Sitting on my pain, sitting with my joy

For the longest time, I’ve been meaning to meditate. But I didn’t know how. Sure, I had some general idea about what took place during the "practice" but it was all in some kind of a haze. All I knew was that I had to empty my mind. But how could I do that? My mind was constantly flooded with thoughts.

Then I read an article about a 10-day meditation course that was being offered, open to anyone who has a desire to learn how to meditate, with or without any previous experience in meditation. This was for me; I kept the article and resolved to apply for the course.

Just before October came, I e-mailed Sr. Angelita Walker, RSCJ (who was responsible for bringing the course to the Philippines) about my desire to join the course. She directed me to http://www.dhamma.org to read the code of conduct for those intending to join. There I found out that I’d have to keep "noble silence," cut off communication with the outside world, eat vegetarian food, refrain from reading, writing, taking intoxicating substances, and killing mosquitoes, etc. for the duration of the 10-day course.

Stringent requirements! But I was a Catholic seminarian for nine years! So I thought I could handle it. Still, I was a bit apprehensive. Foremost in my mind was the question: Could I really survive a 10-day meditation course? (I mean, what else do you do in a meditation course but err... meditate? In the seminary we had an hour of daily meditation, and most of my "meditation time" was spent sleeping! Even with the best of intentions, could I really cope with meditating the whole day – for 10 days?)

Filled with fear and trembling, I filled out the application form at the last minute and e-mailed it to Sr. Lita.

It was one of the best last-minute decisions of my life. Heck, it was one of the best decisions I made in my life, last-minute or not.

In the course, I found out that meditation is hard work. Ironic, but true. You wake up at 4 a.m., sit, try to keep still, pay attention to your breathing, and then later, to the sensations in your body all apparently amounting to doing nothing. And yet, at the end of the day, you are quite tired, gladly welcome the scheduled bedtime at 9 p.m. and consider the words "Take rest" to be the kindest mantra in the whole world.

I’ve been meaning to meditate for the longest time. I’ve been meaning to meditate to discipline my mind and body. I’m probably one of the laziest people you’ll find. I’d always find an excuse not to do something, even if I wanted to do it.

It’s probably not laziness per se. It’s probably a perfectionist streak, minus the strength of will to back it up, coupled with the fear of failure. I figured if I learned how to meditate properly, I’d have more focus, more discipline, and more heart.

Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of the most ancient meditation techniques in India. Whether you’re a Christian, a Moslem, a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Jew, or an atheist, we are all human beings subject to physical, emotional and mental pain and suffering and we are all searching for a remedy. Vipassana is a non-sectarian technique that aims for the eradication of mental impurities – not merely the curing of diseases, but the essential healing of human suffering – as its purpose. Through direct experience, the nature of how one grows or regresses, how one produces suffering or frees oneself from suffering is understood. It brings about increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace.

Vipassana meditation is simple, non-dogmatic and a practical path to self-transformation. It does not make use of any mantra nor visualization. Vipassana is a simple and systematic method of quieting and sharpening the mind through direct self-observation.

All you need to learn the technique are the following: the ability to breathe and feel sensations in your body as well as the willingness to learn and adhere to the code of conduct during the course.

I am no stranger to experiencing prolonged physical pain (I’ve been an asthmatic since infancy.) I discovered a lot of repressed anger and irritation surfacing during the course. And once during a sitting, I rediscovered a pain I thought I’d already let go. There and then, I was taught how to deal with the pain in a new way.

I sit on my pain. And remember the many people who have had to endure great physical pains without their choosing.

Once you have managed to live with the pain, all sorts of pain – emotional, psychological, existential, real, imaginary, trivial – start to compete for your attention.

I sit with my pain. And let it be my teacher and friend. I realize how, through pain, I am bound in communion with the rest of suffering humanity. I develop compassion for people, who like me are shaped and molded (transfigured!) by pain.

Vipassana teaches me not to run away from pain that is here and now. But to observe it by seeing it as it is. Temporary. "This, too, shall pass." And it does fade and pass. Then I begin to feel joy and I sit and observe, as it too shall pass.

There are times when I’m in such a funk that I’d rather not sit and meditate. And I always end up grateful when I do. Sit, rather than not sit.

Now, more than a year into the practice, I’d say I’m making some progress. I’ve been keeping the hours, and I tell you, man, that is something! For the fruits of my sitting:

• I’m becoming more patient with myself and other people, too.

• I’m becoming more aware of my negative reactions to certain people, situations, and things.

• I’m becoming more daring and courageous about doing crazy things and making a fool of myself. (I know, most people do not consider this a benefit. I do.)

• I’m becoming more discerning about knowing what I really want.

• I’m becoming more trusting in people and divine providence.

• I’m realizing that happiness and starting again are always an option open to me.

• I’m realizing that what matters more is not so much the greatness of a task as the love with which this task is undertaken.

For all those like me who have a deep desire to have a balanced mind, full of love, peace and compassion, learn how to meditate. Take a meditation course to really know and experience what it is about, and what it has to offer in your life.

If you find that it is not really to your liking, then you go on with the search for your path. But if you think and feel (like I do!) that it is a good practice, a path with a heart, then I suggest that you prepare to make some changes. For you will have to make time daily, morning and evening, to sit, to clear and purify the mind. And then be prepared to be happy!

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Vipassana meditation courses will be held on May 11-22. Courses will be conducted at Sico Farm, Dasmariñas, Cavite. For inquiries, call 823-1418, 523-4842, 632-6506 or text 0920-4656480, 0917-8971903, 0916-9708578, or e-mail vipassana_rp@yahoo.com.

Application forms may be downloaded from www.dhamma.org and faxed to 636-2361.

By tradition, Vipassana meditation courses are supported solely by voluntary donations. Neither the teachers nor the organizers receive any remuneration for their services.