‘Why did I meet the love of my life too late?’

DEAR EPPY,

I am in my early 40s, married to a simple woman 10 years my junior, and we have three children.  I am currently working as a manager of a multinational corporation.  We live a relatively middle-class lifestyle, with a house, family car, occasional vacations, and a good standing in society.  My wife is a good woman, though quite simple-minded, not intellectually stimulating, and is only so-so in bed.  As a homemaker, she is satisfactory.  Many times, I catch myself scolding her when she uses old wives’ tales and antiquated beliefs in raising our children.

Of course, I can’t blame her as she is a simple probinsyana whom I married out of convenience.  I got married at 30 because I felt it was about time to start a family, especially as I had been doing quite well in my career.  She kept house and bore me children. That’s what I needed … or so I thought.

The root of my problem stemmed from four years ago.  A new manager named Rosa joined our company and was an asset to our office.  As a manager, she instilled discipline yet inspired her team.  We, her fellow managers, love that she is such a team player.  In and out of the office, she is wonderful to have around.  On top of that, she has a very well-maintained physique, is intellectually stimulating. and charming.  I believe in my heart she is the perfect life companion.  That’s when I realized that I never felt this way before.  I believe she is my soul mate.  Yet, for the sake of my moral beliefs, I did not make any romantic overtures towards her.  Neither did she exhibit anything but a platonic and sincere friendship.  

She got married to a director of our sister company.  I hardly saw Rosa after work as she would be busy with her new life, her new house.  I miss her terribly.  I remember stealing glances at her when she was not looking.  I was jealous of her husband because I wanted the life he was enjoying, filled with nice, adventurous vacations, an upscale lifestyle, and especially Rosa.  Because of this, I sank into depression.  I thought my life was perfect because I made all the right choices — being gainfully employed, getting promoted, marrying at the right age, buying a house, having children.

They say having children will fulfill you, but why don’t I feel this way? My children are distant, always busy with their gadgets, their endless activities, and all their friends. I am surrounded by people but so lonely and frustrated.  Why did this happen? I followed the rules of society yet I feel resentful of my decisions. Why did I meet the love of my life too late?

STUCK WHERE THE GRASS IS LESS GREEN

DEAR STUCK WHERE THE GRASS IS LESS GREEN,

I bet some of those who are married also wonder and ask, “Why did I meet the love of my life too late?”  This sentiment has been a theme of some songs and movies.  For instance, you have the song Terminal, written and sang by Rupert Holmes in 1974. The song starts with, “I’ve come back this morning where I first came alive.”  It obviously reflects the way you write about your life.  Especially so, in the middle of the song which says, “You awoke the sleep of my life from gray into red.”  The man in the song commutes to work every day seemingly with a boring life.  Then like you, with your morals, it is followed by, “… But I had to get home to the kids and the wife,” as if they are such a burden.  Yet, he went back home and did what he thought was the right thing to do.

People go through life with their baggages and issues.  They need to resolve these issues.  But along the way, some people, if not most people, get sidetracked into ignoring these issues.  Unconsciously or subconsciously, they use marriage as a tool to sidetrack themselves.  Marriage is the best tool these people can get their hands on because now they perceive themselves as being imprisoned in it and they now blame everything on their spouses.  They blame their spouse for whatever they feel they lack in.  They look at all the faults of their spouse and blame them for their boring lives.

 You have a nice romantic sad story in your hands.  However, it betrays how you think.  You acknowledge all the good things in your life but you half-heartedly do so.  You are the guy who sees the glass half empty.  You see things negatively.  It is sad that you even blame your children for your sad life.  Your story is not about Rosa being fantastic and your wife and children as being the worst family in the world.  It is not about your wife being a probinsyana (provincial lass).  It is not about you having neglectful children. 

Your story is about you being neglectful to your family.  If you plant seeds of thorn bushes, don’t expect to have sunflowers in your garden.  You may have made life materially comfortable for your children, but how can children be neglectful if their parents are loving, kind, compassionate, and attentive?  Children will always give back what is given them. Therefore, the amount of attention you give them is the amount of attention they give back.  The amount of pain you send them is the same amount of pain they will send you.

It is about you being a manager and not the director of a company.  It is about you feeling you need to be someone else but are not.  It is about you feeling you lack in abilities and success when you don’t have to feel that way.

Appreciate what’s there.  Your wife has her good qualities.  Focus on those good qualities, not her bad ones.  Focus on what you love most about yourself, not on the things that you think you lack.  Focus on what you have already received from the world, not on what you think you did not receive from the world.  In summary, stop thinking in a negative way.                                                    EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.

(Author’s note:  The support group for battered wives is slowly being filled up.  If you are interested to join this group, call 09476574487 or e-mail surrogathelfen@gmail.com.)