The totally legit elections quiz
Jonty Cruz (The Philippine Star) - May 5, 2016 - 10:00am

MANILA, Philippines - We’re almost at the end of this circus of a campaign season. With just a few days left, we will finally know if the light at the end of P-Noy’s Daang Matuwid is one of hope or that of an ignited gunpowder from a .45 caliber aimed straight at us. With so much fear and uncertainty knocking on our doors, we take a break from sheer terror and present an elections exam made with the right mix of dread and levity. Because who knows, this might be the last exercise in free speech we’ll ever get to do.

1. Are you a registered voter?

A. Yes, but I regret it now because of that data leak.

B. No, but I complain about everything a lot to make up for it. That counts, right?

2. Where do you get your political news?

A. Facebook, but I unfollow everyone I disagree with.

B. From the toilet, aka TV Patrol.

C. Rappler... jk lol.

D. From Yolanda comic books.

E. Beki wit da good hair.

3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad do you feel for Heart Evangelista?

A. 10

B. 0 - Chiz Escudero

C. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!! - Heart Evangelista

4. On a scale of 1 to 10 how awesome is Leni Robredo?

A. 11

5. Who had the best political debate?

A. CNN

B.  Really, ABS-CBN? But they turned it into a noontime show. And not even the AlDub kind!

C. TV5 was too late to get on this question.

 D. It’s CNN. The right answer is CNN.

6. Do you remember Miriam Defensor-Santiago back in 2001?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Was she the giant space baby? The old man in the bed? No, wait. Was she the computer?

7. Do you remember she said she’d jump off an airplane if Erap were arrested?

A. Yes

B. No

8. Do you still like Miriam Defensor-Santiago?

A. Yes

B. No

9. If you really had to swipe right, who’d it be?

A. A Duterte ‘splainer

B. A Marcos truther

10. Are you voting for Mar Roxas?

A. Yes

B. No

11. Really?

A. Yes

B. No

12. Final answer?

A. Yes

B. No

13. Do you think Grace Poe is American?

A. Yes

B. No, she just has that fake-ass Alabang accent.

14. Does Andy Bautista need a hug?

A. Yes

B. You had one job, Andy!

15. If an MRT train headed south left the station at 2 p.m., how long will it take Jun Abaya to ruin it?

A. Leave Jun Abaya alone.

B. Ignore A.

C. The limit does not exist!

16. Do you think Duterte really likes Alan Peter Cayetano?

A. No.

B. Yes, he said so himself after I told him to stop talking about Bongbong and talk about me, Jan Brady — I mean me, Alan Peter.

17. Do you know who’s running in your local government?

A. What’s a local government?

B. Yes, because my whole family is running.

18. Does Pia Cayetano still speak for women?

A. Yes

B. Hahahahahahahahahahaha

19. One last time: Mar Roxas?

A. Yes

B. No

20. Which “Lemonade” song most represents Jejomar Binay?

A. Pray You Catch Me

B. All Night

C. Hold Up

D. Sorry

21. Whatever happened to TG Guingona?

A. Those damn crocodiles...

B. He’s finally evolved to Venusaur.

22. Siri, what’s a Teddy Boy Locsin, Jr.?

A. A once respected writer and journalist

B. Your Tito who just discovered how Twitter works

C. The one-man local equivalent of Fox News

D. An elderly troll lacking a bridge to be under

23. How terrified are you of the next six years?

A. :(

B. I don’t want to have kids anymore.

24. When we are a Chinese colony in a year, who will you wish you had voted for?

A. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

B. Mar Roxas

C. Allan Carreon of the Intergalactic Earth Ambassadors

25. Do you think this quiz is super biased?

A. Yes! Young STAR is the worst!

B. Well, you read it anyway! Trolololol

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