D.Y.D. (Dirty Young Dude)

He was probably your first boyfriend. Or maybe the last one. One thing’s for sure: you can still smell the stench of his Davidoff in your car, in your room, on your skin and even on the pet. The dude who literally showers under the nozzle of an expensive cologne – thus eradicating any natural scent – is just one of the many telling signs that you are indeed dating a DYD (dirty young dude). Formerly just classified as Dirty Old Men in Training, they are now a specie of their own.

Now, don’t feel used or anything. Unlike dating a dirty old man, which is usually premeditated and never accidental, dating a DYD is something that many of us go through at least once in the dating scene without us even knowing it until the very end. Whether we were too naïve to spot them (most DYD encounters happen in college or high school) or wanted to try a different type of guy (from artiste or bad boy to DYD is a very common transition, although the relationship never lasts), a DYD experience is something one may look back on with chagrin. A sense of humor is a must, and, if only to save you from the therapy bills, try to find the experience entertaining.

Aside from the aforementioned cologne shower, there are many ways to spot a DYD. Here are a couple of examples:

1. Dresses in corporate attire even if he is in college – pleated pants an extra-juicy couture giveaway. Blue-blooded DYDs wear those ubiquitous H belts from Hermes; their seniors tend to use the gold H, while DYDs use silver for a more modern look. I believe there is a secret agreement between DOMs and DYDs; DYDs are not yet quite that flush cash-wise, and thus must wear lesser metal to show their place in the hierarchy of sleaze. Proletarian DYDs use something more sweat-shoppish, such as hip-hop brands, guido labels or psuedo-preppy lines. The belt is a very imperative symbol, as is the watch. All-gold means he’s an alpha DYD, white gold means he’s just one of them and rubber Bulgari, or interestingly enough, a Franck Muller, means he’s a DYD in denial. All other jewelry adds to his DYD points. The more the jewelry, the more Gotti he must be.

2. Simple equation: Small car = small d**k = big ego. I won’t make any rash generalizations, but OK, I will. From empirical experience, young dudes with fancy wheels that make more noise than your dad does when he snores, are the dregs of the DYDs. Maybe my pretzel of thought can be wrong, but what is a young dude who still lives with his mother, father and lolo doing in a Porsche? A mama’s DYD is bad, but a daddy’s DYD is worse.

These DYD’s take pride in treating women like trophies. It can go both ways depending on their prejudice: either they thread you in scraps of cloth, echoing a modern-day Jane from Tarzan, or cloak you like a monk. Anyway they possess you, your schedule revolves around them and any male friend, including the fags, are non-negotiables. DYDs are chauvinistic by nature so it’s a good idea to have no skills whatsoever to attract one (thus their manifestation in your younger, more useless years), except maybe for cooking and massaging. Plus, when they do disappear in the night with the boys, you’d better pray that they don’t come home with an STD.

3. Hair gel and grooming products say a lot about the DYD that you’re dealing with. If he’s still using old-school stuff like Dep or – pray not – Aqua Net, you are so dead. They’re even beneath the (ugh) metrosexuals, who at least have the decency to use ozone-friendly hair products. Anyway, a plus that DYDs have over the richer DOMs is hair, and boy, do they rock it till it falls off. Hair is an essential accessory – they feel that the more gel they use, the more affluent they look. Like success is seen through the patina of titanium-hard locks.

4. The restaurant they take you to is also very telling. If you have acquainted yourself with the staff of Conway’s in The Peninsula Lobby and other hard-money bites in town due to the frequency of visits you and your DYD make, then you are indeed a kept woman without even knowing it. Food is the DYD’s equivalent of the DOM’s condo. Owning real estate is still not a reality even for the DYD himself, let alone his junior trophy, so expensive food may be the way to go for now. It’s rather entertaining for him to try to order wine and mispronounce it – consider that your dessert. Although DYDs have wisened up, perhaps with the advice of their seniors, stick to scotch since Black is easier to pronounce than Pouilly Fuissé.

5. Last but not least, the gifts. No one ever accused DYDs of being overtly pretentious style snobs, so the gifts they bear are a reflection of their tastes. Meaning, overt symbols of wealth. Prada bags are up there, the equivalent of the mix tape the sensitive dude may give you. If it’s nylon, better sharpen your massaging skills. It means only this: I got you something in Prada – now brag about it. A DYD will never know the joys of Lanvin clothing. He may take you to Aman for your birthday or something just so you can tell your friends about it, but most probably your jaunt of choice will be Hong Kong. You know that he wants to marry you when he gives you a matching gold Rolex; if this happens run for your life.

Anyway, some girls like the part of being the kept woman. After all, when working out instead of working at the office fills your days, it’s nice to know that despite your IQ/TOEFL levels you will still enjoy the finer things in life. However, times are changing and men are evolving. It’s said that in a few thousand years men will have significantly less testosterone and will become more akin to women. Maybe that’s why Kevin Federline is the new Brad Pitt. Enjoy it while it lasts.