Get rid of that emotional baggage
October 15, 2005 | 12:00am
Ever since I can remember, my friend Marijo has always been bitter about life. I cannot understand why because she and her two other siblings grew up surrounded by opulence, having been raised by a rich old maid aunt who loved Louis XIV gilded furniture, luxurious brocade curtains, silk Oriental carpets, and Ming Dynasty jars and vases. Whether they were real antiques or reproductions, it did not matter to my untrained eye. As a schoolgirl who only saw Versailles and other palaces in history books and movies, Marijo’s palatial home to me was the ultimate in elegance and reeked of wealth. But all that glitters is not gold and soon, I would realize that all the pomp and grandeur that surrounded her could not buy her happiness. She tried to buy my friendship by treating me to all of my heart’s desires. At that time, the way to my heart was through my taste buds and after enjoying a few strawberry sundaes at her expense, Marijo soon became my dear friend. I hate to admit how cheap my friendship cost her, but it was more than those calorie-filled sundaes that drew me to her.
We all have that innate need to feel appreciated and loved by a family member, a friend, a lover, or a husband. Marijo made me feel like I was her priceless treasure and she needed to be with me. I felt good to be appreciated in that manner, but eventually, it became very tiring for me. Her need for love and attention was the result of a very unhappy childhood. When she was six years old, her parents separated. She and her siblings were tossed around between mother and father. Some weeks they were with their mom, some weeks with Daddy who chased every pair of legs under a skirt in full view of his children. Soon, both parents were remarried and neither one of them wanted the children. The separation was fought out in court and both parents agreed that custody of the children would be given to the old maid sister of the father who was literally wallowing in wealth. Heartbroken by the court’s decision, the 10-year-old Marijo grew up without parental love. She learned to love her aunt who was kind to her and her siblings but who had no time to give them the tender loving care that children craved as she was so busy with her sugar business. In short, they grew up with their yayas. Many Christmases and birthdays were spent alone, summer vacations were spent in trips abroad, alone with her siblings and a yaya. Never-ending stories of heartrending loneliness filled our conversations. Her true confessions during our private moments made me feel like a psychiatrist/confidante/mother confessor all rolled into one. All we needed was a couch for her and a desk for me. It would have been the perfect scenario for such a session. But the problem was, during each session, her stories tore my heart that I would end up sobbing louder than she did. I thought I gave her the best advice I could muster but guess what? Words were just empty words to her. No matter how many hours I spent talking with her and reassuring her that life was not all that bad, the scars were deeply imbedded and irreversible. Life gave her a raw deal, end of story.
The emotional baggage that Marijo carried all throughout her adulthood was so heavy that she could not get rid of it. She has not forgiven her parents for giving her such a rotten childhood, and to the point of sounding like a broken record, all her adult relationships had to go through her childhood angst vicariously. Her bitterness dominated her life, her conversations, her relationships with the opposite sex. The term "emotional baggage is used to describe unresolved issues we bring from the past into our current relationships – at work, with friends or in our romantic lives" says Dr. Kit Ng, director and psychologist at Camden Medical Center. "As to why it is called baggage, unless we deal with it, it can weigh us down and keep us from pursuing robust connections with other people. Unless negative emotions like insecurity and mistrust are dealt with, they will keep coming out. "
A person carrying such a baggage should seek help and go through a healing process that may take years and years. But it is worth a try, if only to change your life from negative to positive. Here are some ways and suggestions from Dr. Ng.
• Dare to ask yourself some hard questions. "Is this what I deserve in life? Am I pushing people away? What kind of friends do I attract? " If you feel unhappy, depressed and lonely, facing the reality of your feelings is the first step. It’s like having the flu. Once you realize you have it, you work on getting better.
• Find a devil’s advocate. Relate to someone you trust who will tell you the blunt truth and tell you what you don’t what to hear. Rina’a friend gave her the wake-up call she needed. After she sabotaged a relationship with a man who sincerely loved her, her friend told her, "Stop pushing people away just because your ex fiancé cheated on you. Not every man is a cheat!" That made her think twice and reformed her ways. She is now in a loving, happy relationship.
• Tap into your spirituality. Don’t worry if you don’t believe in organized religion. Everyone has some form of religion. It doesn’t have to be something you do on a weekly basis. In dealing with your spirituality, try this: Write down your feelings in a journal. Let everything out, no holds barred. You will be surprised at what you have buried inside yourself all these years. When you read what you have written down about your feelings in black and white, you will start to understand why you react the way you do and allow yourself to change. Dr. Ng also suggests writing down affirmative statements as an effective way to deal with negative emotions.
• Buddy up with friends who can help you. There are friends with positive goals and who can help you realize the dreams that your emotional baggage may have kept you from aspiring for. Seek these friends out and share your aspirations with them. Chances are, one of them can help you achieve them. It’s like jogging or enrolling in a gym. You find someone with similar positive goals so get together with her to accomplish them.
• Get shelf help. Reading as self evaluation is one of the easiest, most powerful ways to get rid of emotional baggage. Books like Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie, and Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield are recommended.
• Seek professional help. If your baggage has kept you deep in the rut that you are in to the point that it is affecting your relationships, work, and daily life, a reputable therapist can help you exorcise the demons from your past, so to speak. A good therapist can help clean the human spirit and put something healthy in its place.
You may be lugging emotional baggage if: a) you are unable to get along with people; b) you have a problem with figures of authority; c) you can’t set your boundaries with people; d) you can’t say no; e) you are a perfectionist.
