Long live the banyo king

Hi Marc!

When I was a child, I was skinny and short. I looked weak and defenseless, I was always bullied. I decided that if I fixed myself and looked really good, I would get some respect. It worked. Now I’m all grown up and I think I’ve become vain. I’ve become the school’s "banyo king" because I spend a lot of time in the bathroom fixing myself. My problem is I don’t want people to think I’m insecure. Please help. — Vanity

OK, now maybe bullies in the Philippines are a little different from the ones I grew up with, but primping and grooming yourself constantly to make yourself better-looking would have probably gotten you even more bullied at my old school (or smacked around the head with your curling wand). I was pretty skinny and short myself when I was a kid, and also young for my class, so I remember getting bullied from time to time, too (although school was nothing compared to how my brother used to bully me in the name of sibling friendliness). However, I can’t say that I ever thought of constantly grooming myself to get the bullies’ respect. Maybe to try and get a girl, but certainly not to impress the guys. For some reason I just can’t picture the bullies in school thinking "Man that guy is good-looking! We’d better not mess with him!"

Well, I guess you somehow managed to make it through your younger years, and now have gotten into the habit of fixing yourself every chance you get so that you’re always as presentable as possible. Now you say that you’re worried that you’re on the brink of becoming vain. This may come as a shock to you buddy, but I think you’re already well past the brink and presently wallowing in the mirror-encrusted pit of vanity on the other side.

When you’re a kid, you can use all sorts of excuses, and to be fair, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look your best as much as possible. I know I like to be comfortable with my appearance whenever I leave the house, and am honest enough to admit it takes me at least half-an-hour to get ready in the morning (although a large part of that is slowly clearing the cobwebs of my brain under the shower). That being said though, I’m pretty much done for the rest of the day. If I need to use the CR, I might quickly check myself in the mirror while I’m there, but I’m not whipping out a hairdryer or an exfoliating mudpack for good measure.

Now you say that you don’t want people to think you’re insecure, but let’s face some cold, hard truths. You are insecure. You need to learn to be more confident in yourself and realize that people won’t judge you on looks alone. Become a more well-rounded individual by spending less time in the banyo and more time hanging out and joking with friends. Feel free to even poke some fun at yourself and your past habit of preening all the time.

You’ve obviously gotten into the habit of being a high-maintenance prima donna when it comes to your looks, and if you don’t want people to start making fun of you again (the "banyo king" nickname is not a good sign), then you’re going to have to tone things down a bit. Really, you just need to fix yourself in the morning, and you should be OK for the rest of the day. If your hair gets a bit flat, or you get a bit of stubble on your chin in the afternoon, that’s fine! It’s normal and people expect it. You may think that girls won’t be as attracted to you if you don’t always look your best at all times, but trust me when I say they’d rather be with a guy who has a couple of hairs out of place than one who takes longer in the bathroom than they do! —Marc

* * * Love Me, Don’t Hit Me

Hey Marc!

I read your column now and then. You give sensible advice and you have a great way of expressing it. I love your sense of humor, that’s why I’m writing you. All my friends are so serious I don’t want to ask them for advice.

You see, I got back with my ex-boyfriend. We lived together for two years and we fought violently — complete with bruises and black eyes. Eventually, I left him. We had no communication for five months, then we saw each other and got back together again. He promised me he has changed. Is this possible? Can a guy change his violent nature? — Sara

Hmm, tricky situation. In general, I’d advise against getting back together with anyone who has a history of violence against his/her partner, and I see little reason to change that opinion in this case. If you think back to when you were going out with him, can you remember how he would just lose it completely, beat you, and then the next day beg and ask for your forgiveness, saying it would never happen again? You probably believed him then as you believe him now. How often did you go through the same routine until you finally figured out it was an endless cycle that wouldn’t stop?

Now don’t get me wrong. I do think it’s possible for people to change, but I also realize that it is an incredibly difficult thing to do when it is part of their nature. Some people might argue that if a guy only hit his girlfriend a couple of times, then he’s not actually violent, he just got unusually mad and it’s not in his nature. I say that one hit is one hit too many, and if it ever happens in a relationship, then get the hell out ASAP before it happens again.

Now you haven’t seen your ex or had any communication with him for five months. There is a chance that he has spent that time doing some soul-searching and is really repentant for what he did and wants to make it up to you. I’m sure that when he wanted to get back together with you, he told you how much he loved and missed you, and that he now realizes that what he did was wrong, and will never do it again. Seeing as you’re already back together with him I guess you believe him and want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

What you now need to do is this: Write a promise to yourself that you will leave him completely if he ever raises a hand to you, even just once. Also tell him that if he ever hurts you, then you’ll know that he can’t change and you’ll leave him forever. Make him believe it, and convince yourself to go through with it if you need to. I know that you probably love your boyfriend very much, and that is why you are back together with him. But no matter how much you care about him, you should look after yourself first and foremost. There is never any excuse for a man to violently hit the woman he loves. Ever. Unlike baseball, here it’s only one strike, and he’s out. — Marc

* * *

Send questions to: question_ Marc@hotmail.com