10 things I’m forced to like about the Philippines

A few weeks ago, this column featured a highly controversial MSN Instant Messenger conversation between myself and my real-life friends Cyril Flores (a.k.a. Professor Snape, psflores@hotmail.com) and Tiboy Catalan (a.k.a. Dirk Diggler, or more appropriately, Dudley Dursley, abaniko@hotmail.com). "Waaazzzaaa?!?!?" sparked an unprecedented amount of reader feedback, both positive and otherwise (the latter being directed for the most part to Dudley’s mailbox). One reader even went out of his way to call me at the office and air his sentiments against Dudley’s admittedly inflammatory statements on the average

Filipino’s intellect (further corroborated by our new favorite weekday viewing fare, The Weakest Link).

Short of requiring them to issue a retraction (thereby permanently damaging their reputations as Libakeros Numeros Uno y Dos, a.k.a. B1 and B2), I instead asked these two denizens of my Monday cyberworld to focus on the positive and list down 10 things they like about the Philippines.

Fortunately, one of our other friends, Deng San Valentin (a.k.a. Goyle, deng_19@hotmail.com), who only recently relocated to the Land of Milk and Honey, was also online at the time, so he threw in his two cents‚ worth about what he misses about home. Dudley’s favorite expression at the moment is coincidentally appropriate to this particular discussion, since all of us agree that, despite its innumerable faults and migraine-inducing inconveniences, there’s no place quite like the good old R of the P. "SAN

KA PA?!?!?"

Snape’s list "10 Things He Likes About the Philippines and Why" (he grudgingly calls his list "10 Things I’m Forced to Like About the Philippines")

Snape: 1.Makati CBD Elevated walkway... kasi it shows na we can come up with something respectable... am not sure if it’s good enough to be called "world-class" pero it’s perfect for our needs.

Hermiehoney: That’s true. At least it works!

Snape: 2. San Miguel Beer – I’ve tasted a few beer brands na wala dito sa Pinas and ang layo ng sarap ng SMB. (Amen!)

3. The malls!!! May mga nakausap na rin akong expats about malls and they say the best malls are here in the Philippines. Gamol, Galleria, Glorietta, Shang, Rockwell...

Dudley: Oo, Rockwell is jologs free...para sa akin medyo important yun. San ka pa? Hahahaha!

Snape: Ah! The reasonably English-literate population...number 4 yan. And as far as I am concerned mas malinaw mag English ang Pinoy. Number 5, Squid balls!!! Fish balls pati...Manong, ang sarap ng balls! Actually puede mo isama sa number 5 yung mga local delicacies like pili nut, durian, etc. But of course ihiwalay dapat ang Philippine mangoes!

Hermiehoney: And balut is in a category all its own!

Snape: So 6 ang mangga...the best mangga everu!!!

Dudley: I agree...the best ang Philippine mangoes, kasama na dyan ang dried version ha.

Snape: Ay!!! 7. FIGARO!!!!

Hermiehoney: Figaro is Pinoy ba?

Snape: Yep.

Dudley: Hindi ata e.

Snape: It’s Pinoy. Number 8...sunsets and balut on Manila Bay. Teka, wala na akong maisip pa, ikaw na muna mag-lista ng sa iyo, Tibs.

Dudley’s List

Dudley: 1. Sari-sari stores. You can buy basic needs...no need to go to the grocery.

Snape: Sama mo dyan Tibs yung tingi tingi sa kalye. Number 9 ko yun. Sa atin lang may tinging yosi.

Dudley: Mismo...yun ang tinatawag na "why go far?" Di ba, oks sya kasi if you need something quickly, hindi ka na tatakbo sa supermarket/grocery.

Goyle has been added to the conversation.

Dudley: 2. Tricycle/Jeep.

Snape: No way sa jeep, no way sa trike!

Dudley: Although sila ang mga cause ng traffic, malaki use nila sa atin. Teka, bago ka mag-alta presyon, let me explain.

Snape: It’s your list so OK lang.

Hermiehoney: Nag po-promote ng katamaran, hehehe.

