sweetsexy

There is really nothing wrong with being friends with people of the opposite sex. In fact, when I was in school and university (and even up till now) a large proportion of my closest friends are girls. Also, if there is no malice, there is nothing wrong with a bit of harmless flirting (something I’m also guilty of once in a while. OK, maybe a bit more often than that... Alright! Fine. Most of the time then.). Of course, that’s so long as both parties know it’s harmless and therefore aren’t getting led on.

You’re probably correct in thinking that a large part of the reason why these other girls dislike you is jealousy. Most girls would enjoy being the center of attention within a group of guy friends, and maybe they’re just a bit envious that you’re the one who’s usually it. They may also feel like you’re drawing attention away from them by being so flirty and therefore the guys don’t really notice the other girls who aren’t as friendly or flirty.

Of course, it makes things worse by showing off or talking about your popularity with the guys in front of these girls. No one likes someone who’s full of themselves in any way. This includes saying things like, "Why would I want to go to the mall with you girls when I’m supposed to have merienda with Paul before Jay and Anton pick me up for dinner and a movie. Why don’t you guys do the same? There must be some guy out there willing to take you!"

Also, be wary of being too friendly with a guy who has a girlfriend, as this can make the girlfriend very jealous, and often cause her — as well as her friends — to dislike you a lot. Once that happens, it’s quite difficult to change their minds about you. If one of your male friends gets a new girlfriend, I’d suggest getting to know her and maybe even becoming her friend as well. That way she won’t feel threatened by you as she knows that you and her boyfriend are just platonic buddies.

You can try this with the girls who don’t like you at the moment as well. No use making enemies, so there’s no harm in trying to befriend them. If they get to know you, maybe they’ll realize that you’re not so bad after all. Who knows? They may even ask you to be a go-between for them and some of your guy friends they may have a crush on.

All in all, there is never a good reason to ditch your friends, no matter what sex they are. Your loyalties should be to your friends who have always stood by you rather than a group of people who judge you without knowing you.

* * * Dazed About Ms. Daisy

Hi There Marc!

I saw your column while reading the Philippine STAR the other morning. It’s good and has a lot of sense. I’m turning 20 this year but I’m not romantically involved with anyone right now. I like the typical Filipina and Maria Clara type of girl, with a kind heart and a beauty of her own. She must also be intelligent. I know it’s very difficult to find such qualities nowadays but I know they’re out there somewhere. It’s in the way they dress and walk, or the places they hang out and people they are with. One time while having a dinner in a pizza restaurant, I saw this cute girl named "Daisy," one of the crew working at the counter. I was attracted to her but I didn’t know how to ask for her name, address or cell phone number. I decided to apply for a job in that store but I haven’t received a call yet. I know she is responsible, beautiful and kind judging from the way she talks. I just don’t know how to make the first move. I want to ask her if she has a boyfriend. I’m running out of time. By the time the store calls me it will be too late because her contract will have expired by then and the store will be having another batch of workers. I’ve no reason to be there when that happens. Thanks a lot and God bless you! — Khel R.

You applied for a job just so you could get this girl’s cell number? Wow, now that is a pretty big step. (What’s next? Moving to her neighborhood so you can find out her favorite color?) It’s also a bit silly when you really think about it. Sure, it may all seem romantic now, but what happens if you actually get the job, and then find out that not only do you hate the work, she also has a boyfriend and is actually a bit of a snob in person. Remember, it’s part of her work to be nice and pleasant to people, but her real persona might be quite different. Then you’d find yourself in a job you don’t like, working with a girl who doesn’t pay you any attention and wasn’t really worth the effort in the first place. Not a fantastic move.

Admittedly, there is a decent chance that I’m wrong about the girl, and she probably is very nice and sweet in person. It still doesn’t mean you need to work at the same place just to get to know her. There are more direct routes to this that are less of a hassle in the long run, but will take a fair bit of guts to do.

