Is it too late now to say sorry? 2016 resolutions for 16 celebs
MANILA, Philippines – From Apple Music to Alma Moreno (with reservations), some folks weren’t on their best behavior last year. With new beginnings in mind, we present 16 resolutions for famous personalities who may need to clean up their act this 2016.
Because it’s a new year and we strive to start it honestly, let’s begin by admitting that New Year’s resolutions exist to be taken back. So because we’re already pretty sure that we’ll break our own, we’ve rounded up a few choice people we can immolate from a safe, non-committal distance instead. Happy New Year!
Miley Cyrus
That Miley is controversial is old news. But bear outfits and freed nipples took a backseat last year when she got caught up in a spat with Nicki Minaj, giving pop culture its new favorite catchphrase. The next time she weighs in on discussions of race and civility, Miley would do well to remember that she’s a barely-there-skinny white woman. Rule of thumb: Opinions that “aren’t too kind” and opinions that are valid aren’t mutually exclusive.
Donald Trump
First off, let’s face the fact that Trump has more chances of growing hair than humanity this year. He is, after all, the proud US presidentiable who will “end political correctness in order to secure our homeland.” That said, we can only hope that in 2016, “The Donald” will lose interest in politics and resolve to go back to his original vocation of being a surprisingly mediocre businessman.
Caitlyn Jenner
When Bruce introduced herself to the world as Caitlyn, she broke ground not only for herself but the whole trans community. She’s deserving of a place in this list only because her contentious new show I Am Cait was bogged down, ironically, by the Kardashians—reality TV royalty and masters of inauthenticity. While family is a big part of the trans experience, there are already plenty of ways to keep up with that one.
Bongbong Marcos
There are politicos who can get away with cutesy stunts (Obama), and then there is Bongbong. As a VP hopeful, it would be wise to invest in a PR team that doesn’t think dressing up as a Jedi is a killer idea. We could add that he should dish out some belated apologies of the martial law variety, but that seems a lost cause. A millennial who isn’t a misguided Marcos apologist can only dream.
One Direction
“It’s not goodbye, it’s just, ‘See you later,’” said Liam last year as ocean levels rose with the tears of their very publicly grief-stricken fans. A no-brainer resolution: Get their act of perfect hair, tighter-than-tight pants, and just-okay singing voices together and tape up the hearts of Directioners everywhere.
Rodrigo Duterte
Our nation’s answer to Trump, Duterte is the great divider, the self-professed womanizer, extrajudicial killer, and proud misogynist currently fighting for a seat in Malacañang. For his resolutions he should look into investing in a hardbound copy of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and explaining, once and for all, what the 30 means in #Du30.
Bill Cosby
Nose-diving from TV dad in endearingly frightful sweaters to serial sex predator, Cosby ended his year with over 50 women accusing him of rape, child abuse, and drug-facilitated sexual assault. Since it’s a bit late in the game to promise to keep his prying hands to himself, for 2016 he ought to accept that his legacy is forever tainted and begin sneaking toward quiet ignominy. (Unfortunately, he ruined even that when, in December, he filed countersuits for defamation. Cute.)
Taylor Swift
Last year Taylor got main credits for turning the #squad into pop culture currency. The self-professed awkward girl with few childhood friends latched onto this newfound force of supercool people, all of whom need only first names for identification. While we should delight in powerful women who are friends rather than competitors, there’s also something mildly nauseating about the way Swift parades them—perhaps because they’re actually exclusivity personified. In 2016 she ought to strive for a less calculated, less commodified version of her friendships—even if we’re perfectly aware that that’ll just be another calculated move.
Manny Pacquiao
The People’s Champ had a rough year of major tax issues and a loss in one of the most anticipated (and expensive) bouts in boxing history. But as consolation the Sarangani Representative also decided to run for senator—this, despite skipping out on all but four Congressional sessions in 2014. In boxing as well as in politics, 2016 should be the year Pacman steps out of the ring.
Steve Harvey
It’s one thing to beset a country with two and a half minutes of false hope—but it’s become a much more terrifying thing to anger the Internet. Following his prodigiously awkward slip- up at the Miss Universe pageant, Harvey should enter the new year with grace and weather the vitriol. The world will forgive (read: grow tired of) him eventually. All the same, he should also vow to check and re-check his tweets before sending them off into pitiless cyberspace.
Sepp Blatter
Whispers of graft and corruption have dogged Blatter since before he started his long reign as FIFA president in ‘98. Yet the sneaky political strategist turned teetering Machiavellian is putting up a fight. Despite being banned from football for eight years, he claims he’s still the organization’s innocent president. To say it simply, in 2016 he’d better think hard on the idiom, “There is no ‘I’ in team.”
Justin Bieber
Bieber revived the hearts of Beliebers and won over countless (though often reluctant) new ones last year. With the album “Purpose,” the bratty singer reintroduced himself as a superstar with talent genuinely worth our attention—but was still something of a brat nonetheless. The struggle to always be “on” is legitimate, but storming off stage and cutting shows short are steps in the wrong PR direction. In 2016, he needs to prove that he’s grown up as much as his music has.
Alma Moreno
The electorate usually trains their criticism on the big fish, but this wasn’t the case for this senatorial stooge. Moreno became an easy target even for the politically uninformed when she couldn’t quite put her finger on some of today’s most pressing issues. In the year her name will appear on the ballots, she may be interested in reading up on the RH Law and why keeping the lights on isn’t a bulletproof method of birth control.
Nic Pizzolatto
We were rooting for you, Nic, we were all rooting for you! It could be argued that the stellar reception of season one of his HBO crime drama show True Detective practically paved the way for backlash come season two. All the same, the creator and showrunner needs to sit himself down at the drawing board this year and do some serious thinking about why everyone loved him in the beginning.
Apple Music
After being touted as the music streaming game changer, the beginning of the end of Spotify, Apple Music turned out to be... just okay at best. Though curation with a human touch is hyped as its strong point, this pales when contrasted with the app’s confusing and unfriendly interface. They’ll need to seriously step up their game because they still aren’t anything you wouldn’t ditch in favor of P9/month Spotify.
Topping off our timelines with political commentary, too many hugot jokes, and Mark Zuckerberg’s weirdly annoying philanthropy, Facebook becomes the most unenjoyable social media platform—and the one we just can’t quit. Even as it’s elbowed aside by cousins like Instagram or WhatsApp, we seem doomed to passive Facebook dependence. But pretty soon we’ll wise up, and if Facebook expects people to stick around, it better find ways to give users what they truly want: Room to make their feeds about themselves again.
Art by Ross Du and Shy Cabajar
