Trouble and doubt

My dear readers, I shall try to convey a message to you all, which, at first, may not seem like a topic of interest. And though it could actually stay that way for its entirety, rest assured that I shall do my best to mix it up in a simple cocktail.

“In times of trouble, use your mind,” my sweet, adoring father would always tell me when I was a kid. “And in times of doubt use your heart,” he would add amidst the paperwork those airline people would send him to take home. I never gave it much thought back then, because when your baby brother is wondering where you’ve been for the last five minutes, why you haven’t been playing with him all this time, such a statement wouldn’t really have meant a whole lot to a 10-year-old boy with a TV addiction.

“I’m sorry, Karen, but can we please, please, not talk about it right now?” I said, 18 years later as I veered towards the most congested lane to make the ride home last a little bit longer. I had to make a decision right there and then, while she was in the car. “I still have these dark clouds in my head. Naiintindihan mo ba?”

“No, I don’t!” she screamed. “You gotta choose! Now na! Damn you!! Who cares if I slept with that guy?! Who cares ba?? He meant nothing eh! And I was drunk for snake’s sake! And that’s because you were f****ng late!”

“Shit, man... I said gimme a minute.”

It had been a rough night. And I couldn’t wait to get out of this shitty feeling. I wanted to tell her that she was being ridiculous, making me choose right now between her and my friend Charlie, coz he was the only one who had the guts to tell me I shouldn’t be with a girl who fooled around with someone else just because I was late. But I loved her; and that gorgeous hair, those lustrous eyes and bee-stung lips and magnificent figure told me otherwise. That I’d be a fool if I ever missed an opportunity to marry pretty and rich and we could live the rest of our days getting tanned and drunk in Barbados.

The sad part is I actually tried to excavate some meaning from my mundane lifestyle. Why would anyone want to cheat on me? Did I give out a vibe that says I was too trusting? Well, okay, maybe a little, but why did it seem so easy for them to sucker punch me in the back? Whatever the answer, my mind raced towards the damn limit of exhaustion.

As a guy who has never been good with the opposite sex, most of the dates I get are either set up by a friend or initiated by women themselves. Naturally, such blessings come very few and far between. I, however, continue down that path of roller-coaster attitude mixed with bravado — a jarring trajectory, which, pathetic as it may sound, tends to gain me some curiosity from certain females.

Granted, my inability to spice up even mere amusement in our first meeting often leads to refusals for a sequel date, such refusals often hidden behind tiny masks of gibberish and ever-reproachful smiles.

But pretentiousness, as I have found out, is never exactly foolproof. And as the countless rejections piled up, I slowly came to realize life wasn’t gonna give me anything easily without taking something back.

“Well?! Will you just sit there like a sedated baboon?” Karen shrieked. “Malapit nako sa bahay and you haven’t even said anything major! I said ‘I was sorry’ 10 times over so let’s just move on and work this out! What the hell more do you want?”

“I want the last two years of my life back,” I said quietly. I couldn’t understand why this girl was being so catty and mean to me. I mean, she was the one who made whoopee with some jerk and didn’t even have the nerve to tell me about it until she was caught red-handed and couldn’t deny it anymore. I’d been trying my best the whole time to act cool and calm but her bitchy aura filled me with such rage I could hardly focus on driving.

“You’re such a crybaby! I don’t know why you’re trying to make a mountain out of this… I mean nangyari na yun eh. I wish I could turn the clock back, but I can’t! Now I’m still here and I’m willing to put that behind me and I want to keep fightin’ here but I need an answer from you! Now talk!”

I tried to, but couldn’t, in all honesty. I couldn’t even hear what she was blabbing about anymore. Instead an old picture popped into my brain, and I remembered ‘ol Dad and those words which I thought I’d already forgotten about.

I still loved her. And I still wanted to be with her, to stroke that gorgeous hair, to see those lustrous eyes and kiss those bee-stung lips. I still wanted the chance that I could marry pretty and rich and enjoy the things we’d be doing in Barbados. I still wanted them. But I was in doubt; and as I pulled up near her house something in my heart told me this was over. And I think, on some level, she knew that too.

“So it’s actually finished?! I can’t believe it! Wala na talaga kayo?” Charlie said a couple of days later.

“Yep. Looks that way.” I wanted to smash his head with a guitar and told him to shut the hell up if he knew what was good for him. I know that he was good for it and that he gave me good advice but I was in no mood for any regrets. Not yet anyway. I guess he just couldn’t help himself.

“But I’m sure you learned a lot of things from this one, right? Am I right? You picked up many pointers about women na finally? Tell me you learned a lot from going out with her!”

“Well…” I said, following a deep, hooded sigh. “Maybe I learned one thing.”

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Email:  estabillo_rt@yahoo.com.