Dear Delilah

If only dishing out advice was really that easy. Philip Galanes’ “Social Q’s” is one of my favorite columns in the New York Times. It gives advice on the greasier conundrums on modern life. So much so, I almost regretted not having Facebook (save for his advice), when Bea Ledesma sent me a message around midnight “Philip Galanes accepted me as a friend on Facebook.” I told her he was just being gracious.

An example of his genius, from the NYT “Style” section:

“Question: A friend of mine is obsessed with Twitter; her number of daily tweets is out of control: she posts every item she eats (down to the ingredients) and every place she visits (Foursquare!). The worst part is that she acts as if she’s something of a celebrity in the Twitter-sphere. I’ve stopped following her feed to eliminate the annoyance, but I want to be honest. Is there a gracious way to tell her that no one cares about her hemp and spirulina smoothies?”

“Answer: It’s an epidemic, all right. But your pal’s posts about her New Age milkshakes are just a symptom. Think about it: Our parents paid more attention to us than theirs did to them. It was supposed to make us feel better about ourselves, but resulted in a flood of ‘poor me’ memoirs instead. And the parents who followed ours pay even closer attention to their little angels — creating a tsunami of Facebook updates and Twitter feeds.

“Turns out, Liza Minnelli wasn’t the only kid hungry for a stage.

“Don’t make a fuss about your pal’s tweets. You’re not really concerned with her best interests. (Sounds as if you just want to take her down a peg.) And you’ve already found an easy way to deal with her annoying posts, right? So try to sympathize with her instead — because most of the civilized world seems to share her affliction.

“If you must weigh in, make it an observation about the culture. Try: ‘You know, it’s hard to miss people when they refuse to go away.’

Ice cream for the soul.

Giving advice is an art, a gift and a mofo of a burden. Knowing where your place is, whether to put frosting or gasoline on your words for whatever pearls of wisdom you may lubricate into their confused states and, most importantly, when to shut up.

Advice is very different from opinion. A lot of people who have given me advice throughout the years have either been surprisingly sage, self-serving or simply narcissistic. I totally hate those “What I would do...” openers. News flash: I don’t want to be you.

I never ask my boyfriend if I look fat in an outfit only because he probably didn’t notice my bloated belly and now he will. I never ask friends for third-level relationship advice because there are some things meant for just you and the boyfriend. You don’t want them hating him (and eventually you) when you decide to go the distance. You don’t ever ask your mother if you look nice in a Rodarte dress. She won’t get it. 

People dishing out advice can get a little full of themselves, encouraging that charming feeling of superiority that may add a problem to your problem. So here’s the best advice I’ve gotten over the last pertinent five years of my life (and from whom) with some of my Naomi Campbell rough diamonds snuck in:

1. When a couple you’re friendly with intimate to you their interior problems, the most caring and disaster-free thing to say is, “Don’t separate.” (From Mom)

2. Don’t ever tell a teenager to lose weight. (From me)

3. When you find yourself complaining about a boyfriend or husband, just get a job. (Wendy Puyat, BFF)

4. Don’t go to an obligatory event of a person who you don’t really like. (Chut Cuerva, BFF)

5. When peeling an onion everyone cries. Don’t be too hard on yourself. (Me)

6. Smile with your eyes. (Jun de Leon, photographer)

7. Read the classics. (Grandfather)

8. Always renew your visa three months before it expires. You won’t look dubious. (Dad)

9. Don’t lend friends money. (Everyone)

10. Don’t get into business with friends who are always late. (Me)

11. Drink vitamin C and fish oil. (Fiancé)

13. Pay on the first date if you really like the guy. This makes you seem powerful. (Dad)

14. Don’t watch too much television, it ruins your eyes (taken metaphorically). (Fiancé)

15. It’s good to sometimes take a side in situations. (Fiancé’s mom)

16. Don’t be late. (Bea, “YStyle” partner in crime)

17. The shorter the skirt, the longer the insecurity or the legs. You can only flaunt the legs if you’re not insecure. (Me)

18. Go organic. (Fiancé)

19. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. (Cristina Garcia, BFF)

20. Always wear nice clothes on the airplane. They will respect you or at least upgrade you. (Mom)

21. Temptation is there to resist. (Me)

22. If you’re hating yourself on some bad days, don’t wear black. (Some stylist)

23. Don’t repeat news that’s a week old. (Tita Millet, Lifestyle boss)

24. Don’t text while eating. (Date who left me in a restaurant because I was texting during a bad date)

25. People will always remember you not for what happened, but for how you handled it. (Doris Ho)

26. Never trust a person who speaks with a fake accent. (Me)

27. Be nice. (Anton San Diego)

28. Always have cash on you, it’s the most reliable thing in this world. (Mom)

29. White walls look unfinished. (Pauline Suaco)

30. Everything looks better in black and white. (Bea Ledesma)