Cosmopolitan Moments

Last week, a friend mentioned a buddy he thought his former classmates might learn a thing or two from. He said the guy could actually have friendly dinners with his ex and current wife–together. I laughed. This wasn’t news to me. Just a few weeks before, a girlfriend had dinner with her spouse’s ex-flame, the ex-flame’s current love and another couple. It’s what writer Krip Yuson and I call a "cosmopolitan moment."

My friend was fine with it, though it really wasn’t her idea of an exciting social engagement. It turned out to be a fun evening, the best part of which was watching her husband re-living the good old days with someone who had been such a big part of his life. She was genuinely touched by the undeniable affection between them (that, according to her, was everything but sexual) and was honestly glad that her husband had such a good friend who appreciated him on a deep level. The more she watched them, the more certain she became that this friendship had contributed to the kind of man her husband is. I had to agree when my friend said she knows her husband’s life is enriched by this special friendship and, for that, she cannot help but be grateful.

I know people who would absolutely forbid their mates from even blinking in the general direction of former lovers. Personally, I don’t see the point in that, unless your mate is a total cad who has violated your trust time and again. In which case, the problem still wouldn’t be with the ex, right? I like to think that people in our past tend to be just that. We make our choices and live by them. If there’s anyone in your spouse’s past who really threatens you, I think it would be a useful exercise to try and ask yourself why, if only for personal clarity. There are enough problems in a marriage without these little pockets of unnecessary, so I say choose your battles. Don’t waste your precious energy on issues that shouldn’t really matter. This doesn’t mean you’ll be ready and willing to fill your life with cosmopolitan moments, but at least you’ll be able to exorcise those unimportant, weight-bearing demons.

I grew up experiencing forced versions of such moments; of people trying to be cosmopolitan but clenching their teeth and suffering instead. I felt, too keenly, cloaked animosity and uncharted awkwardness more than true kinship. In this country, cosmopolitan moments involve not just the people in them, but those around who keep trying not to look. Can you imagine the layers of energies and vibrations one has to deal with? It’s enough to make you want to turn into a rock.

I think that the level of authentic comfort is what makes all the difference. No one should be forced into a cosmopolitan moment, though I do think that violent reactions against it merit introspection. For me, it’s strictly case-to-case. There are certain people I don’t mind being with under specific circumstances but as a general rule, I don’t see the point of cultivating lasting friendships with ex-loves, to the point of going out together regularly. The occasional catch-up lunch is fine. I will not stop my spouse from seeing someone from his past. He gives me parallel freedom. But together, as a couple, I don’t think it necessary to draw them into our social circle unless circumstances somehow inspire it. If true friendship blooms for all of us, why not? I’m not going to stem the natural development of true, lasting alliances, but I will not go out of my way to cultivate them.

I will also not jump tall buildings to build relationships with the exes of friends and siblings. I will be more than civil if children are involved but I simply do not feel the need to bring them into my life beyond that. These are my boundaries. I bend my own rules for some people but refuse to budge for others, for purely personal reasons; reasons I have asked those involved to respect. Most of the time it’s just a feeling in my gut that says the experience would be packed with less than authentic contortions, mostly from me, and why insult everyone with that?

I think cosmopolitan moments are great if everyone involved is truly comfortable in them. But everyone’s feelings must be respected. My experiences as a child have made me wary of these moments, but I appreciate how today’s blended families are opening a new dimension in human relationships that requires us to go beyond petty grievances and be adults in situations frequently loaded with unresolved emotion.

So, for cosmopolitan-moment neophytes, I suggest a simple rule. If it feels ok, do it. If there are violent reactions on your part, take a moment to sort them out, if only to ensure that you’re not polluting your spirit with unnecessary negativity. If nothing else, you come away with a clearer sense of your personal issues. If at the end of that, you feel that your life would still be better without a particular cosmopolitan encounter, stay home.

Every person in my life, past and present, has something to do with the person I’ve become. Taken in this light, how can I not appreciate them and everything they were to me, bad and good? I feel the same way towards everyone in my spouse’s life. And I don’t care to be politically correct. I say it with utmost sincerity. Now, whether I want to have cosmopolitan moments with them is a different story. Personally, it’s not my style, but I do think it’s a wonderful way to widen one’s human horizons. Don’t we all need a healthy dose of that?

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