What do you want to be when you grow up?

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” I asked my son Bryan when he was five years old. “Would you like to be a businessman like your dad?” To my disappointment, he shook his head and said, “I want to be a policeman when I grow up.” Two years later, I asked him the same question hoping he would change his mind. He did, but far from my hope of his wanting to be a businessman, he says he wants to be a firefighter.

Adults ask kids this question all the time. And when the kids answer, they get disappointed.

Maybe there’s a better way and question to ask:

• From: “What do you want to be?”

• To: “What do you want to do?”

This subtle exchange makes a huge difference.

The famous psychologist Dr. Denis Whitley said, “Think back to the one thing you liked doing best in your childhood days that made you happy. The question now is are you doing it, and if not, why not?”

I loved writing essays, while my friends in school hated it. As an introvert, I was not particularly eager to participate in recitation. Still, when alone in the house, I would pick up an imaginary microphone and visualize myself on a stage in front of a vast audience. I thought I would be a rockstar singer, and good grief; that did not happen. Today I write, and I speak. Hmmm.

Perhaps as a child, you enjoyed math and loved to mix and match clothes, take apart things, and build things; whatever it was, the chances are that it is related in some way to something you are doing now, even if you are not doing it in the same way. At their core, the things we really like do not change over time. Happiness, therefore, comes from the things we do, not the statuses we attain.

So, here’s what this means for your kids.

Instead of asking, “What would you want to be,” ask, “What would you want to do.”

It’s easy to reply to the “be” question with a job title or a tag without understanding how and why. Answering the “do” question requires them to abandon labels and tags to reach the core activities. They’ll know themselves better. Focusing on what they want to be – a doctor, a businessperson, an engineer, or social media TikTok influencer makes it easier to wind up confusing what they want to do with what others want to do. Focusing on what they would like to do may also reveal many apparent things about them.

My youngest daughter Rachel took up multi-media arts in college. I remember during those days when parents asked me about her college course, and many wondered while others would sneer. “Will she make money out of doing films and videos?” But here is the thing. Rachel loves dabbling with technology and creating art. While assisting me with slides and presentations and being a captive audience forced to listen to my business and leadership presentations, she now handles me as a business and helps me do my craft better. I always say that Rachel is now my employer, though she quickly counters, “But Dad is still my landlord.”

How do you put a tag on graduating “multi-media arts?” Would that be “MMA?” I don’t think she has the muscles and build to be a mixed martial arts fighter. That’s the problem with tags and titles. Today I can think of one. She is a technopreneur. She understands technology, accounting, sales, and marketing, and she enjoys what she is doing and is happy doing it. This is why she improves her craft constantly. Bryan is now an entrepreneur with his resto and Kurimu ice cream business. His sister Hannah is now in the fashion business. They all love what they do, and they are doing it very well.

The most significant advantage in the shift from “What do you want to be” to “What do you want to do” is that the kids will thrive in a changing world without being locked into a title or a tag, they can do what they do relevant to the needs of the changing times.

I would suggest letting the kids “what to do part” focus on their skills, natural talents, and competence development. And then to let their “what to be” part focus on the character. To be godly, righteous, and productive, a person who will help make this world a better place long after we have departed from it. That’s where the “being” comes in.

(Francis Kong’s podcast “Inspiring Excellence” is now available on Spotify, Apple, Google, or other podcast streaming platforms.)