Bishops battle the beast?

The column you are about to read is a news parody. Its stories are not fact-checked. Its author is not a journalist. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

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The Catholic Church has been making headlines this week with their latest shot at relevance: denying pro-reproductive health lawmakers Holy Communion. The lawmakers are unfazed, though — who cares about unleavened bread when they’ve got pork?

The clergy opposes drives to promote artificial contraception side-by-side with Church-approved natural methods. They are also up-in-arms vs. bills in the House of Representatives that make sex education mandatory in primary schools.

Of course, the goal is to manage the balooning population, especially among the poorest of the poor. With their stance, the Church asserts they are not out-of-touch. In fact, they are totally aware of the realities of poverty, managing their exclusive private schools.

Ultimately, though, this isn’t about sex. What we have are a bunch of clergymen trying to influence public policy. Look at it this way: how would we feel if Muslim leaders made it mandatory for government to serve only halal food? Isn’t this exactly what the Catholic Church is doing, insisting that only natural family planning be taught forever and ever?

Anyway. The Church is, of course, the holiest institution on earth (or so they say). I mean, they’re not totally heartless. They do have a solution to the so-called population crisis. So we have 90 million mouths, and not enough food to go around. The answer: the Church needs two fish, and two loaves of bread. Stat.

GO, GO, GLORIA!

In other news, President Gloria Arroyo has announced another P4-billion worth of subsidies for the poor, including “financial assistance for electricity bills and cash grants for the elderly.”

The only difference between her and Willie Revillame now is that the Lopez family likes Revillame.

The P4 billion, Arroyo says, comes from excess value-added tax (VAT) revenues collected by the government. This means, of course, that the figure was once an eight.

Of the P4 billion, P1 billion will be given to families below the poverty threshold at P500 per family. Plus, if they get the jackpot question right, they get an additional one.... billion... pesoooos!!!

The President is allegedly inspired by Giving, a book by her Georgetown classmate Bill Clinton. If you give you will receive, is the message of Clinton’s book. When asked what she hopes to receive, Arroyo allegedly answered: “1M.”

SMOKE THIS BONG

And speaking of elections, Senator-slash-Captain Barbell, Bong Revilla, announced this week he has intentions of running for Vice President in 2010. That’s right, he is giving the country adequate warning.

So, in celebration of Revilla’s big announcement (which he, by the way, made at a press conference attended by the likes of Lolit Solis), here are five Bong Revilla films you must watch: 1990’s Alyas Pogi: Birador ng Nueva Ecija, 1994’s Walang Matigas na Pulis sa Matinik na Misis, 1995’s Ang Titser kong Pogi, 2002’s Mahal kita: Final Answer!, and of course, the upcoming Ang Maton at Ang Showgirl: Kilabot at Kembot 2.

Those are actual film titles.

OMG, IS THAT YOUR...?

Finally, we segue to fashion-tainment, where the girls and gays are all prepared for next Friday’s Bench runway show, called “Blackout.” The clothing company is expected to go all the way with this production. In fact, when fans were asked what they hope to see at the show, they answered, “Sam of Piolo’s Dingdong!”

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Pepe Don’t Preach is about the issues that are gripping the country. Discuss these at http://supreme.ph