Stronger from our goodbyes

We put flowers on their graves. We light candles and say our prayers. This is the time of the year when we pause from our daily grind to remember our departed loved ones who were called from this life ahead of us. We remember how the loss was excruciatingly painful yet we smile at how we exist now, enriched by the loving relationship with our departed who while physically gone still remains near and dear to our hearts.

Famous American grief counselor and author Robert Zucker said, “Grief happens all the time, with losses great and small. What is most normal about it may be that it seems to be woven into the fabric of human condition. When we are able to face our grief, it can become the salve that heals our wounds, and even strengthen our relationships.”

Another popular and award-winning grief and loss author Sr. Joyce Rupp O.S.M. agreed that there are lessons learned from a loss. A grieving person naturally does not recognize this while he is hurting, but once acceptance happens and the person moves on, he realizes that there are gifts to be grateful for.

The benefits we derive from a loss will never wipe out the pain but can give us strength and hope, faith and courage, to better survive future loss. Sr. Joyce identified five core spiritual lessons:

1. We have an inner resiliency. “When we are caught in the devastating grips of  a significant loss such as the death of a loved one, it is difficult to believe that we have enough inner strength to cope with what is asked of us. It is at this precise time, however, that we can draw on the power and strength planted in our spirit by the Creator. We do have an immense inner reservoir of goodness and strength to get us through what seems impossible at the time.

2. We need the gift of others. “No matter how independent we might be, painful loss can push us off balance. When we find ourselves losing control and discovering that it is impossible to cope by ourselves, it is then that we learn how to receive. We slowly realize and acknowledge that we need others, that we cannot go through it alone and be healed without help.”

3. Our faith can sustain us. “It is not unusual for our emotions of grief to extend into our relationship with God. In the pain and loneliness inherent in our loss, it may seem that God is far away. Past comforting and faith-filled feelings give way to the bereft emotions of emptiness, anxiety, and sadness. We have to go into the emptiness with bare faith, simply hanging on and trusting that the promises of God are true and enduring.”

4. Forgiveness is essential for healing. “Unwanted loss often brings with it the need for forgiveness. We may blame ourselves for things we did or did not do. We might harbor and continually hash over old wounds from hostile relationships, or be angry at life or at God because things did not turn out as we had hoped. The energy we have put into the harsh emotions of our loss must be redirected into life-giving sources of new beginnings and continued healing. We cannot move on if the chains of guilt, blame, hatred, anger, and resentment keep us bound to the past,” Sr. Joyce explained.

5. Painful loss holds the seeds of transformation. “As we look back, we will see, perhaps with much surprise, that the days (possibly years) of turmoil and heartache were holding the seeds of new growth. Spiritual transformation is always a process of birth-death-rebirth, life through struggle to new life. Loss is a part of this journey. We cannot avoid it. What we can do is open ourselves to this unfolding process. We can trust that something new will follow our time of death and destruction. This truth is at the heart of spiritual growth and development,” Sr. Joyce concluded.