Parenting teen boys

Has that sweet boy who had eyes only for mommy, who promised he would never kiss a girl, turned sullen, withdrawn, almost embarrassed to be seen in public with you, his mom, who would give your life for him?

My son is 19. At 12 years old, he quietly told me not to get out of the car when I picked him up from school and, oh, to park far away. And though this was the same cherub that held my hand tightly during his first day at preschool, and the one who crawled into my bed when he could not sleep, I knew he was changing and I had to respect this.

I keep telling my friends that parenting a teen is harder than parenting an infant. Unlike parenting an infant where you are sleepless and physically fatigued, parenting a teen also leaves you sleepless (until he comes home from that party), but this time, you are also fatigued emotionally and always wondering what he is sensitive about. In time, I just learned not to take it personally, and that made it infinitely easier. It was developmentally normal that he pushed his boundaries constantly. The angst and anger are almost always hormones raging in their bodies.

The golden boy that he was may have given way to unwanted pressure. Luckily, we are about to pass this stage as I feel my son, who already has one foot out of the door, has begun to find his bearings.

It is no surprise that being a boy in today’s society may be more difficult than ever before. The fun and games young boys took part in a mere decade ago have been replaced in some instances with inner conflicts, high expectations, unrelenting teen struggle and, sometimes, violence. William Pollack, co-director of the Center for Men at McLean Hospital/Harvard Medical Center and author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, glimpsed behind the stoic masks of troubled boys. In this best-selling book, he details modern boys as they combat and cope with mixed messages from parents and society, conflicting expectations, and increasing demands. According to Pollack’s research, boys are faring less well than ever before – many have remarkably fragile self-esteem, and the rates of both depression and suicide among teen boys are at an alarmingly high rate.

Trends have changed. Pollack’s book details the generations-old theory that is passed on to boys, who are told to be rough and tough, not shed tears or show emotion. While we’ve heard similar negative responses to those stereotypical statements for several decades, Pollack takes his theories to new levels and makes an impressive assault on the popular myths surrounding the conventional definition of masculinity.

He debunks stereotypical masculinity by telling parents not to discourage their boys from crying, getting emotional or expressing that emotions are for "sissies." In a recent interview Pollack explained, "If moms don’t realize it, boys’ outer toughness often is for hiding trouble."

Dr. Jonathan A. Slater, director of pediatric psychiatry and the Consultation-Liaison Service at Children’s Hospital in New York, says, "There’s nothing wrong with sensitivity in boys and men. Actually, it is an advantage because sensitivity allows vigilance to one’s environment and improved perception, which can help people see things more clearly and plan better. It can also enhance relationships he will have in the present and in the future."

Parents should also avoid shielding a sensitive boy and instead expose him gradually to situations where he is stressed, even if he resists. This way, the child’s coping skills have a chance to improve.

Action Talk

Adolescent girls often come to their parents with problems. But boys often differ in their approach. Generally, they become moody and uncooperative in their dealings with their parents.

Boys typically brew about a problem silently. Grades may take a turn for the worse, attitudes become more negative, and violence may result. But Pollack offers parents some new and constructive advice for drawing out boys’ dilemmas and helping them toward a happier and non-violent path. He calls it "action talk."

During action talk, a boy’s hands are engaged in an activity. Action talk is equivalent to parents sitting down and completing a task or undertaking a project with their teen boy. Fishing, drawing, maybe shooting some basketball – any hands-on task that interests the boy will work. The point is that while the adolescent’s hands are engaged in a project, it is easier for him to open up and answer questions – questions that can lead to parents’ understanding of what’s going on in their boy’s life. Through action talk, boys are more free to open up about feelings or what’s troubling them.

"Young adolescents – especially boys – do not have much experience talking about feelings," says Steinberg. He says they may feel down but not know why, or be unable to verbalize their feelings, making action talk a good way to getting boys to open up and learn to verbalize.

Give Them Space – And Love

Finally, Pollack recommends that parents give space to their adolescent sons. Sometimes, this is a necessary part of helping them to help themselves. So parents, don’t freak out when his door is locked or when he spends all day by himself in his room.

"Closing the door to their room allows teens to relax," says Steinberg. "They can indulge in heroic fantasies, or surround themselves with old familiar possessions of childhood without letting others know they are not as grown-up as they pretend to be," said Pollack.

When I catch him in a talking mood, I make sure to listen to my son and not judge. I make an effort to get to know his friends, invite them over, make our home the tambayan so I won’t worry about where he is. Today, as he hovers near full adulthood, I treasure what could be our final bonding time when he drives me to the bus station where we talk about "stuff" while waiting for the bus. My greatest satisfaction is that I raised him hands-on and I tried to equip him with everything I know so he can spread his wings but have a soft place to land when he needs to.

So don’t give up on your young teen/’tween boy. Find out what he likes to do and encourage him to find his confidence.

"Involve your child in experiences like sports or martial arts during his ’tween years (ages 9-12), where he can learn to harness his sensitivity without it compromising function of performance," Dr. Slater says. "This type of activity boosts a boy’s confidence, assertiveness and self-esteem as well as teaches self-defense skills and coping skills for situations in school and in life."

* * *

E-mail the author at mrcuenca@yahoo.com.