Goyle: Hoy!

Dudley: Mismo!

Hermiehoney: Hoy Deng, kailangan kita.

Goyle: Baket?

Snape: Flanga nitch nitch is the phrase of the moment...we don’t use "mismo" anymore, hehe.

Dudley: Dito sa Pinas, you need not walk...hangga’t may tricycle, hindi ka maglalakad; hangga’t may jeep, di ka maglalakad.

Hermiehoney: Deng, mag-isip ka na at least 10 things you like about the Philippines.

Dudley: Oo, pero do that after I give my 10 things.

Goyle: Hmmmm...gimmick, food...

Dudley: Sh@t! Stop it! It’s my time to shine and sing alone! Hahaha!

Number 3. Taxi fare – mahirap man isipin pero we have one of the cheapest rates in the world.

Snape: Maybe...

Hermiehoney: Pero masisiba ang mga drivers, hehehe.

Dudley: Number 4. Hindi cell phone per se, yung service sa cell phones. Dito sa Pinas mura ang mobile service. Mas advanced pa tayo sa US!

Hermiehoney: Honga, ngayon lang sila nagkaroon ng SMS dun.

Dudley: World class, kung baga ang GSM networks natin dito.

Goyle: Yep, mas advanced pa talaga dyan.

Dudley: 5. MRT

Snape: I object!!!

Hermiehoney: Hehehe, listahan nya yan, chong.

Dudley: Ayaw man aminin ni Cyril, grabe ang naitulong nun sa atin. Bakit ka mag-o-object? E, I find it useful? Well, wag ka sumakay kung ganun.

San ka pa?

Snape: Give me one good reason, I can give you 10 negs.

Dudley: Speed...beat that with a bus.

Hermiehoney: Saka na ang debate...focus on the positive, children. Sapakin ko kayo pareho, e.

Dudley: As I was saying...even if the MRT sucks, sobrang useful sya. Kung baga nabawasan ang bus riders...leaves more room for other people.

Snape: Ayaw ko kasi siya lumabas sa mga list ni Honey kasi pag nakita ng tao yan o ng gobyerno, iisipin nila they are doing good na. But if you say you like it, and you say it’s useful, they will sit back and rest on their laurels.

(Fracas ensues and a lot of obscene language is thrown back and forth)

Dudley: Anyway, moving on. Number 6. Food Court.

Hermiehoney: Value meal!

Snape: Sa Enterprise lang ha...

Goyle: Yeah, food court!!!

Hermiehoney: O, di ba akma sa Pinoy, kahit takal pa rin, hehe.

Goyle: At mas masarap ang burger patty ng local burger joints!!! Number one, Tropical Hut hamburger!

Dudley: MISMO Deng!!! Speaking of burger joints...ang number 7 ko would be... Tropical Hut!

Goyle: Woohoo...WE AGREE ON THAT!!! Nagugutom tuloy ako!!!

Hermiehoney: UPS ka namin ng burger, kaya lang baka ma confiscate for anthrax, hehehe.

Goyle: Beats ANY burger ANYTIME!

Dudley: Number 8. Sisig, isaw, etc...

Goyle: Isama mo pa dinuguan!

Dudley: I guess most people will agree with me on this.

Goyle: Talaga – walang isawan sa mga kanto dito. Pati goto!!! Pupunta pa ako ng Jersey City para lang doon. Hindi pa masarap luto.

Dudley: 9. Night Life – mas masaya gumimik dito kesa sa ibang bansa...no ID required!! HAHAHA!

Goyle: Hay naku, sinabi mo.

Snape: May number 10 na ako finally: bulalo at saka bulalo steak...at saka tawilis!!!

Hermiehoney: Tagaytay yan...everything about Tagaytay is GOOD.

Goyle: Walang sinabi pagkain dito.

Dudley says: 10. Bingo!!! (Seriously...but for lack of material time, no explanation given.)

Hermiehoney: Thank you, si Deng na ang susunod.

Goyle: YES!!!

Goyle’s List:

Dudley: Sige Deng, it’s your turn.

