Traveling through Tinder
MANILA, Philippines - Anyone who has traveled outside Manila knows of the itch that sets in upon returning — all the norms you ought to resume following when you know very well that this is definitely not the only way of life that exists. Getting to witness how much bigger the world is and the infinite permutations there are for being human is both a huge blessing and an ache that may follow you (and your bank account) for the rest of your life. Fortunately, even when you have no choice but to brew in cabin fever, today’s Manila crowd offers enough variety to give you a break every now and then from that social and cultural claustrophobia.
I don’t regularly move around tourist and expat circles, so this is merely something I stumbled upon very recently when I decided to try the online dating app, Tinder. For the most part, I ended up with matches who weren’t locals — or as they are now popularly called, AFAMs (A Foreigner Around Manila). This could be due to the filters of my own taste, my wish for something different, or how many upstanding Filipinos still think participating in online dating makes you desperate (I believe every race has its own unique brand of desperation. Ours is desperately trying to not look desperate).
In any case, I found myself talking to expats who were trying to break out of the expat bubble, and wide-eyed tourists who, reasonably enough, wanted to include meeting and dating locals in their itinerary. As far as I was concerned, if they were decent, fun to talk to, and didn’t look like they flew halfway around the world just because they couldn’t get dates in their country, I didn’t see any reason not to oblige. It felt good to know that I could come across a wide variety of people at the touch of a button. I’ve always believed that apart from seeing other places, people themselves are a world of their own. Here are a few things to keep in mind when venturing out in this manner.
Standard safety procedures apply. Meet in a safe, public place. Don’t fall for any excuses along the lines of, “Let’s just get something at my hotel.” Watch your drink. Listen to your gut, and only do what you’re comfortable with. You know the drill.
The “Café Havana” tourist mindset does exist. How do you go about proving that you’re not beholden to dollars or aren’t one of the many exploited women of our sex trade? You don’t. ‘Cause you’re not. Creepy encounters with the lecherous kind are what the “Unmatch” button is for.
People might give you looks. What Marivi Soliven-Blanco spelled out in her novel, The Mango Bride, is true. Whenever Filipinos see a Filipina with a foreigner, they will automatically try to decipher whether you’re more of the “whore” or the “legit” kind. This is part of the aforementioned cultural claustrophobia. We’re already hopelessly cliquish, and the minute you hang out with someone different, you will be greeted with a barrage of assumptions. It’s true that we live in a highly judgmental society. It is also true that life is short, and the people who judge usually look like they have more cause to be selling their dignity than you do, anyway.
Don’t write all the AFAMs off. It’s a tragedy that the shadiness of some is quickly translated to how we view the majority. Surprisingly (or perhaps just because we’ve been assuming the worst), the decent guys far outnumbered the dicks in my Tinder experience so far — whether Filipino, tourist, or expat. I would say they range from having at least basic levels of respect to actually being considerate (or maybe that was their style?). Don’t believe everything that your conservative tita — who hasn’t tried any of the things she warns you about — says. It’s always better to see for yourself.
Don’t set your expectations too high, either. Tinder isn’t much different from dating and meeting people in real life. You may have to go through a mountain of “nopes” before you find someone you’d be willing to spend even just a few hours of your precious time with. But isn’t that the way it already is in the flesh, anyway? Appreciate instead that you can now conveniently carry out much of the selection process on your phone.
Have fun. While nothing can replace actually hopping on a plane, meeting interesting and different people has its own way of expanding your borders and making your bubble grow a little bit larger. To be infected with the vibrancy of someone who is traveling through your country for the first time. To find yourself flustered by how forward men from other countries can be. To find a shared wavelength despite your different backgrounds. And basically just know that you’re constantly communing with as much of the world as you can, whether you’re home or far away. And the next time I do hop on a plane, I definitely will be taking the app with me.
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