Disturbing behavior, Pinay-style

They say women are the most elusive creatures ever created. A woman is at once compelling and confusing. Their intrigue comes from a flawless ability to drive men insane by craftily manipulating them. They’re like cheap heaters. They go cold at the most unexpected moments. However, I detected a few qualities in the Filipino woman that are neither compelling, intriguing nor beguiling. They exist for no reason at all, just like cockroaches and goldfish. Being a writer has forced me to look at things with an abnormal scrutiny. I have noticed there are some Pinay traits and affectations that are as distinct as the sampalok in sinigang. I don’t pretend to know everything. My knowledge spans hangover cures to infallible white lies, to beauty know hows. However, there are the harmless mannerisms of women in our archipelago that confuse me, leaving me annoyed, amused and always fascinated.

Last night at Wherelse? I saw an old friend and I asked her "How are you?" and she simply said, "I don’t go out anymore." I mean, was that an answer? Am I on glue here? I told my friend Marcel about that odd answer and he said that he gets that a lot, too. I thought about it and realized that I get that answer — a lot. Is it the new superiority complex? These are usually college friends or people I have not seen for quite some time. They usually say this with a sigh and a half shrug of the left shoulder. They have this look of pity as they utter the words accompanied by a cool confidence as if to say: "Poor you, you’re still doing the same old thing, while I’m at home sipping root beer, getting fat and watching bad TV."

I happen to like the fact that I have seven Saturdays a week. The logic of that answer follows the same logic of pulling a steel cable through an eye of a needle. The Philippines was called "Las Islas Histericas" by the Spanish colonizers because of its party-hardy natives. Does this mean snooze is in? Is being a hermit the new form of snobbery? There’s something truimphant about getting past the shallow night scene our country enjoys. So it makes sense that the ultimate declaration of maturity is knocking your party hat off your head and starting cross-stitching. I think of all my fun friends who are now watching DVDs on perfectly good Thursdays. This phenomenon is especially manifested when someone gets hooked up. I hope that never happens to me. Call me trite but I happen to enjoy being shallow.

Pinoy hairstyles catch my attention for their generic inclinations. I mean, let’s take Pinoys as an example first. Filipino men I have noticed generally favor four styles: The Bruno’s buff-puff hairdo that make them look like human topiaries. The Fido Dido/Bart Simpson look sported by boys in cargo pants who drive lowered and noisy Civics. The Tancho Tique look is the slicked-back look reflecting the obssessive Pinoy desire to look clean. Too much pomade, however, makes them look like grease monkeys. I once asked a friend who looked like he just had a nice relaxing swim in an oil spill why he wanted to look like the poster child for motor oil. He said that maybe if he put a little too much it will stay longer. Duh. This look is also favored by older infants who make whoopee with their secretaries and want to maintain a clean-looking image. The long hair sported by musicians, models, actors or wannabe rebels varies in length from chin to back. Oddly enough these granola boys seems to have sweetest-smelling hair. The Caesar and Ralph Lauren boy looks are the looks which I must say is like the little black dress for men. It hides the sins of your hair and is flattering if done correctly.

For women, we have the Demi Moore hair (been there), the sabunot look (done that), the safe bob (that too), the long hair with a half ponytail (my passport picture immortalized). As a person once told me — we all look like children of the corn with our commie-like approach to hairstyles.

Colors are also quite similar. Pinays tend to choose colors with the words chestnut, mahogany, cocoa and gold attached to it. They believe anything that sounds natural will be a wise choice. This predilection for chemical wonderstuff labeled with the echoes of nature extend to makeup colors and scents. Remember the Bath and Body Works boom? The only thing natural about that was the mockery of these marketing genuises of our intelligence. I being chief sucker caved in the natural ingredient scam.

You see, Pinays were raised to believe that being simple is the chief trait to make you marry-able. But do they know what the word means? They think natural makeup and scents are part of being simple. They also tend to believe lack of knowledge and being a wimp makes them simple. That is such a male Pinoy-engineered term. For them, simple equals bobo and martyr. Some, on the other hand, think they’re simple as they make a rainforest out of their legs, armpits and upper lips by letting fuzz grow wild. I understand if people do it for personal purposes or in some cases a lack of purpose. But to do it in an effort to be simple is simply stupid and not to mention yuck. My friend from New York once came to Manila and hit the beaches. He said he was seeing bush hair left and right. Is it so hard to get a bikini wax? I mean, if we can survive all the shit of living in a Third World country, we must find the strength in ourselves to withstand a few quick rips of hot wax for the sake of decency.

I was a judge in a recent model search and I noted that a lot of contestants described themselves as simple. I mean what do they think simple is? She had enough foundation on to make a Skyway on her face, her eyes expertly frosted and contoured, nails long and red, accessories by the mile. If she’s simple then I’m the pope! Is that the new "world peace" answer that beauty pageant contestants and clueless actresses love to give? A no-fail, sure-win strategy? Understand the word first girl, then say it. Mother Teresa was simple. Princess Di was not simple at all but still admirable. Helping AIDS patients wearing Versace is not simple but it does not diminish her richness as a person. As my friend Tim Yap would say: "What’s up simple, anyway?" We can be good and stylish. It’s fun to be complicated.

I also observed that most Pinays have a hard time receiving compliments gracefully. They usually start getting confused and panicky as if you’ve just discovered their deepest, darkest secret, like Nixon during the Watergate scandal. They usually get flustered, start getting clammy hands, break out in a cold sweat and mumble something incoherent, like "hindi, luma na ito" or "wala, walang kwenta yung ginawa ko." If you complement a girl’s shirt a common answer would be "No, I just got it at the tiangge" or "It’s cheap lang, 200 pesos only." We have become financial analysts to our closet fodder. However, I must say that I am guilty of this, too.

Another peculiar habit of women is when they press their palms to their chest while they are picking up something. This gets especially annoying when they are flat-chested and wear a baggy shirt. I say let it all hang out. Everyone needs to be a boob chandelier once in a while, anyway. Another Maria Clara wannabe-but-cannot-be move is when girls cover their mouth when they talk. I mean, really, what’s up with that? Afraid they’ll spit on someone or show off their yellow teeth? They should be more afraid of looking awkward and dumb. How can it be a sign of coyness? Of respect? How could it add to your appeal? Does covering one’s mouth mean that they are simple, too? It gets more frustrating when they use a hanky! I think this is taking the Moses-covering-his-face-upon-seeing-the-burning-bush episode. I mean, your date is not God, for crying out loud.

My boyfriend says that another annoying Pinay affectation is her irrational rule of making the boyfriend call her when he wakes up and when he gets home. I know that a decoy reason for it is that it is stemmed out of concern. Well that’s sweet if it were true but the prevailing reason to it is to make sure their boys aren’t fooling around. Darling, no matter how much pull you put on your man’s choke collar a dirty dog will always keep his tail wagging. If you don’t trust him, send him to the pound.

I’m not bashing — merely observing and questioning. I like weird. However, when does strange become stupid? People should stop burning porn and burn these social disease manuals instead. Live your life the way you want to. It’s in breaking the rules that you begin to live in accordance to your own tastes. C‘est la vie!