When people ask about adoption
September 9, 2003 | 12:00am
Society still has not fully accepted the notion of adoption. There is still a stigma on adopted children and people feel absolutely no consideration for the adopted children’s privacy. Many people are well-meaning but quite uneducated when asking about adoption. Many of us behaved this way during our pre-adoptive lives. But we must not overlook questions that convey negativity and/or prejudice about the adopted children or adoption. Whether the question was meant innocently or maliciously, we must learn how to protect the privacy of our children and yet convey their sense of solid belongingness to our families.
Adoptive parents need to know that some people are prone to racism and prejudices to make them feel superior. Others simply do not know better.
Playmates often are prejudiced or ignorant, too. Many painful remarks have left an adopted child with scars and long-lasting insecurities. The point is, we need to assure our children about their situation and teach them how to cope by themselves as prejudices cannot be eliminated completely.
I was culture-shocked as a new adoptive parent when questions like: "Saan mo napulot iyan?" assaulted me. This is probably the most painful embodiment of the cultural prejudice around adoption here in the Philippines. This question is so negative, indicating "pulot," from a supposed dump site — and "iyan" like picking up a thing, or a stray, at best. It took me many weeks to recover from this assault. Whereas earlier, adoption was a glorious sign from God, now we had to deal with derogatory terms like: "ampon," "palaki," or "pulot" and prejudice. But instead of indulging in puzzled sulking, I decided to just learn more skills to protect ourselves from future assaults.
When you are assaulted with adoption questions, think only about two things: security and privacy of your family. You don’t have to please or impress the person or expect him to understand the enriching experience of adoption. According to the book, Parenting An Adopted Child by Karen Lancaster, adoptive parents must follow a mindset like this to help them create proactive responses:
• Do I want to discuss this information with anyone?
• Do I want to discuss this information with this person?
• Do I want to discuss this here?
• Is this an appropriate time?
Should you and your child get ambushed by adoption questions, say in a party, or in the supermarket, you can respond aloud by asking your child, "Do you want to answer that question? Is this the right place?"
As a rule, parents should not give out information that they have not shared with the children. The decision to share adoption details or birthparent stories belongs to the child. Parents of young children can deflect the question by saying, "We intend to let her decide how to answer that question. You can ask her when she’s 12."
If you get caught off-guard and find yourself in an adoption discussion that you deem inappropriate, try one of these three devices: humor, deflecting the question ("Why would you be interested in that question?"), or deferring information ("Please call me at home and I will be happy to discuss adoption issues with you.")
We must remember to empower our children to handle questions about their adoptive status. They must be able to cope with questions that can come from anywhere.
One way by which children learn to respond is by listening to how their parents respond. When you are asked unsuitable questions about your child, give strangers the answers that you want your child to hear, regardless of the question that was actually presented.
Practicing answers also makes spontaneous answers easier for children. A response like "Why would you want to know?" helps children buy time to regain their balance.
Nevertheless, a child will not always be ready for assaults on his status. If this happens, parents should help them cope with the aftermath by validating his feelings about the inappropriate question – "I know that question hurt you a lot. How can I help?" Then you can let the child take the lead again. Maybe you can call the teacher if it happened in school. If no solution is apparent, take some time to figure it out together. But please remember that though we must continue to support his hurts, we must encourage our child to fight on his own.
From the same book, author Kathy Lancaster suggests sample answers for probing questions:
Q: Are those your real parents?
A: Yes.
Q: How come you don’t look like them?
A: They are a lot older than I am.
Q: Did your other parents love you?
A: Yes.
Q: Why did they give you away?
A: Why do you want to know?
Q: Where did you get your brown hair? Your slanted eyes? Your long legs?
A: From my mom and dad.
Q: Is she yours?
A: Yes.
Q: Are they brother and sister?
A: Yes.
Q: What were her real parents like?
A: "Well, I am 37 years old, 5’3," on the slim side, etc." Or "Uh – we are her real parents (with matching "duh" face).
Q: Why did her mother give her up?
A: Birthparents choose to make an adoption plan for many reasons. If you are interested in learning about adoption, call me at home.
Q: When will you tell her she was adopted? What will you tell her about her "other parents"? How much did the adoption cost? Etc.
A: If you are interested to learn more about adoption, call me at home.
