Stand up for your rights

I was on a search for a willing urologist. Especially since I wanted to explore a topic that many a 14-year-old male-only Catholic schoolboy would not need any help with – aphrodisiacs. We’ve heard many myths about aphrodisiacs and, as a public service to all those with waning flagpoles and formerly lethal weapons out there, we want to know which aphrodisiacs really work and which aphrodisiacs should get the shaft. Truth to tell, I have grown tired of going into our garden and chasing after those Korean bugs. I tell you, it is hard to find any bugs that speak Korean.

Thankfully, I found Dr. Ed Gatchalian, a urologist with a sense of humor. And I imagine that, being a urologist, you do need a sense of humor. 

For security reasons, I thought it best that we conduct the interview in a public restaurant lest he attempt something on me that would require a sense of humor. But having said that, I asked the good doctor — a practicing urologist at the Philippine General Hospital, Manila Doctors Hospital, National Kidney and Transplant Institute and Jose Reyes Hospital and Metro Hospital (apparently, the good doctor has the mutant power of bi-location or replicating asexually) — if he was willing to give me a free check-up. 

“Sure. If you want to lower your pants now.” Dr. Gatchalian then laughed (the first of many laughs.)

I grinned until you could see the coffee stains on my teeth. “Not without a couple of drinks first, doc.”

How’s the weather down there?

PHILIPPINE STAR: I have always been curious about the hazards of a urologist’s profession. To put it rather bluntly, you have seen many penises in your lifetime. Has the idea that you have seen hundreds of penises kept you up at night (for the wrong reasons, of course)? Has it caused any lingering trauma? Has it required extensive therapy?

DR. ED GATCHALIAN: (Laughs, because being a urologist requires a sense of humor) No, no it doesn’t! Sometimes you feel good about it, sometimes it makes you feel insecure. (Laughs again. See? I told you)

Whew. I’m glad that I haven’t visited your clinic yet, doc. I wouldn’t want to contribute to any of your insecurities. And is it merely an urban myth or are there really female urologists out there? 

There are not too many of them, but there are at least 10 of them running around.

What are they running away from, doc?

Poking their fingers in the rectums of men. That’s called a rectal exam, by the way.

That’s a comforting thought. Doc, I’m a bit confused. When I was looking for an authority on the subject of aphrodisiacs, I was told to look for a urologist. What is it exactly about urologists that make you experts on aphrodisiacs? Is it because you are the (ahem) friskiest set of doctors around? And do you have the videos to prove it? Or is there something about your appearance that will get me in the mood? Because if that’s so, then I’m buying the first round of drinks. For myself.

It is because we are the medical persons that deal with sex. Anything that has to do with erections or sexual matters — they all get referred to urologists. You can ask a general practitioner or a cardiologist or a neurologist, but they will most probably not be comfortable about these topics.

Are you sure that a neurologist wouldn’t be comfortable talking about these things? Because men always have sex in the brain.

And, in our profession, we also work with the penis.

I hope the penis is easy to work with.

Think of it this way: we are the counterparts of gynecologists. We handle the male organ.

I hope you handle them with caution. (I’m sorry, doc, you are just giving me too many openings for one-liners.)

Practice What You Preach

Doc, I’m sure you are familiar with the plethora of aphrodisiac products available in the market. Have you, ahem, “tested” any of these products on yourself? For purely scientific purposes. And do you have any free samples of those products on hand?

Yes, I’ve tried some of them out.  But, before everything else, allow me to explain what an aphrodisiac is. An aphrodisiac is supposed to enhance your sexual desire. Period.

Really? A period doesn’t necessarily enhance my sexual desire.

The word aphrodisiac comes from Aphrodite, who is the Greek goddess of love and sensuality. 

And it does not — as many from my generation inadvertently assumed — come from Aphrodite A from Mazinger Z. (Although we did learn from Aphroidite A what female body parts were detachable.)

The sole purpose of an aphrodisiac is to enhance sexual desire. However, it has nothing to do with erections.

Especially if the latter can be accomplished with plastic straws and some duct tape. Or so I am told. Right, Tito Gary Lising?

But you need an erection so you can perform your duties as a husband. 

If that’s the case, I don’t recommend performing your duties with the use of plastic straws and duct tape. Speaking of duties, why is it when men wake up in the morning, our flagpoles are ready for the national anthem?

The blood flows into the penis when you are asleep, right before you wake up. When you wake up in the morning with an erection, that is a very good sign. It means that the man still has a good erectile process.

