Sex(less) in marriage
Comedian Ray Romano was quoted as saying that their sex life changed significantly after he and his wife had kids. He joked that they’re now having sex about every three months which is how he reminds himself that it’s time to pay his quarterly income taxes! And if they ever do the “wilder” stuff, that’s when he knows that it’s time to renew his annual driver’s license!
Indeed, in the first years of marriage, many couples have sex lives that are as exciting as those of lion trainers. Always ready to pounce and attack each other, whips become a necessary weapon to keep each other at bay (after they both catch their breaths, the whips can also serve other creative purposes). But then, they have kids. Add to that the busy work schedules, the endless bills, and all the household chores and very soon, the whips are replaced by tranquilizer darts which couples start to indiscriminately fire at each other at even the slightest purr.
Sex is not, nor should it be, the most important part of a marriage. On the other hand, it’s certainly one of the most meaningful and intimate parts of the relationship. The loss of sexual desire can therefore severely affect a marriage if it is not managed properly. I don’t know how big an issue this is in the Philippines but Oprah’s Dr. Phil says that, in the US, “Sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic.” Experts define sexless marriage as having sex no more than 10 times per year. Of course, there is no “normal” number of times that couples should be having sex each week. Some couples may be fully satisfied with 10 a year while others who have sex several times per week may still feel that it’s not enough. Yet what is becoming apparent is that more and more couples are encountering problems in their relationships as their sexual passions taper off over time. Husbands may become distant at the loss of intimacy while wives resent the increasing feeling of sex as an obligation. I won’t even try to give tips to the moms, but here are some tips for the dads.
• Pillow talk. There are many possible causes for a decrease in libido. It could be hormonal changes, depression, fatigue, low self-esteem, anger, children, and so on. As in most marital concerns, communication is critical in order to understand what you and your wife are going through. Couples need to tell each other how they feel about sex and how they can meet each other’s needs. Don’t also just be lovers. Remember when you were still courting her and how you would talk on the phone for hours till your ears bled? Be her friend and just talk with each other.
• Choreplay. Mom: “Last night, it was all about choreplay. I was all ‘OH YEAH, fold that laundry. Oh yes, just like that! In half and, then in half again. OHHH.’” As defined in the Urban Dictionary, choreplay is... “When a woman is turned on by the sight of her husband/boyfriend/partner doing regular household chores that she would normally be doing.” Or as another wife-author put it, “Nothing is sexier than (seeing my husband) do the dishes, except vacuuming!” Specially, I might add, if dads make it look like they’re really enjoying doing it. Be careful, however, to not over-do it. Fewer things can get a dad banished from the bedroom faster than starting to tell his wife how to do things around the house!
• Give her a day-off. We dads may be the padre de familia but, in truth, our households revolve around the moms. Moms are therefore much more likely to feel burnt-out than we do. Dads will do well then to occasionally encourage moms to have a “day-off” when they can go off and do whatever they want to do WITHOUT you and the kids.
• Flirt. Couples sometimes take each other for granted the entire day and then suddenly expect to flip a switch just before bedtime. Regularly flirting with your wife is not only fun, it can also get the juices flowing when the right time comes. It doesn’t also have to be a romantic dinner without the kids or flowers and chocolates all the time. It could just be an extra passionate kiss in the morning. Or even a dangerous text or two during the day. Be creative.
• Count the ways. Intimacy and sex are not one and the same thing. There are also things like holding hands, touching, cuddling, stroking, hugging, and many other ways to show physical affection to your wife in a sensuous yet non-sexual manner. Learning how to do and enjoy these simple acts of endearment will not only ultimately help your sex life, it is also a healthier way to build up a strong foundation for your intimacy as a couple.
• Grow up! As I wrote earlier, sex is not everything. Stop complaining and be grateful for whatever sex you have. Oh, and that reminds me, I think my license is due for renewal tomorrow!
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