As an example, I remember when I was in college, I saw a girl I had a huge crush on working in a gift shop. Like you, I had a hard time figuring out how to approach her, especially since she was busy working and always surrounded by her workmates and customers. The last thing I wanted to do was strike up a conversation in front of everyone, embarrass her, hold up the queue and maybe even get her in trouble with the boss. At the same time, I couldn‘t just sit around hoping I’d get her information and attention by osmosis, so I tried something a bit drastic.

I went and bought a card (from her shop of course, making sure I gave her a big smile and a bit of small talk while she was ringing it up). Then I went off and bought a single long-stem rose. I took some time composing what to write in the card. I can’t remember exactly what it was, but basically said that I thought she had one of the sweetest smiles I had ever seen (it really was amazing), and I’d be honored if she would allow me to take her to lunch or coffee sometime so that I could get to know her a bit better. I signed it with my name and phone number.

That was the easy part. Of course, I had to summon up the courage to actually give it to her. In a situation like this, the best thing to do is remember that you have nothing to lose and just go for it, and that’s exactly what I did. I walked into the store, went straight up to the counter handed her the rose and the card and said, "Excuse me, but this is for you." She looked a bit bewildered, but before she could ask why or anything, I walked out of the store and sat down a bit away from the entrance, but where I could still see her. Of course, my heart was beating a mile a minute, and I was a amazed that I’d actually done it.

I could see that she had opened the card and was reading it, with one of her workmates looking over her shoulder to see what it said. They were obviously talking about it, and so I waited for about 15 minutes before I summoned up the courage for my return trip. This was it, the moment of truth. I walked back into the store, introduced myself and asked her if she would consider the invitation I had written her.

Now in an ideal world, she would have said yes, and that would have been the start of a long and wonderful relationship together. However, life doesn’t always go in the direction we’d like it to. The reality of it was that she told me that it was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for her, but sadly she had a serious boyfriend and it probably wouldn’t be right to accept my invitation to lunch. I thanked her for being so sweet, and told her that her boyfriend was a lucky man and I still thought she had an amazing smile, and then gracefully left. I was fortunate enough to be treated to an even bigger smile from her as she said goodbye.

So, what is the moral of this story? Even though I didn’t end up getting the girl (reality is so depressingly different from Hollywood), I did get to meet her, find out her name, and also become sadly aware that she had a boyfriend. I didn’t have to commit myself to a job or anything like that, and by adding a romantic touch (the rose and card) as well as giving her the option at contact (giving her my number instead of asking for hers), I’ve shown her that I’m serious, sweet and not too pushy or demanding. Even if I never saw her again, she will hopefully have fond memories of the guy who had the courage to go the extra mile to meet her.

Although you don’t need to copy my experience exactly, something along similar lines could prove to be more effective than trying to work with her. It’s better than just sitting around and not doing anything at all. Just be brave and go for it! Good luck and I hope your Maria "Daisy" Clara is more single than my old crush was! (Now why do I get the feeling there will be a sudden rush of rose and greeting card purchases from lovestruck men across the country this weekend?)

* * *

To all the readers of my Question Marc column, I firstly want to thank you all for the support and e-mails you have sent me, and apologize if I can’t answer them all, although I promise to read them personally.

Secondly, I’d like to inform you that you can now receive my diary newsletter via your cell phone. It’s basically my thoughts for the day, what I’m up to or even a short answer to a common question. I’ll be texting it from my phone almost every day, so if you’re interested to subscribe, just text MARC to 2978 (for Globe subscribers).

Once you’ve subscribed you can also text me messages and I’ll receive them all at the end of each day. I’ll even try and answer some of them generally in the next column.

So, if you’re curious about what I’m up to each day, or maybe just want to say hi, feel free to subscribe to the service. Hope to hear from you! Cheers!! — Marc

* * *

Send questions to: question_marc@hotmail.com.