Remember you do not have to answer any question about adoption if you feel the question is invasive. Sometimes, it helps to have a ready response, such as "We only discuss family issues with people who have shown us their financial statements. So have you filed your taxes yet?"
Meanwhile, children can also counter with a "So?" Or with an indifferent attitude to probing questions like "Aren’t you adopted?" "So why did your mother give you up?" And though assaults like these are really quite painful, indifference still proves to be an effective tool.
As adoptive families, we are still entitled to our privacy. I hope these tools can help us safeguard and protect the dignity of our children and our families.
Please e-mail comments and questions to mrcuenca@yahoo.com.
Adoptive parents need to know that some people are prone to racism and prejudices to make them feel superior. Others simply do not know better.
Playmates often are prejudiced or ignorant, too. Many painful remarks have left an adopted child with scars and long-lasting insecurities. The point is, we need to assure our children about their situation and teach them how to cope by themselves as prejudices cannot be eliminated completely.
I was culture-shocked as a new adoptive parent when questions like: "Saan mo napulot iyan?" assaulted me. This is probably the most painful embodiment of the cultural prejudice around adoption here in the Philippines. This question is so negative, indicating "pulot," from a supposed dump site — and "iyan" like picking up a thing, or a stray, at best. It took me many weeks to recover from this assault. Whereas earlier, adoption was a glorious sign from God, now we had to deal with derogatory terms like: "ampon," "palaki," or "pulot" and prejudice. But instead of indulging in puzzled sulking, I decided to just learn more skills to protect ourselves from future assaults.
• Do I want to discuss this information with anyone?
• Do I want to discuss this information with this person?
• Do I want to discuss this here?
• Is this an appropriate time?
Should you and your child get ambushed by adoption questions, say in a party, or in the supermarket, you can respond aloud by asking your child, "Do you want to answer that question? Is this the right place?"
As a rule, parents should not give out information that they have not shared with the children. The decision to share adoption details or birthparent stories belongs to the child. Parents of young children can deflect the question by saying, "We intend to let her decide how to answer that question. You can ask her when she’s 12."
If you get caught off-guard and find yourself in an adoption discussion that you deem inappropriate, try one of these three devices: humor, deflecting the question ("Why would you be interested in that question?"), or deferring information ("Please call me at home and I will be happy to discuss adoption issues with you.")
One way by which children learn to respond is by listening to how their parents respond. When you are asked unsuitable questions about your child, give strangers the answers that you want your child to hear, regardless of the question that was actually presented.
Practicing answers also makes spontaneous answers easier for children. A response like "Why would you want to know?" helps children buy time to regain their balance.
Nevertheless, a child will not always be ready for assaults on his status. If this happens, parents should help them cope with the aftermath by validating his feelings about the inappropriate question – "I know that question hurt you a lot. How can I help?" Then you can let the child take the lead again. Maybe you can call the teacher if it happened in school. If no solution is apparent, take some time to figure it out together. But please remember that though we must continue to support his hurts, we must encourage our child to fight on his own.
From the same book, author Kathy Lancaster suggests sample answers for probing questions:
A: Yes.
Q: How come you don’t look like them?
A: They are a lot older than I am.
Q: Did your other parents love you?
A: Yes.
Q: Why did they give you away?
A: Why do you want to know?
Q: Where did you get your brown hair? Your slanted eyes? Your long legs?
A: From my mom and dad.
A: Yes.
Q: Are they brother and sister?
A: Yes.
Q: What were her real parents like?
A: "Well, I am 37 years old, 5’3," on the slim side, etc." Or "Uh – we are her real parents (with matching "duh" face).
Q: Why did her mother give her up?
A: Birthparents choose to make an adoption plan for many reasons. If you are interested in learning about adoption, call me at home.
Q: When will you tell her she was adopted? What will you tell her about her "other parents"? How much did the adoption cost? Etc.
A: If you are interested to learn more about adoption, call me at home.
Remember you do not have to answer any question about adoption if you feel the question is invasive. Sometimes, it helps to have a ready response, such as "We only discuss family issues with people who have shown us their financial statements. So have you filed your taxes yet?"
Meanwhile, children can also counter with a "So?" Or with an indifferent attitude to probing questions like "Aren’t you adopted?" "So why did your mother give you up?" And though assaults like these are really quite painful, indifference still proves to be an effective tool.
As adoptive families, we are still entitled to our privacy. I hope these tools can help us safeguard and protect the dignity of our children and our families.
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