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Health And Family

Will my children suffer if I leave my husband?

THE SEX ADVISOR - Eppy Halili Gochangco - The Philippine Star

Dear  Eppy,

I am 36 years old, married with two children.  I have a wonderful boy and girl.  I am hapy with my kids.  But I am not one of the lucky women whose husbands are loyal to them.  I have been faithful to my husband and have not looked for another man even after knowing that my husband cheated on me.  Not only did he do it once, he did it three more times.  But I stayed on, giving him another chance.

The first time he cheated on me, I didn’t even notice.  He would come home on hours he usually came home.  He would spend time with the children.  But he was a bit cold or cranky towards me.  At first, I didn’t mind it because I thought he was just having problems at work.

One day, I thought of checking his phone.  I saw a message from a woman that was clearly different from the messages sent by other women.  I investigated and discovered she was one of the clients at his office.  I confronted him with my evidence. He had no choice but to admit he was having an affair. I was so upset.  I shouted at him and called him  names.  He started becoming nice to me after that.  But he did it again.

I wonder if he knows that my children and I are suffering?  I wonder if he really cares for us.  We have not done anything to him for him to treat us this way.  Should I leave him?  Will my children suffer if I separate from my husband?

Cheated Wife

Dear Cheated Wife,

I know you are in great pain.  I will not wish on anyone the situation you are in.  However, I have to be honest with you.  We all make choices in our lives.  We have to be responsible for these choices.  No one can make our choices for us and take the consequences of that choice.  Only you will have to go through those consequences.

If you separate from your husband, you will have to be the one to go through crying yourself to sleep.  You will have to be the one to experience the pain one has to go through after separation.  You will also be the one to reap the rewards of being happy by leaving him, if it is truly right to leave your husband.  However, if you stay with your husband, you will have to go through the constant doubting, the continuous hurting, as it is difficult not feel so when you separate from a partner.

It is best that you seek professional help to reflect deeply on the right choice for you.  It’s too complex a situation to just say “yes” or “no” to whether you will leave or not.

One thing I can actually advise you is that you have to stop saying “we” in reference to your children.  It is you who are suffering, not the children. The only time your children will suffer in a situation like yours is when: a) one of the parents or both will abuse them verbally or emotionally because they are using their children as punching bags since they can’t do this to their partner; b) one or both parents will use the children to tell the other parent how bad they have been; or c)  parents fight in front of their children every day.

Children will only suffer when they see another parent suffering.  You have to realize that the real victims in the end are your children.  Of course, you have to acknowledge to yourself that you are having difficulty with your present life.  But it does not mean that your children should solve your problem.  So, it would be best to keep the children out of the picture.  You don’t need them to justify that it’s okay to be upset with your husband.  You don’t have to be given permission to cry and to be sad  by mentioning your children.  Be sad for yourself, not your children.  Your children will only suffer if you make them your crutch.

Eppy

* * *

Email [email protected].

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