‘Should I give my husband another chance?’

Dear Eppy,

I am 28 years old and married for two years now.  I have a child aged one-and-a-half years old.  My husband and I have been in a relationship since 2012.  My husband had been nice to me from day one.  But two months ago, he simply turned cold and seemingly uncaring.  About a month-and-a-half ago, I discovered he had a female friend who was sending him text messages all the time.  When I saw the texts, I asked about her and he got angry.  He accused me of being nosey.  A month ago, I got a confirmation from him that he was in a romantic relationship with this girl.  I confronted him about it, but he was arrogant and belligerent.  Last month, he left home and has not gotten in touch with me since. When I call him, he does not answer his phone.

I am very angry and hurt right now. I want to punish him and hurt him for what he has done.  But I know my husband is a loving and caring person.  I know he is just confused right now and that when he gets back to his senses, he will be very sorry about the whole thing and come back to me.  He will love me again like before.  But am I right in giving him another chance?  I believe that people deserve a second chance. 

Loving Wife

Dear Loving Wife,

Life is about choices.  There are times when there are more options given and there are times when you have to choose between two things only.  Whatever the number of choices you are given, there are negative and positive consequences that come along with each option.  If we only consider the options but not the consequences that come with these, chances are we will get hurt because of unrealistic expectations.  For example, if you like candy, you have options of eating it or not.  If you choose to not eat the candy, then the consequence is to have good teeth.  Also, the consequence is not to satisfy your need to taste something sweet.  If you choose to eat the candy, then the consequences are being able to taste something sweet and to have rotten teeth.  Unrealistic expectation is choosing not to eat candy but expecting to satisfy your need to taste something sweet.  If, however, you choose to eat the candy, then unrealistic expectation is expecting your teeth to be perfect, knowing that the chances of having rotten teeth are quite high due to eating something sweet. 

Let’s apply this concept to your situation.  Psychology was born out of the need to predict and understand people’s behavior.  There are people out there who oppose this field because their philosophy is that they cannot be put in a box by predicting their behavior.  Unfortunately, this philosophy implies that we cannot predict anyone’s behavior.  Yet, all living things naturally predict what may come due to certain events or behavior.  For example, the dog and cat predict that when human beings come close, these humans will be nice to them because humans give them food.  As a result, they allow human beings to touch them. 

People will more likely take a partner that is nice to them than a partner that is uncaring and hostile.  You choose to want to believe that your husband will be nice to you again one day.  Maybe so.  However, let us consider the fact that when he was being nice to you he was “in-love” with you.  At present, he is “in-love” with someone else.  Fact is, he is nasty to you now that he is not in-love with you.  It is safe to assume then that he is “nice” and “caring” to the one he is in-love with at the moment and will not be nice to the person who may be an obstacle to his being with the person he is in-love with.

It is safe to say now that when he goes back to you, he may or may not be nice.  However, when he finds another woman again in the future, the chances are high that he will not be nice to you again.  It is abusive for a spouse to be unfaithful.  It is also abusive for a spouse to abandon the other spouse.  Chances are high that on the next affair, he will abandon you again.

You have two options now.  One is not to take him back.  The other is to take him back.  Choosing to take back your husband means taking the consequence of being cheated on and being treated like you were not important again.  The other consequence could be that he will change his ways.  Not accepting him back means you will not have to suffer being cheated on again.  The other consequence is that you may lose the opportunity to be loved by this man. 

Look at all the options and consequences of your choices.  Which one is the option that has consequences that you are willing to take?  That is the best choice for you.  No one else can decide for you because no one else can tell you what consequences you are willing to take.     

Eppy

* * *

Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.