I’m glad that my signs still point north in the morning. And sometimes northeast.

In fact, you will have difficulty peeing when you have an erection.

You don’t say?

It (your flagpole) has to come down a bit…

…Or else you risk repainting your bathroom wall.

Those are two things you can never do at the same time: to have sex and to pee.

And even if I could, it is not something that I would like to try.

You can have a very good erection and urinate at the same time. But when you have intercourse, you cannot urinate. You cannot do both.

That’s because men are lousy multi-taskers.

Getting back to our discussion, an aphrodisiac is to enhance your sexual desire. It follows that if you have enhanced sexual desire you have a stronger and longer erection. 

Hmmm, I understand how you can measure a longer erection, but how do you measure a stronger erection? Do you make your erection lift weights?

The erection has to be strong enough to satisfy your partner or to satisfy yourself. You may have a very strong desire and even have the most powerful aphrodisiac in the world, but if there’s a problem with your erection — there goes everything. Although sexual desire and erection go together, you can dissociate both things.

I’m glad that there’s no infighting in my association.

Pump Up The Jam

How exactly does an aphrodisiac work on your system? Or are the workings of an aphrodisiac as inexplicable as our fuel prices?

The aphrodisiac works on the target organ.

Which is what organ?

The penis.

You don’t say? But doesn’t the aphrodisiac have to work its way through the other organs before getting to the target organ?

The end effect of the aphrodisiac is to give you a very good erection so that you can perform better. 

I didn’t know there was such a thing as a very bad erection.

Well, most of these aphrodisiacs act in the brain. They stimulate the brain to enhance the feeling of desire. But, you see, an aphrodisiac does not necessarily have to be a supplement. It can also be—

Inflatable? 

The environment. Or it could be anything that will stimulate your senses.

That makes my laptop’s hard drive a pretty potent aphrodisiac. (Which shall be exorcised shortly – RJ’s wife.)

Many people think that aphrodisiacs are the food that you eat or drink or the tablets that you take. But aphrodisiacs could be anything — like the right ambience, the right movie, the right perfume, the right touch. Anything that stimulates all the senses — that is the aphrodisiac. 

But, doc, aren’t most of those aphrodisiacs merely placebos? Are there actual aphrodisiacs that work? Or are these aphrodisiacs just faking it? It’s very hard for men to fake things, as you may well know doc.

The real lowdown about aphrodisiacs is that most of them have a placebo effect. So if I give you something like gingko biloba or balut or durian or onions, they may or may not have an effect on you because it depends on the mood that you are in. Aphrodisiacs are mood enhancers that change the way you perceive a situation. 

I don’t know — if you gave me some balut and durian and onions, the only thing I would probably be intimate with is my toilet bowl. 

For example, I can give you a strong aphrodisiac like Tongkat Ali, a root crop that is very popular in Malaysia because it is believed to be a very good mood enhancer. But if that person takes Tongkat Ali in a very crowded and noisy environment all, he won’t be in the mood to make love. But if that person takes Tongkat Ali in a quiet environment where there is soft music and low lights and the smell of perfume that arouses him, then that is the aphrodisiac. It’s not just one substance; it’s a conglomeration of the environment, the food and the mood he is in.

So remember, my fellow NGSBs (No Girlfriends Since Birth), you should never take Tongkat Ali in the middle of a noisy wet market unless you specialize in animal husbandry. But, doc, if you take a legitimate aphrodisiac, will it make you instantaneously, ahem, malibog (horny)? Or do I still need to put on some Barry White?

Yes, if you take an aphrodisiac you will become very desirous to engage in a sexual activity — not necessarily intercourse — but a sexual activity that will please you and your partner.

What sexual activity can you engage in that is not necessarily intercourse that will please you and your partner? And will it involve cell phone cameras, small animals or getting arrested?

An aphrodisiac is going to remove all the worries and cares that are bothering you and suddenly relieve all your inhibitions so that all you will be focused on is the romance and love and sex. Now, there are certain foods that are associated with these particular instances. For instance, in the early 1900s, they used to hunt down the rhino because it was believed that the rhino’s horn made you horny. In fact, that’s the reason you call a person “horny” — because if you take rhino horn, then you become “horny.” Many people used to think that because the horn resembles a phallic symbol it possesses special powers. But there is no scientific evidence to prove that.

Well, thank God. I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong end of that aphrodisiac. At least not without a couple of drinks first. 

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