BB Gandanghari regrets 'coming out'; sex change not a priority

MANILA, Philippines  -BB Gandanghari said he is somehow regretting his decision to admit his sexuality to the public.

In 2006, BB confessed on “Pinoy Big Brother” celebrity edition that he was gay. This was after some years of “self exploration” in America, which started in 2002 after the annulment of his marriage with Carmina Villaroel.

“Pagdating ko dito, I was aware na lahat ng umiikot na tsismis dito tungkol do'n,” he said in an interview with Anthony Taberna on “Tapatan Ni Tunying,” Thursday. “So sabi ko para matapos na ang lahat kailangan ko na mag-out sa Pilipinas.

“So 'yon ang tumatakbo sa isip ko nang pumasok ako sa PBB. But I didn't say anything all because I don't want to feel pressured. Baka kasi last minute umayaw ako, e.”

Though he didn't back out,  BB said he regretted the admission.

“After that night, ang laki nang pagsisisi, totoo 'yon,” he said. “Di ko alam kung tama 'yon, kung tama o mali 'yong ginawa ko. Parang gusto ko nang bumalik sa Amerika at magtago ulit. When I came out wala naman akong boyfriend, e, wala akong relasyon, wala.”

Prompted to ask  himself “what makes me gay?” amde him realize that he is “transgender".

A transgender is a person who acts and dresses like the opposite sex, while  a gay person is someone who acts and dresses like their own sex but also attracted to their own sex.

Though many were surprised with his revelation, BB said  “hindi naman ako nag-out para tanggapin ng tao. Nag-out ako para magpakilala sa tao.”

The Hardest Part

BB knew  that the public will have a hard time accepting his revelation, but what made his coming out  more difficult  is the alienation from his family.

His sexuality was not easily accepted by his family, especially his brother Robin Padilla. 

“I just tell myself na siguro kailangan ko ng pasensya,” he said about his family's first reaction. “Kasi ako mismo sa sarili ko, nahirapan akong tanggapin ang sarili ko, e. It took a while, ibang tao pa? Especially pamilya pa.

“Of course mayro'n silang attachment kay Rustom [his former name], may mga expectations kay Rustom, and in fairness kay Rustom he was a good brother, he was a good son. Nakaka-miss din naman, pero sabi ko nga, I'm better.”

Now that all is well with his whole family, BB is happy to see their effort, Robin particularly, to understand the changes in his life.

“Although hindi pa siguro buong-buo, nakikita ko 'yong willingness to know me better, to understand me. Alam mo 'yon? 'Yong understanding, 'yon basically 'yong wino-workout. Ang pag-a-out naman kasi is not a Cinderella finish na happily ever after. So continuing 'yong challenges, discrimination, mayro'n pa,” he said.

Meanwhile, BB says undergoing sex change is not his priority.

“'Yong physicality is just secondary,” he says. “What's really important is what I feel inside and how I express myself. Now if one day dadating ako sa punto na I will decide, I will go all the way, who knows? But as of now it's not my priority.”

Although it has been years since he came out, BB says he hasn't been in a relationship. The very first gay relationship he had was in 2002 when he was in America, which “opened a Pandora's box, as far as my sexuality is concerned,” he said.

Of course just like everybody, he hopes to end up with someone and have a family. He said that besides acceptance, what he wants most  is “to love and be loved in return.”