'Sumpa Man, Bat-Man, Peksman!'

SINGAPORE — As I was about to drown in the tsunami of “Happy Father’s Day” greetings last Sunday, somebody was still able to squeeze in to ask me something that seemed to be an issue for him. Well, pwedeng i-pardon dahil may konting connection naman sa celebration. He wanted my opinion as to what we should rightly call our beloved country — Fatherland or Motherland?

Anak ng football! Wala yata ako sa roll call nung ituro ‘yun sa Iskul Bukol ah! But seriously, although I knew that a final answer would be reached by simply applying its Tagalog title of Inang Bayan and end his predicament, I still tried to give my personal, honest and fair reply — I gave him a complete picture: “The Philippines is our Motherland. Spain is our Fatherland. Spain f---ed our Mother!” 

* * *

Our dear Motherland will soon have her 15th President; the sixth for my Mothershow, Eat, Bulaga!. He will be officially sworn in on June 30, a Wednesday, a Wow, Mali! day? Ngek!

Yeheyyy, susumpa na si Batman! Holy smoke! (that’s his favorite) Bakit, hindi ba? O, tingnan n’yo — B-enigno, A-quino, T-hird — BAT!

So from now on, our new “briefed” (or is it boxers?) crusaders will be known as BAT-MAN and ROBINAY! Jarannn! To the BAT-asan! No, to the TIMES Cave!

Ayos, meron pa tayong Joker sa Senate. Masaya.

* * *

Now, going back to panunumpa — it’s simply the swearing in or oath-taking of an incoming official for his or her new position. It could also mean a vow or covenant between two individuals — usually lovers.

But for a gay friend of mine, ito lang ang nasabi ng bruha, “Hus, wala ‘yan! Panunumpa? Pareho lang ‘yan ng ginagawa naming mga bading eh!”

Nabastusan ako. “Gaga,” I said, “Iba ‘yun!”

“Aba hindi,” as he continued to explain, “tingnan mo ang ating fist o kamao — Ito ay simbolo ng ating heart o puso. When we swear using our right hand, we spread our fingers; the palm facing the people and witnesses. Ano ibig sabihin n’yan? It means that you are swearing with the innermost part of your heart!”

Suddenly, I was full of admiration for my gay friend. Then he floored me with what he said next, “Kaya ‘yang ginagawa naming mga bading na ‘panunumpa’ ay ganun din. Mas serious pa nga kami kasi we do it with our eyes closed eh. We also use hearts and palms. Trulili bakla, we always have that HEART not to forget to put ‘bread’ on the PALMS of the boys!”

Mismo!

* * *

A young lady reporter approached a priest in his office one day and asked, “Father, ‘wag po kayong magagalit, pero meron ho bang ‘priest release?’ You know, kasi you’re still a man. I mean... naiintindihan n’yo po ba ang ibig kong sabihin?”

The priest smiled and whispered, “You mean... masturbation?”

The feisty but shy-looking lady reporter was relieved and delighted because she was able to get her question across without mentioning the scandalous word, “Yes Father, that’s right!”

Then the priest said, “Hija, please...”

The now confident journalist pressed, “But Father, all you have to do is to answer me yes or no.”

“Hija please,” the priest once again pleaded.

The lady reporter was stubbornly persistent, “Okay Father, it’s going to be just between us... promise! It’s off the record!”

And with a little quiver in his voice, the priest squeezed,

“Please ...”

The lady now with a little feeling of displeasure snapped back, “Please what?”

The priest immediately answered, “Please release me!”

Ngek! Engelbert Humperdinck? No, it’s Engeldinck Humpervert!

* * *

Peksman is a different animal. It is more of an informal dare to a person bringing the news. No Bible needed. No blood compact. No signing of contracts and no raising of the right hand. Only little movements of the fingers. It is simply a combination of challenge and threat that “liars go to hell.”

Sometimes, the “peks-maker” even makes a quick two-stroke sign of the cross on his or her chest using the fingers while saying, “Peksman?” — to mean “Kasalanan man?” If the dared person agrees, he will repeat the same to signal his acceptance of the “deal.”

“Peksman” has also been used by some desperate lovers to impress and make his ladylove believe that his intentions for her are true. Naniniwala naman ‘yung ibang gaga. 

PECS or PEKS is from a nicked Spanish word for sin — pecado.

* * *

ROMANTIKIM, este romantic men used to call it a “blackbook” — a journal wherein they keep their affairs, miss-chievous adventures and sexual scores. Times have changed. They now call it a PEKSBOOK.

A sinbook, stupid! Madumi talaga isip n’yo! 

According to my gay friend, they call theirs DICK-TIONARY.

Ngek!

***

By the way, the missing word in my opening story is “forced.”