I know that it is not too late for Marijo to seek professional help if she is willing. Even if she is deeply scarred by the pain of her lonely childhood, there is always hope for her to be happy if she wants to change her outlook on life. Subconsciously, Marijo is always in my thoughts because of the closeness we had in the past. Through this article, I would like to reach out to her and people like her who grew up with dysfunctional parents. As for me, I don’t fail to give thanks every day for the loving parents and supportive family that I have. In any case, give thanks for life is wonderful and full of blessings.
We all have that innate need to feel appreciated and loved by a family member, a friend, a lover, or a husband. Marijo made me feel like I was her priceless treasure and she needed to be with me. I felt good to be appreciated in that manner, but eventually, it became very tiring for me. Her need for love and attention was the result of a very unhappy childhood. When she was six years old, her parents separated. She and her siblings were tossed around between mother and father. Some weeks they were with their mom, some weeks with Daddy who chased every pair of legs under a skirt in full view of his children. Soon, both parents were remarried and neither one of them wanted the children. The separation was fought out in court and both parents agreed that custody of the children would be given to the old maid sister of the father who was literally wallowing in wealth. Heartbroken by the court’s decision, the 10-year-old Marijo grew up without parental love. She learned to love her aunt who was kind to her and her siblings but who had no time to give them the tender loving care that children craved as she was so busy with her sugar business. In short, they grew up with their yayas. Many Christmases and birthdays were spent alone, summer vacations were spent in trips abroad, alone with her siblings and a yaya. Never-ending stories of heartrending loneliness filled our conversations. Her true confessions during our private moments made me feel like a psychiatrist/confidante/mother confessor all rolled into one. All we needed was a couch for her and a desk for me. It would have been the perfect scenario for such a session. But the problem was, during each session, her stories tore my heart that I would end up sobbing louder than she did. I thought I gave her the best advice I could muster but guess what? Words were just empty words to her. No matter how many hours I spent talking with her and reassuring her that life was not all that bad, the scars were deeply imbedded and irreversible. Life gave her a raw deal, end of story.
The emotional baggage that Marijo carried all throughout her adulthood was so heavy that she could not get rid of it. She has not forgiven her parents for giving her such a rotten childhood, and to the point of sounding like a broken record, all her adult relationships had to go through her childhood angst vicariously. Her bitterness dominated her life, her conversations, her relationships with the opposite sex. The term "emotional baggage is used to describe unresolved issues we bring from the past into our current relationships – at work, with friends or in our romantic lives" says Dr. Kit Ng, director and psychologist at Camden Medical Center. "As to why it is called baggage, unless we deal with it, it can weigh us down and keep us from pursuing robust connections with other people. Unless negative emotions like insecurity and mistrust are dealt with, they will keep coming out. "
A person carrying such a baggage should seek help and go through a healing process that may take years and years. But it is worth a try, if only to change your life from negative to positive. Here are some ways and suggestions from Dr. Ng.
• Dare to ask yourself some hard questions. "Is this what I deserve in life? Am I pushing people away? What kind of friends do I attract? " If you feel unhappy, depressed and lonely, facing the reality of your feelings is the first step. It’s like having the flu. Once you realize you have it, you work on getting better.
• Find a devil’s advocate. Relate to someone you trust who will tell you the blunt truth and tell you what you don’t what to hear. Rina’a friend gave her the wake-up call she needed. After she sabotaged a relationship with a man who sincerely loved her, her friend told her, "Stop pushing people away just because your ex fiancé cheated on you. Not every man is a cheat!" That made her think twice and reformed her ways. She is now in a loving, happy relationship.
• Tap into your spirituality. Don’t worry if you don’t believe in organized religion. Everyone has some form of religion. It doesn’t have to be something you do on a weekly basis. In dealing with your spirituality, try this: Write down your feelings in a journal. Let everything out, no holds barred. You will be surprised at what you have buried inside yourself all these years. When you read what you have written down about your feelings in black and white, you will start to understand why you react the way you do and allow yourself to change. Dr. Ng also suggests writing down affirmative statements as an effective way to deal with negative emotions.
• Buddy up with friends who can help you. There are friends with positive goals and who can help you realize the dreams that your emotional baggage may have kept you from aspiring for. Seek these friends out and share your aspirations with them. Chances are, one of them can help you achieve them. It’s like jogging or enrolling in a gym. You find someone with similar positive goals so get together with her to accomplish them.
• Get shelf help. Reading as self evaluation is one of the easiest, most powerful ways to get rid of emotional baggage. Books like Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie, and Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield are recommended.
• Seek professional help. If your baggage has kept you deep in the rut that you are in to the point that it is affecting your relationships, work, and daily life, a reputable therapist can help you exorcise the demons from your past, so to speak. A good therapist can help clean the human spirit and put something healthy in its place.
You may be lugging emotional baggage if: a) you are unable to get along with people; b) you have a problem with figures of authority; c) you can’t set your boundaries with people; d) you can’t say no; e) you are a perfectionist.
I know that it is not too late for Marijo to seek professional help if she is willing. Even if she is deeply scarred by the pain of her lonely childhood, there is always hope for her to be happy if she wants to change her outlook on life. Subconsciously, Marijo is always in my thoughts because of the closeness we had in the past. Through this article, I would like to reach out to her and people like her who grew up with dysfunctional parents. As for me, I don’t fail to give thanks every day for the loving parents and supportive family that I have. In any case, give thanks for life is wonderful and full of blessings.
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