Goyle: Good. 1. GIMIK SA GABI!!! 2. The beaches there, at least compared to the ones here in NJ. Yun nga lang, kakaiba na makakita ka ng puti na naka-bikini...MAN!!! Buti na lang maluwag shorts ko... (censored).

Snape: Man? As in men? Sabi ni Deng?

Dudley: Gusto nya daw ng lalaki. HAHAHAHA!

Goyle: G*GO!!! 3. Food. Kasama na dyan ang Tropical Hut Burger, isaw, goto, pati na rin Burger Machine.

Dudley: TSAKA SHAWARMA!

Goyle: Oo, walang shawarma dito! Number 4. Massage parlors. No need to explain...hwehwehwe. Number 5. Cell phones and cell phone service. Hindi pa din naiintindihan ng mga onaks dito ang advantage ng GSM...bobo talaga.

Dudley: Well, para sa kanila CDMA is the best. Stupid. It’s like comparing the Taj Mahal to a Volkswagen.

Goyle: EEDEEYOTS!!! Where was I...number 6. Sense of humor. You can tell green jokes without fear of being sued for sexual harassment.

Snape: Ay, hindi puede yan...

Dudley: I beg to disagree...mababaw ang sense of humor ng Pinoy. Batuk-batukan mo lang ang isang tao, they call it comedy.

Goyle: Eh, sa yan ang gusto ko eh. Based on my own experience. Eh, baboy talaga ako mag-joke. Hwehwehwe. Baboy ka man magdeliver ng joke, green joke yun sa atin, hindi yun sexual harrasment (again a subject of contention). Pero, in general, I think mas malawak ang pag-iintindi ng Pinoy. OK, number 7. Mahirap man tanggapin, the wide range of choices for public transportation, kahit mabagal.

Dudley: ‘Nuff said.

(Violent objections from Snape)

Hermiehoney: O, kanya kanyang opinyon yan, ha.

Dudley: Cyril, if you live in the States wala kang jeep, wala kang trike, lalakad ka ng malayong malayo.

Goyle: Kung maglalakad ako dito, masyadong malayo! Tsaka, kahit matagal ang biyahe sa jeep, nakakatulog naman ako.

Dudley: Sobrang mahal pati ng gas sa US. San ka pa?

Goyle: Dito, kahit pagod ako, dahil kailangang maka-uwi, kailangan magmaneho. Ang gas prices ngayon dito, yung basic na unleaded, average is about US$1.25/gallon. Figure it out...mahal talaga. And speaking of mura: number 8. Cigarette prices. *&^%! Isang kaha ng yosi dito, $4!! And number 9: Parties. Putc*a, party dito, pag puti, usually pika-pika lang.

Nagugulat sila pag Pinoy, madaming handa.

Dudley: Masarap kumain ang Pinoy, e.

Goyle: Number 10 ko, camping. *&^%$ camping dito...akala ko, OK.

Roughing it out daw. Tapos, when my gf and I got to the camp, naka-RV ang mga hinayupak na Kano; may barbecue grill pa sa pick-up trucks nila!

Walang hiking involved to get to the campsite...pupunta pa ako sa upstate New York para lang makapunta sa mga lugar na ganon, bear country pa!

Dudley: Hindi sila sanay sa hirap..., ang Pinoy sanay sa hirap. Mag-brown out man ng 10 oras e, walang gulo na nangyayari. Pag nangyari sa States yun may mga looting, etc na.

Goyle: Ayun OK na ako sa list. Naka-10 na ako. Ay, one last...inggit nga pala ang mga puti sa mga Asians.

Dudley: Bakit?

Goyle: Mas maganda daw in general ang Asians. Pati gf ko, insecure pag nakakakita ng Asians, lalo na sa Pinay, Chinese and Japanese women.

(A long discussion on the merits of Asian women commences between the two.)

And the final word on it:

Dudley: Ang Pinay talaga magaganda.

Hermiehoney: (Naturellement!)

Goyle: Flanga nitch nitch!

Dudley: SAN KA PA?!?!!