Stayin' Alive

I have this dream where I’m trying to escape from a building that’s burning or shaking. The walls seem to bend and warp like in a German Expressionist film. Other times it’s a train or bus, and in my dream state, I can’t locate the exits or figure out the layout.

You think this might mean something?

Survival, it seems, has become the metaphor of the new millennium. From TV game shows that pit contestants against one another in exotic locales, to disasters unfolding before our eyes on live television, it’s all about how trouble enters our lives, and how we respond to it.

TV used to provide vicarious peeks at disaster. Shows like The World’s Most Amazing Videos and Jackass let us, the audience, bask in horrible moments captured on videotape – meanwhile counting our blessings that we were at a safe distance. Now fear or terror reaches into most of our homes, in some way, and it’s hard to feel an ironic distance.

It is perhaps eerily prescient that two books, The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook and its sequel, Travel, became bestsellers in America long before the 9/11 attacks. Last summer, you’d stop at any airport shop or bookstore in the States and see the small yellow and red paperbacks on display, bearing this stark advice: "Always be ready for the worst – you’re at risk from the moment you step outside your front door!"

The authors didn’t know how right they were. Survival is definitely on people’s minds in 2001, judging from high sales of these two books. And yet not even these practical guides on what to do in emergencies – whether closing up a major wound in the household or crash-landing a plane on water – prepared Americans for the worst to come.

There’s nothing in The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Travel about anthrax, for instance (home poisoning was covered in the first book). But in it, you will learn How to Survive a High-Rise Hotel Fire (page 122), How to Survive in a Plummeting Elevator (page 89), and How to Purify Water (page 129). There are sections covering survival situations in foreign countries – including what to do when caught in the middle of a coup. The advice, researched by authors Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht, is basic, matter-of-fact and universal. The books come with simple black-and-white line drawings, similar to those found on first-aid or emergency cards provided on airplanes. Prior to 9/11, it was possible to take all this, on some level, as a kitschy joke. Now, it just seems like handy stuff.

Want to find your way home without a compass? See page 96: "Place a small stick vertically on the ground so that it casts a shadow. Place your watch on the ground so that the hour hand is parallel to the shadow of the stick. Find the point on the watch midway between the hour hand and 12:00. Draw an imaginary line from that point through the center of the watch. This imaginary line is the north-south line. The sun will be located toward the south."

Of course, if you’re lost at night, you should look for the North Star and use it to orient yourself: "You can use the Big Dipper to find the North Star. A straight imaginary line drawn between the two stars at the end of the Big Dipper’s bowl will point to the North Star. The distance to the North Star is about five times the distance between the two ‘pointer’ stars."

This is the sort of stuff many of us learned in the Boy Scouts long ago, but have since forgotten. Who knew you would someday need to survive a tsunami, or trap an animal in the wild?

Despite the deadpan seriousness, the authors of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook are not without a sense of humor. There’s one entry on How to Foil a UFO Abduction, for instance (page 58, supplied by the Society for the Prevention of Alien Contact Evidence and Geographic Exploration, or SPACEAGE) that seems a bit tongue-in-cheek. ("If attacked, or abduction is imminent, go for the extraterrestrial’s eyes – if they have any. You will not know what its other sensitive areas are.") Hey, it never hurts to know these things.

And as real as danger can be, some of the book’s entries seem to tap into collective childhood memories of watching TV – especially crime and detective shows from the ’70s and ’80s. Everyone remembers watching SWAT, Starsky and Hutch, Baretta (or Hill Street Blues, Miami Vice and NYPD Blue in the ’80s and ’90s) and wondering: Hey, how do those guys manage to jump from one rooftop to another without ending up like a pancake? (The answer is on page 70.) All those stupid stunts we would watch on Charlie’s Angels, Rockford Files or Magnum PI – things like How to Ram a Barricade, How to Escape from the Trunk of a Car, and How to Lose Someone Who Is Tailing You – they’re also included in the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook.

(This is not surprising, since a lot of the expert advice in these books comes from professional stuntmen and women. Other sources include security consultants, industry experts and US government agencies. The authors are careful enough, though, to provide this disclaimer: "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERTAKE ANY OF THE ACTIVITIES DESCRIBED IN THIS BOOK YOURSELF" – similar to the one on Jackass, by the way. The authors suggest you "consult a professional" instead. Of course, if you find yourself suddenly having to control a runaway camel – as demonstrated on page 20 – there might not be a professional handy.)

Manila dwellers and visitors will also find practical tips here – things like How to Pass a Bribe (page 52: "Try to speak to and deal with only one official. Do not overtly offer money. Offer to make a ‘donation’ to the official’s organization."); How to Survive a Volcanic Eruption (page 118); and How to Survive a Hostage Situation (page 49: "Never challenge a hostage taker or look them in the eye. Observe their characteristics and behavior carefully. If a rescue team enters, get down and stay still.")

It’s no joke, really. This book is packed with clear, common-sense advice. Any traveler should look it over, study it, and memorize its information before taking their next trip. Even – maybe especially – travelers to the United States.

As the authors point out, even if you don’t end up using the advice in this book while stranded somewhere, "you can always use its pages for emergency toilet paper." And how many self-help books out there promise not only to entertain, but to potentially save your life?

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The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbooks are available at National Book Store.