‘My girlfriend and I argue over the stupidest things’

DEAR EPPY,

I’ve been dating the same woman for 14 months.  She has three kids, the oldest one is 21 years old, then the next children are twins aged 18 years old.  For the first five to seven months, things were great.  Now, with the kids out of the house, I find that we argue over the stupidest things.  Just so you know, she is a clinical/behavioral psychologist working with kids who have many issues. We haven’t had any physical contact in about two months. Not even sitting next to each other on the couch. What the hell is going on, and what can I do to open her up to me just a little?

LONELY HUSBAND

DEAR LONELY HUSBAND,

The first thing that I want to impress on you is that your partner is human first before she’s a psychologist.  People think that psychologists always do what’s right.  What’s worse is that there are some psychologists who think that because they are psychologists they think they will always do what’s right and that they will be able to handle their feelings well.  This is ridiculous.  Just as it is ridiculous for a lawyer to think that he will never be put in jail because he knows the law, or the doctor who thinks that he can cure all his loved ones because he knows medicine.

You must understand that your partner may be unaware of what she is going through.  If she is one of those psychologists who think that because they’re psychologists they know what their issues are, then more so, she will be unaware of her problems. Any other human being who sees her and has the right frame of mind will know if she has a problem or not.  You are in her life and are therefore just as unaware as she is.

You mentioned that her children moved out of the house.  She may be ineffectively dealing with the physical separation between her and her children.  She is stressed out and stricken with grief.  You have been in their lives for only 14 months.   For you, the children moving out might be a matter of practicality and objectivity.  But for your partner and her children, it might be a heart-wrenching experience. 

Have you heard of the phrase “empty nest”?  Jana L. Raup and Jane E. Myers, in their article entitled “The Empty Nest Syndrome: Myth or Reality?” and published by Journal of Counseling and Development, defines empty nest as “…the phase of the adult life cycle that occurs when the children are grown and no longer living at home.”  As you can see, this is a phase that every parent has to go through and one of the periods in a family life.  According to Raup and Myers, this is also referred to as the “post-parental period.”

Raup and Myers explain that parents, most especially mothers, go through grieving, sadness, and a sense of dissatisfaction with life.  Guilt is also indicated for some parents whose children have left home to find a new life somewhere.  The guilt is about the possibility that they have not prepared their children to go into the world and become successful in whatever endeavor they set themselves to do.  Interestingly, when the children show independence and courage to deal with the real world, the parents will feel another sense of loss because they will feel they were never needed by their children.  As a result, a sense of being unwanted is experienced.

Intuitively, we can safely assume that parents going through this period of “empty nest” will be seemingly despondent and depressed.  Naturally, they will isolate themselves and disconnect from people.  People around them will feel rejected, neglected, and unimportant.  On top of that, they will become irritable.  This is the reason why you fight over the “littlest things.”  Parents going through “empty nest” do not intentionally do this.  They don’t mean to hurt anyone or neglect anyone.  They just don’t have the motivation to connect to anyone.

You have to understand that your partner is going through a situation where there is a sense of loss.  It’s almost like someone has died.  If you had a beloved pet before, such as a dog, and this dog died, try to remember and see how painful it was for you then.  By doing this, you would understand what your partner is feeling.  Of course, it’s even worse with people when they leave because the interaction between people is complete versus the interaction with a dog.  Be patient because it will take awhile before she reconnects with you.  The point is, in time, she will connect again. 

I suggest for you to be more sensitive to your partner.  Fighting over the littlest thing is not about just her anymore.  It’s about you joining in the fight with her.  You need not react to her aggression.  Instead, respond to her aggression so it becomes more productive.  Reacting to her means fighting back.  Responding means inquiring about her anger and just listening to her.  There must be a clue to what sets her off quickly.

Maybe you would like to consider bringing her to a good therapist.  Even if she is a therapist to children, she cannot dodge the more accurate observations of a seasoned therapist.  The therapist will be able to give an accurate feedback on your partner, which will hasten her recovery from this situation.  Also, the therapist will be able to help you understand her more.  It will be a gift to her when you do so.

EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.