Together for never

I  am sorry, Jessica Zafra, but you will not conquer the world.  Because the world already has an owner. And the person holding the absolute deed of sale is Rick Astley. 

Michael Jackson, we love you and you taught all of us growing up in the ‘80s how to beat it, but you held on to your crotch too much.  And I had the feeling that you might want to hold on to my crotch, too. And Prince, or whatever unpronounceable symbol you call yourself now, we are still dumbstruck by your ability to charm off the lingerie of Madonna, Kim Basinger and Carmen Electra, but we still can’t figure you or your raspberry beret out. But, Rick, Rick, Rick… aaaaahhh, Rick!! You were our music of the ‘80s. We couldn’t all wear sequined gloves or do the moonwalk or star in Purple Rain.  But we could all wear a trenchcoat, don a pair of RayBan shades, twirl our arms like a blender and sway from side to side. We could do you, Rick. And we mean that in the most heterosexual sense of the word.  

Rick Astley’s first salvo towards global domination came in the late ‘80s in the form of 14 hit singles and six hit albums. Once he had us under his baritone-induced synthpop music-infused spell, we knew that we were never going to give him up. For the musically sacrilegious out there, they may blaspheme by claiming Rick’s songs were assembly-line music: shameless iterations of the same song with different lyrics slapped on to give them a semblance of variety.   But Rick remains unfazed. Mainly because Rick agrees. His producers, the recording “hit factory” of Stock, Aitken and Waterman (the same producers as Kylie Minogue and Bananarama) merely photocopied a formula that Motown had done several decades before and churned out regurgitated songs until they were as worn out as the debates on Charter change. But for those of us who are in the know, we know that Rick’s songs were not mere synthesized pop and bubblegum lyrics. Rick’s songs were indoctrination. 

 For those among us who have the lyrics of every Rick Astley song cauterized into our neurons, we know better than to be misled by propaganda about our future world leader. Rick Astley has not been spending his tranquil days gliding down the River Thames in a canoe made of money. Rick Astley has not changed his name to Ricardo Bocanegra and gone to Mexico hoping to crush the career of Ricky Martin. Rick Astley has not swiped the identity of Roderick Paulate.  Rick Astley has merely been biding his time. Rick Astley has made us all bitin for a reason. 

But Rick has finally returned to destabilize the globe. Seriously.

Enter one world under Rick with the infernal weapon of “rickrolling.” A phenomenon that was conceived on the Internet, rickrolling is Astley at his most subversive: it begins when one clicks on an innocuous weblink that appears to be relevant to a topic of interest, like “the disclosure of Iran’s nuclear plan” or “video of Paris Hilton and Busta Rhymes making out” or “Memorandum of Agreement on Ancestral Domain.” Then, in a classic bait-and-switch tactic that would make our administration officials green with envy, the link drags you instead to the 1987 music video of Never Gonna Give You Up. Once you are hypnotically drawn in to the image of Astley decked out in his khaki-colored trenchcoat doing his signature shuffle, then you know that you have been incorrigibly rickrolled — or, better yet, you are Rick Astley-fied:  you will finally give it up, and become his arm-twirling minion for life.  

Rickrolling has even gone live action: large-scale events have been Rick Astley-fied beyond recognition. It has been used to stage protests, disrupt basketball games, and replace artificial birth control. As of April 2008, SurveyUSA indicated that more than 18 million Americans have been rickrolled. So move over, Richard Gere; move over Bono; move over Ely Pamatong; Rick Astley is the ‘It’ man for anti-establishment. And he can sort of dance, too. We are waiting rather impatiently for Gen. Esperon to rickroll the Supreme Court. 

But before the iron rule of the New Rick World Order, you must make concessions to your loyalists in Manila. The Philippines must be your beachhead, Mr. Astley. Make no mistake. We have taken Keith Martin. We will soon take David Pomeranz. And maybe even Tony Hadley. You, my dear leader, are next.   

So, on behalf of your advance scout patrol, we were ecstatic that you paid an ocular visit to Manila. And, despite suffering from jetlag, sleep deprivation, several thousand gin tonics and a guest appearance on a noontime variety show, thank you for rendezvousing with us in your quote unquote press conference to secretly telegraph your next steps towards world domination. Of course, I would have wanted to interview you privately so that I could drool and scream as much as my testosterone would permit me.  Unfortunately, your 3,000-pound bodyguard who was gingerly holding on to my low-hanging body parts convinced me otherwise. 

Let’s party like it’s 1988!

RJ LEDESMA (a.k.a. Rick Astley Forever Philippines Fan Club Makati Chapter President): Rick, how do you find the Philippines, a place where you are revered as a patron saint in farflung karaoke bars and sing-along houses?

RICK ASTLEY (a.k.a. The Eighties Are Alive In My Heart And In My Bank Account): Right this very second, this is not what I would call enjoyable, to be honest. (Laughs.) (Of course we all laugh along because Rick Astley is laughing.) But, you know, we did do some shopping, and I was shooting a .45 caliber pistol yesterday morning.  That’s what I call fun.  

