What you gonna do when they come for you?

MANILA, Philippines - I knew you were trouble when you walked in...” While presumptuous, this is a confident, seemingly invincible mantra that’s exclusive only to Taylor Swift and the harbingers of pop music. Lucky Taylor. Because as per this month, Susan Miller has kept my hopes up: “If you do meet someone new, this person will be what you always look for in love — someone exciting and adventuresome, with a strong sense of humor.” Really, it’s like throwing a dog a bone.

But the wistful feelings erode eventually, once tasked to elaborate on the subject of bad boys. For this, a consultation was required — my friend who will go by the name APC, whose collaboration was integral to this article, was game enough to pull out evidence via screenshots, real-life social media correspondence.

A little discernment goes a long way today, because there are more layers to peel and we girls are still wired the same — we still have a taste for those who we think we can reform. You already know what the bad boy types are like, in general. There are the Ryan Atwood types, who will throw punches to defend your honor. There are the Don Drapers, unfaithful yet unfailingly appealing. But it’s more atypical now, in the land of instant messaging and space camps thrown on Thursday nights.

For a cross-examination, cases in point, two somebodies that I used to know: one almost went to jail once in a foreign country for public debauchery, and the other was into arson (and almost burned a building down) when he was younger. But they aren’t trouble, trouble, trouble — on the contrary, they’re pretty good guys. What you watch out for are the Adams (as in from Girls) — charming and intellectual, but disrespectful at the core. Because it isn’t about being necessarily bad or individual “bad” acts these days, but what’s bad for you. Here’s to spotting not the naughty, but the “for naught.”

The rebel with a cause

As Lana Del Rey sang, it was like James Dean, for sure. This is the closest to the previous bad boy archetypes. Brooding, and misunderstood with a back story. Translation: please take care of me. And you will want to. Be careful of the darkness, or you might get sucked into a black hole.

The former fattie

Classic ugly duckling story. Not all of these Cobs metamorphose equally, and some end up with the tendency to overcompensate. The underdog residue sometimes translates to less self-effacing, more arrogant behavior; and so he, with his expen$ive taste and eight-pack abs, rolls with the homies like he will literally roll over them. That may or may not include you.

The (apparently) attached

If you’re not privy to “research” — Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn (if you wanna go there) — then this can be a scenario for you. These are guys you keep running into (alone), and converse with (alone), but when your friends catch on (and they will), at some point you’ll be told that he is, after all, not alone. The attached guys, because of their, er, attachments, are self-assured and don’t try so hard. That’s why you end up gushing about them until:

“Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”

“OH.”

This is as much ignorance on your part as it is omission on theirs. Only truly harmful if you don’t mind your distance. An aside: a subcategory of The Attached are the Proud Baby Daddies: single fathers who like to send feelers via BBM, WhatsApp etc. by way of using a photo of their adorable kid as their profile pictures. Cute, but devoted as they are, they are dads. Don’t forget.

The club VIP

Beware of this swaggy bro and his open tab. These establishment owners, patrons (see also: DJs) can and will attend to your liquor needs — a bottle-feeding program, as my friend puts it. Side effects include: insobriety, clouded judgment, and nights that drag along like a Spring Breakers montage. A shot not through your heart but your artery. Never let them see you empty-handed, for if it’s a night of trouble you seek, a night of trouble you shall find.

The total bore

These are guys who are — let’s put it this way — slow burners. They aren’t immediate catches. In a way, you already sensed that you weren’t compatible in the first place, but you try anyway because maybe you’d be able to unearth a compelling interest or hobby. Maybe he secretly writes fan-fic? Who knows. What’s there to lose right? Nothing at first. Then they screw you over, and you wished you spent your time wisely. Like on fitness. Or gardening.