Is your spouse cheating on you?

I’ve encountered a lot of couples trying to save their marriages and usually the root cause is the husband’s infidelity.

What is infidelity?

A married woman would usually say: "Infidelity is when your husband has a mistress or when he still continues to have flings."

A single woman with a steady boyfriend will say: "Infidelity is when your boyfriend is two-timing."

Let’s see what Mr. Webster has to say. Infidelity is defined by Webster as the violation of the marriage contract.

I don’t know with my colleagues, but in my practice I’ve come across only one couple where the philandering mate is the woman. Does that mean we women have acquired the virtue of fidelity more than the men?

Let me introduce you to a well-known personality theorist, Erik Erikson. He has written about the Eight Stages of Man’s Life Cycle. He said that the period between 11 years through the end of adolescence–the stage which he refers to as the stage of identity versus role diffusion–is important because this is the stage when morality learned by the child and the ethics developed by the adult is consolidated into an ethical system or a coherent organizational framework. In other words, this is the stage where one is supposed to acquire the virtue of fidelity.

What are the signs that your spouse is philandering? Well, for one, if your husband has started to become a ‘Great Houdini’ with his disappearing acts, then you should start to be vigilant. A lot of times you will notice inconsistencies in his reasons for being late in coming home. You may be perplexed as to why your husband has another cell phone or another pager, the number of which he has allegedly forgotten to give you. Lipstick on his shirt, the shade of which you never use, is another sign.

Frequent eye-openers are anonymous letters, phone calls or text messages saying that your husband has been seen in public places with other women. A change in the quality and frequency of your sexual relationship is also a danger sign.

If you’re convinced of the infidelity of your spouse, what should you do? The first thing you should do is to confront your spouse about the issue. But try to be civil about it and don’t be violent. You can’t achieve anything by being hysterical. Ask him if he still loves you. You’ll be able to reconcile by trying to find out why your husband has been seeking the company of other women.

If there are things in the way you handle yourself when you are together that he does not like and you have the capacity to change, then do so. He, too, should learn to compromise. Improve your communication with each other. Learn to discuss your problems and arrive at solutions without violent arguments.

If you love your mate and he promises to change, then forgive him and start anew. However, if you have been forgiving him for the past 10 years or more and he still continues to play around, then perhaps you should start asking yourself if you want to remain a martyr and wait to be beatified or whether it’s time for you to be happy and at peace without him.

I know this is a difficult decision to make. Going into counseling at this point would help. Don’t make a decision if you’re severely depressed because chances are, your decision may not be the right one.

Husbands rationalize very often that it’s not really their fault because the women are the ones who run after them. Some womanize because it’s a status symbol in their office or in their peer group or even in their family. Sometimes, there’s a need for them to feel sought-after despite their age. Sometimes, they need this as an ego-booster because their wives are more successful than them, career-wise or financially.

Aside from this, there’s a double standard in the morality of our society. It’s okay for the husbands to fool around but not the wives. It’s also okay to womanize as long as he does not have children with his mistress/es. It’s also okay for as long as he goes home to his legal wife. I know several women who are fully aware that their husbands are keeping a mistress or several mistresses and it’s still okay with them because they say, "Sa akin pa naman siya umuuwi."

Some of these women are just so afraid to let go of the material comforts they are enjoying as the legal wife of a prominent philanderer.

There are so many things to consider in making a decision to separate from your spouse. What will be the effect on the children? Are you financially stable? Who will have custody of the children? Where will you and your children live? Where will your husband stay? Is this just a cooling- off period or is this a final goodbye? Will you file for annulment or just legal separation? How much financial support can you demand?

At a snap of a finger, you can’t just make a sensible decision. You must think and talk about it with your spouse, with your children, with your family, with your spiritual adviser, with your counselor, with your shrink, and with your lawyer.

Money is needed if you’re thinking of legalizing your separation. This is perhaps the reason why a lot of women – especially the "plain" housewives–choose to remain with their philandering husbands because they’re afraid that they cannot survive because they don’t have their own income. Deciding to take the legal path will also entail a lot of time from you. I’ve heard of ongoing annulment cases lasting for two to four years already. You can just imagine the emotional ordeal that these people have to go through.

So dear readers, just in case you catch a philandering spouse, remember that legal separation and annulment are just the last options. What is of utmost importance in arriving at a decision on how to deal with your philandering spouse is your psychological well-being and that of your children.

(I would like to thank readers who have given me very positive feedback regarding this column. In case you have issues and topics on love, life or relationships that you want me to help you with, kindly send your letters to The Philippine STAR c/o Allure Section or send them to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street, Pasig, Metro Manila)