Oh, Mr. Astley, that’s what all the big ‘80s icons tell me once they find out that I’ll be interviewing them. By the by, do you realize that that is also something that we have in common besides our sex appeal? That we are both ‘80s icons?

(Dumbfounded silence.)

That’s the same reaction I get as well. Also, do you realize that you are the best British entertainment industry expert since Simon Cowell?

(Laughs with an agenda.) Since Simon Cowell!? Okay, okay. Um, no I didn’t realize that. I apologize profusely.

Well, it was really a tossup between you and Mr. Bean. I understand that you will be flying off to Indonesia then to Singapore for the 2008 Singfest singing festival. But don’t you realize that you have more salivating fans in the Philippines than in both of those countries combined?

You know what, I will take any salivation they’ve got. I don’t take many salivation tours anyway.

Let’s Do The Time Warp

When I told my officemates “Rick Astley is coming to Manila for a concert!” I could hear middle-aged, highly made-up women shriek with glee, but my younger female officemates merely sneered, “Who is Rick Astley?” Would you like me to make sure that these women experience an excruciating death? 

Are you asking me do I like mature women?

Well, not really. But you are Rick Astley. You can say draw any conclusion you want.  

Well, obviously young kids out there wouldn’t know who I am. Because, why would they? There’s been a thousand and one artists since I first came with out with a record. But to be honest, it’s not really about that. It’s really about a walk down memory lane. I’m just having a good time over here, it’s not about me trying to reinvent myself. It’s just a bit of fun, if you know what I mean.

I can still make sure that these women die an excruciating death, you know. Now, let’s talk about the men in your life. Does it frighten you that thousands of straight, slightly balding men with 36-inch waistlines have a man-crush on you?

Yes, yes, I’m told, I’m told. But I’m very comfortable with my sexuality. 

Okay, so that means I don’t have to take my hand off your lap. 

A Plate Of Mojo

How hard was it to be a sex symbol back in the ‘80s? Were women throwing their underwear at you?

To be honest with you, I have had much more underwear thrown at me over the last year during concerts than I ever did in the ‘80s. 

So those were probably your fans from way back when?

No, no. Those were the men. (Raucous laughter from the press folk.)

Okay, you can return my underwear now. Fifteen years after your first hit, I would like to know how it feels to be a sex symbol from the ‘80s who has been transplanted into the 2000s. Are there still women who throw their underwear at you? Do you throw their underwear back at them?

To be honest, this whole thing about being a sex symbol, I never really got into that. I don’t really see that. I used to sing, I did what I did. I never really expected to be called a sex symbol. 

I know what you mean. To be honest, I haven’t gotten over the fact that nobody thinks I’m a sex symbol from the ‘80s.

52 Pick Up

So, did being Rick Astley help you get the women? Did you, like, go up to women and say, “Hey. I’m Rick Astley, check out the hair. So do you wanna stay together forever, luv?”

 To be honest, I’ve never been one of those guys who used that to get women. I’ve been with the same woman now for 19 years.

Let me shake your hand vigorously! That is an answer my wife would approve of! But prior to shacking up with your girlfriend, did you ever use your songs as pickup lines, like “Hey, my little crumpet, do you wanna dance with me? Hey, fish and chips, my arms keep missing you? Hey, my little kidney pie, do you want to give it up?”

I didn’t but I can tell that you did.

(Laughter.)

You know you have a very deep baritone voice much like the popular soul singer who is the bane of population control advocates worldwide, Barry White. So, tell me, have you ever played your own songs while making out with a woman?

I sing to my girlfriend sometimes, but that’s about it. I don’t sing I’m Never Gonna Give You Up.

Do you sing Together Forever? Don’t Say Goodbye? My Arms Keep Missing You?

I’m not telling you what song (Laughs mockingly.)

Ah, then it must be Cry for Help. So tell me the truth, how many women have you actually made out with while listening to your own songs? And can you give us a sample? 

Sure thing. (Familiar pop chords fill the pressroom, causing screeches of delight among those who grew up in the ‘80s, giving a nosebleed to those who were born in the ‘90s. Rick gamely pushes aside his chair and quickly dons a pair of RayBan shades, a trenchcoat, and starts singing:) Nevah gonna geeeevvvv yoooouu up, nevah gonna let yooooouuu daaaahhhhwwwnn…

Damn, I’ve been rickrolled by Ricky Astley. I can die happy now. 

Carmi, listen to this!

And the question of this interview that is of utmost consequence: Have you ever heard of the great Roderick Paulate?

Yes, yes. I’ve heard of him.

Really!? I could hear Kuya Dick squealing for glee in the distance knowing that you are aware of his existence. He is the Rick Astley of the Philippines. 

I’ll tell you what. If he’s coming tomorrow, he’s coming onstage with me to do the rest of the show.

(Thunderous applause from the Roderick Paulate fan club)

That is so generous of you! And it must be such an honor for you to be called the Roderick Paulate of the United Kingdom.

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For comments, suggestions or a fake autograph of Rick Astley, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart or Sun subscribers. Or email ledesma.rj@gmail.com

The author would like to profusely thank Mossimo Music and DMC Philippines for arranging the interview.