Age matters

Hi Marc,

When I first saw this guy, I felt something different for him. I discovered that I was falling for him. I’m 21 and he’s 17. We see each other often but we don’t exchange words. What must I do so that we can become friends?

Gurl Dreamer

Well Gurl Dreamer, your head surely does seem to be up in the clouds at the moment. You have a couple of problems facing you regarding this guy, and the age difference is the least of them. On reading the first couple of lines of your letter, I thought this might be a simple problem of justifying falling for someone younger than yourself, but having progressed to the rest of your problem, I can now see there’s a lot more to be concerned about. Namely how you can possibly fall in love with someone that you don’t even talk to!

You should be a lot more careful how you throw around the term love, as it’s not something to be taken lightly. You say you’re falling for this guy but from the sound of it you probably know more about your local sari-sari store vendor than you do about him. You’ve probably had a longer conversation with a taxi driver than you have with this guy and yet you feel you know him well enough to be falling in love? I hate to burst your bubble, but it might be time to wake up from the dream and face a few cold hard facts.

First, realize that what you have at the moment is lust, or maybe a crush on this guy. What is it about him that attracts you? It can’t be his personality because you don’t know what it is yet (it helps if you actually speak to someone if you want to know what kind of person he is). Oh sure, you can ask mutual friends what he’s like, but just because they say he’s a nice person or whatever doesn’t mean that the two of you will gel on a personal level. I know heaps of nice people, but that doesn’t mean I go around falling in love with them all. So the odds are that you’re attracted to him because of his looks. Great! No harm or disgrace in that at all! You just have to realize that falling in love requires a lot more than just physical attraction. If it didn’t then guys would be falling in love with different girls every night they went out (especially around Greenbelt). Although the jewelers may like that kind of situation, I’m sure the marriage counselors and annulment lawyers would appreciate it even more. Bad idea.

OK, once you’ve backpedaled a bit and realized that what you have for this guy is just attraction, then you can start concentrating on getting to know him a bit better. Of course, this will be dependent on a little thing called conversation. Conversation is much like the tango (or a fun game of adult twister) in so far as it takes two people in order for it to be of much use or fun. Monologues to yourself may be fun in your head, but do it out loud and you may as well audition for Edward Norton’s role in Fight Club or check yourself into a loony bin. In other words, talk to the guy!

He may be shy, but part of the reason is probably because he’s a little intimidated by you. Remember, you’re the older girl here. While it’s pretty normal for an older guy to like a younger girl (familiar territory on my part), it’s not nearly as common for the reverse situation. Guys in their teens generally find it hard to believe that an older girl could possibly be interested in them, so he’s probably a bit confused. The only way you can really put him at ease is to just keep trying, but don’t make it too obvious. Just chat to him casually without making it obvious that you like him in a romantic way, much like you would to a friend. It’s actually a good idea to become friends first before trying to harpoon him with cupid’s arrow and wrench him into your life. Find common interests to talk about and he’ll relax more when he’s talking about topics he has an opinion or knowledge about (I’m assuming he’s a mature 17 year old and has progressed past the Cartoon Network interest level).

Once you’ve gotten to know him a bit better, you can really judge whether or not you like him beyond the physical attraction. Of course, even if you do find that you like him even more, that doesn’t mean those feelings are going to be a two-way street. If he starts calling you ate or ends all of his sentences to you with po, then it doesn’t bode well for a romantic relationship (unless it’s part of some warped role-playing fantasy he has… let’s just hope not, shall we?). Just because you like someone doesn’t automatically mean that they have to like you back. It may hurt, but life wasn’t always meant to be fair.

However, if by chance things do work out and you find that you both get on and are legitimately interested in each other, then just make sure that you both realize that there might be a few problems regarding your age difference. Four years is not a lot, but because society finds it unusual for a girl to date a younger guy, you may encounter some comments and teasing from people. The term cradle snatcher springs to mind. Not only that, but you’ll have to make adjustments for each other as you are both at different stages of your lives. He has just finished high school and entering college as a freshman, and you are probably going into the workforce. You’ll have to put up with his curfews and homework, and he’ll have to deal with you earning an independent income while he still relies on pocket money. He may not be able or allowed to go out when you want or be with you all the time, etc. There’s also the family factor. Would there be any objection from either his or your family regarding the age and lifestyle difference? His parents may feel strange that he’s dating someone well into adulthood already, and yours may object to you dating someone not old enough to work and earn a living yet. I’m not saying that all of this would definitely happen, but it’s good to be aware of the possibility.

Of course, before it even gets to the stage where you need to start worrying about any of that, you first need to get to know him. I think you were correct in your first impression that what you feel for him is just an appreciation. Admittedly you may appreciate his looks a whole lot more than you have for others, but it is essentially still that. Get to know the guy on a friendly basis first and see what happens, but be brutally honest with yourself and don’t force yourself to like him just because you think he’s cute. A good indicator is to ask yourself if you would like his personality as much if he wasn’t attractive. If not, then maybe you can end up being buddies and he really can treat you as an Ate, or maybe just a friend. Who knows? A few years of friendship may turn into something a lot more solid than what you think you have now.

Marc

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