Friends, secrets and gossip

It is safer to trust your friend with money than with a secret. Your friend can resist your money even if you leave behind your wallet in her house. But most likely the same friend will not be able to resist the urge to tell your story to someone else. Don’t worry, she too will make the others and the others, promise not to tell anyone.

When Claude and I were dating, I was rumored to be dating Abong. Abong was most probably every woman’s dream. A perfect gentleman he was very much happily married to lovely Corito. He also happened to be the elder brother of Claude. I found out later that, the story started as, "Mary Ann is going out with Abong’s brother" (Abong being famous, Claude was often referred to as Abong’s brother). Eventually, the word "brother" was dropped and I was dating Abong!

When we were newly married, a friend of Claude’s saw me for the first time and said, he heard I was 65 years old big, fat and wrinkled. "I even felt kinda sorry for my friend," he confessed. "No, what you heard was Claude was marrying a retired widow with a grown-up son. "The rest was your assumption," I said smiling at him. "Wanna see my birth certificate as proof?" And he just laughed.

One morning, I left the hospital with hardly any sleep and my unwashed hair wrapped in a colorful bandana. A week later, people were saying I had cancer. Someone obviously saw me and assumed I was having chemotherapy. At times I wonder what else is said about me which, thank God, I don’t get to hear.

A male friend insists that "story telling" of facts is different from gossiping. But not according to Mr. Webster. At work in Hong Kong, we were told never to assume. "To assume is to make an asshole of u and me," they said. "Not even if you find a man and a woman under one blanket," my dad added. They could be fully clothed under the sheet. He always said to give the person chance to defend himself. Dad did not make a distinction between home and courtroom.

He would often say in jest, "Manga subpoena ko kanyan." (You could be subpoenaed for that). When we were kids he quickly dismissed us by saying, "Atin kang prueba?" It was very frustrating because he always gagged us. He taught us not to just believe or repeat any story. He was probably preparing us for the big, gossipy world.

Recently, I heard that a friend said something against people very close to Claude and me. Honestly, I was perturbed. But trained by my dad, I did not judge fast or pass the story. I instead talked to my friend in the hope that the "storytelling" moved not go on. Because if those people learn about it, it moved be like shit hitting the fan. "Story telling" can be damaging and dangerous. Three minutes of it can ruin a friendship that goes as far back to one’s childhood days. Tell me what three minutes is worth that!

This is a one-of-a-kind scenario. Someone’s maid called her maid friend and said, "Di pumunta ang mga amo mo sa party namin. Sila ang pinag-usapan ng amo ko at mga bisita niya." She must have enjoyed talking so much that she even talked to the couple and reported things in detail. Of course, the couple got very mad, but more so the exposed "storytellers." Long-time friends were suddenly enemies. Everyone was calling and scolding the maid, who simply said "Di po ba mam sinabi naman ninyo talaga?’ The very embarrassed amo (employer) fired the poor maid. "Do not blame your busybody maid. Moral lesson is next time you invite friends make them sign a waiver. Those who are absent will be talked about," I said in jest. Or put a big sign, "Talk at your own risk."

We must always remember that if we let out a story, we run the risk of gossip even among friends. Even the Bible has passages against gossiping. And Confucius said, "No talk, no mistake." But people will always talk, gossip or "tell a story" (depends on how you look at it). Like it or not. I heard even the mute gossip a lot with their hand moving faster when they get excited.

If only we do take stories with a grain of salt and not believe and make judgment. If only we can humor the rumor said about us and not pick up a fight because. "If all persons knew what they said of each other there would not be four friends in the world" (French philosopher, Blaise Pascal). "Of every 10 persons who talk about you, nine will say something bad, and the tenth will say something good in a bad way," (French journalist, Antoine de Rivarol, Comte de Rivarol.) "They’ll come to you and talk about me, but they’ll come to me and talk about you" (unknown.) Take your pick but keep the friendship.