So Twitarded
Buffy would’ve had an awesome workout this week. I never watched the long-canceled series, but a part of me wished that Sarah Michelle Gellar’s sarcastic cult heroine were still around to drive a dildo-shaped stake through the heart of Edward Cullen. In the event that she couldn’t be pulled out of fictional retirement, however, another vampire slayer, Blade, would’ve probably penciled the gig in his Moleskine.
The Twilight series isn’t vexing per se; it’s the Twilight loyalists who piss off normally good-natured human beings. Generating the sort of creepy mania associated with date rapists, jihadists and Justin Bieber fans (another topic altogether), these Twihards are to blame for turning this jumbled mess of a franchise into the polarizing juggernaut it is today. New Moon, the second installment of the teen vampire saga, sank its fangs in and made $258.8 million worldwide in its first three days, according to studio estimates. For something that’s like Underworld, but younger and, like, dumber, it’s phenomenal. It’s a sign that 2012 will totally happen.
Bring back speidi
With the best kind of movie ticket in my pocket — free, as there was no way I was actually paying to jade my palate — I was able to see firsthand the order in which New Moon rots the brains of mankind: first come the tweens, then the moms of the tweens, then functioning office people who enjoyed Eat, Pray, Love, then their Facebook friends, then Kiwanis club members. It made me long for the days when Speidi punked the sh*t out of the planet. Sigh.
Belonging to Team Edward or Team Jacob, these crazed chicks hooted, hollered and articulated their passion for either a sparkly bloodsucker with Marie Antoinette makeup or a jailbait werewolf in medium-rinse jorts. It would’ve been understandable if they had braces or were all in training bras, but alas, most of the fanatics had dentures and floor-grazing boobs. Fifteen minutes into the film, I already wanted to punch these Twihard cougars in the mouth then shamwow the evidence. FYI, I support Team Voldemort.
‘Pacman’ and his ‘pacbit’
Speaking of irrational allegiances, it’s slightly unfortunate that news of Manny Pacquiao’s victory was eclipsed by news of Manny Pacquiao’s supposed extramarital affair with a twenty-something starlet. All of a sudden, it’s the early-to-mid 2000s all over again, when the word “team” was first used in tandem with someone’s name. Instead of Team Jennifer and Team Angelina, this time it’s Team Jinkee and Team Krista.
From reports of the two women nearly bumping into each other at a Chanel store in Las Vegas to memes poking fun at the love triangle, the Internet is already drunk with chismis about our Pambansang Kamao. Some have even coined the term “Pacbit” to describe Pacquiao’s kabit (mistress).
Conspiracy theorists say Manny Pacquiao paid his non-wife millions for her company, making this story something like Pretty Woman. Others, meanwhile, criticize Krista’s father for condoning this sort of behavior, making this story something like The Other Boleyn Girl. But I say it’s all a huge publicity stunt for the boxing champ’s upcoming movie, Wapakman, making this the best story ever. Either that or Miguel Cotto is the real “mastermind” behind all this. (Air quotes imply that I can only mock him ironically.) Lol.
Group conformity?
In Sway, the authors Ori and Rom Brafman dissect everyday human behavior by applying the rigorous analysis to the fuzzier problems of the sociologist. The brothers zip through examples of illogical “sways” and say that “group conformity” is the most toxic one of them all. It’s the urge to align ourselves with those around us, even if it goes against common sense. As Rom states, “You’re going against the grain and it’s hard to be a lone dissenter.”
That being said, I’m constantly wondering why people think that taking sides in such inane issues is so important. Can’t a person think independently? It’s not hard, you know. See, if you ask me which team I’d care to align myself with, it’s actually this: Team Shut The F**k Up. I’d like to think that most of the time, I’m my own one-person squad.
* * *
Hello keedz! ginobambino.tumblr.com.
