Modern Girl’s Guide to Instagram

MANILA, Philippines - Instagram is so last season. Between years of posting shot after artfully styled shot, workout selfie after #NoMakeUp selfie, from OOTDs to FOTDs, I have remained, definitively, unviral. If perfection is the disease of a nation, as declaimed by our Queen Beyoncé, any doctor would agree: my feed sorely needs a checkup. Stat.

In lieu of my efforts, I’ve wondered: where is my comped Gold’s Gym membership? Why is my comment section totally bereft of desperate Instagram vendors? “Monopods and Loom Bands available here!” exclaimed by no one ever. At the very least, I have yet to receive the free diet food I think I deserve. Is my feed the social media equivalent of a leper colony? Gee.

 I’m so over it, I’m already under it. But for the lack of a better fashion tech alternative, we press on.

Between myself and all 400 of my devoted followers, I realize the market is saturated and that ship has sailed. No matter how good my butt looks in these Lulu Lemon yoga pants (#SalamatBok), there is no Jen Selter-esque fitness mogul career path on the horizon. Instagram has become an endless mix of shoes, bags, sunglasses, and the strategically placed international edition of Vogue, shot against an aggressively art-directed eggs Benedict at brunch. The homogeny is real and with just the right angle and VSCO filter — perfection is the Instasized norm. 

As a consummate believer in the maxim “fake it ‘til you make it,” the self-obsessed fashion girl need not face the quest for virtual reality alone. In a nutshell, you’re only about documenting a three-day Juju cleanse, a trip to Dashing Diva, a poolside staycation, or namedropping Uber on a wild GNO, of course, sans promo code. In this world, self-editing and digital curation have been elevated to an art form. Social media is all about presenting an ideal version of yourself. No room is left for the dreadfully mundane.

To appease your contemporaries, YStyle presents the Modern Girl’s Guide to Instagram: the perfect edition. The rules are simple: no T-shirts, no flip-flops; in fact, no you. The real you, that is.

From Where I Perch

Without running the occupational hazard of making your thighs look too big in the standard top-down outfit shot, we’ve revolutionized the shoegaze selfie. Kick your feet up either from a couch, a barstool, a full-on windowsill or the backseat of your car. Take notes from Lucky magazine EIC @evachen212 and shoot your shoes with a bag for maximum mileage. Or make like
@thecollecteur (above) and make faces with your kicks and clutches.

Mani Cam

The Mani Cam is easily my favorite reality-warped Instagram confection; getting our nails did all Japanese-y, or so Katy Perry sings. Apart from showcasing the latest shades from Chanel to Deborah Lippmann, the scope of the Instasnap is open to wide variation. Be it an arm party manicure or the classic Clueless “I’m drawing attention to my mouth with a cookie” selfie, the possibilities are endless. Can you say vernis? You had me at #RougeNoir.

Tracy Anderson Method

Fancy new sports bra, shredded top, J.Crew leather carry-all and a vitamin water? Check. Everybody who goes to exercise group class secretly wants to succeed their instructor. It’s a competitive primal urge for anybody who dreams of toned arms and a perky derriere. Take matters into your own hands and set your own Instagram exercise agenda. Test your lighting, suck it in and channel your inner @jenselter. Go easy on the flash.

Goopstagram

“I’m on the second day of my juice cleanse and my skin looks so much brighter, right?” No? Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels — or so I’ve been told. Think the colorful spread at a farmer’s market. Think fresh produce, your counter top and a high-speed blender. So clean, so fresh. For this one, you want to exude a holier-than-thou point of view; people will forgive you because you are known to abstain from solid foods. Step two? Bask. #Kale

Art-Directed Work Space

Take creative license and make an artfully arranged mess of your desk, bed, or wherever it is you like to pretend to work. Make-believe gainful employment is the new black. The name of the game is exuding exigent productivity yet still keeping an air of nonchalance. Think #IWokeUpLikeThis but for your workspace. Employ a vessel of flowers, litter your surface with small trinkets, coffee-table books, a steaming mug of Matcha green tea, a persimmon, and of course, the latest Japanese Vogue from your friend who just flew in. #ILoveMyJob