Man’s best friend is on fire

The year of the fire dog is upon us. Predictions are being thrown here and there, everyone’s talking about it. It’s on TV, it’s on radio, it’s in the newspapers, the wino on the corner is screaming "fire dog!"

I don’t know what it means.

Fire dogs help firemen fight fires, right? They get up on their hind legs, call out orders, and connect fire hoses to the nearest fire hydrant. So in the "fighting fires" paradigm, the overall prediction for this year is that hose-wielding dogs clad in fire coats sporting oblong hats will save your house if it catches fire. If you have a cat that is trapped inside and needs to be saved, however, it won’t be. Consider that a small compensation to the brave, honest, non-cash soliciting fire dog that risked life and limb to save your home. The firedog would have also felt compassion and saved your cat from the mess and trouble of getting repeatedly bulldozed by huge screeching tires as fire trucks speed away from the scene. Furthermore, by ascending into kitty heaven, your cat will no longer suffer paranoia and nightmares of the neighbor’s freaky dog experiments (rumors between cat friends is that a successful round-robin, quadruple criss-cross-criss-cross breed between a Rotweiler, German Shepherd, Pit bull, and Doberman has produced the legendary telepathic monster Bullrot Sherman. All that separates you from certain cranial explosion from a sharp telepathic blast is a thin picket fence and your master’s fragrant oregano patch). Know that the firedog thinks in your best interest as well, and rest assured, your cat has been released from further pain and anguish. It would be enjoying a beluga caviar sundae with danggit flakes up in feline paradise.

Well that’s one prediction. Okay, so let’s try to break it down a bit. What do "fire" and "dog" mean, and how did they come together? Dogs are smart and loyal animals that we love as pets and companions. The fire could be a signal to initiate something, something big and radical that will flip things around this year. The year of the fire dog could mean that this fire within the dogs is going to spur them to see past their usual roles as friends and companions. The dogs, in their quest for equality with their masters, will succeed in doing so this year. This year, the dogs will take the first steps to better communication with us humans. Likewise, the understanding we have with our dogs will only become clearer this year. We know that the dogs can communicate among themselves, so consider this scene as a possible attempt to communicate with humans:

Try imagining an old-school movie, complete with subtitles, about a Mao Tse-Tung, Special Ops., Kung-Fu Chinese recon unit (This fire dog business is, after all, Chinese in origin). Replace all the main characters with dogs that can talk. The background music is some ‘70s funk track used in a classic Bruce Lee film. Or something that would remind you of Black Belt Jones, or even a Chinese equivalent of Shaft, if there were such a thing.

The Kung-Fu dogs have received some interesting information and are relaying info via barking to one of their agents in the field:

HQ: Firedog, this is headquarters! Come in firedog!

FD: Firedog reporting for duty, sir!

HQ: There is a human approaching your vicinity, e.t.a. 74 seconds. Our sources tell us they have a pizza, pepperoni over four-cheese with goat cheese and Camembert, copy?

FD: Copy that HQ. The pizza’s as good as ours. Over and out.

This could be the first step to communicating with us. Dog-to-dog communication will take a step further this year, and dog-to-human communication will improve as well. As the year progresses, predictions point to further enlightenment for all canines, allowing them to know their rights, and to speak up for themselves. Furthermore, at some point this year, someone’s dog is actually going to approach him or her and say in faultless English: "Hey man, I’m hungry. Let’s go and get some good siopao from Binondo. And I want a Lay-Z boy recliner too."

And what about earth dogs, wind dogs, water dogs, and heart dogs? With their powers combined, will they unleash (no pun intended) Captain Canine, defender of doggies everywhere; a hero that works towards a tomorrow where dog meat is no longer a delicacy, and dog pounds and dog shelters will rival houses in posh neighborhoods around the world? The coming of Captain Canine is a possibility this year, but the prediction ends there. For any canine that gets its paws on a copy of this article, sorry man, can’t be promising anything.

Is the firedog something that will speak like the burning bush to the Moses of the doggies? Predictions of a newly revised Ten Doggy Commandments will be revealed this year by the blazing firedog. The path to salvation for our canine friends is going to be successfully paved this year with these ten simple instructions:

1. Though shalt give all honor and praise to Lord Anubis and his 12 Disciples: St. Polgas, St. Lassie, St. Dogbert, St. Benji, St. Huckleberry Hound, St. Astro, St. Pluto, St. Goofy, St. Muttley, St. Air Bud, St. Meatball, and St. Beethoven.

2. Though shalt always take good care of thy master.

3. Though shalt watch Disney’s The Fox and the Hound, and memorize it by heart.

4. Honor thy father and mother. Thou shalt try thy best not to mate with thy mother.

5. Thou shalt watch Balto and memorize that too.

6. Thou shalt be conscious: after licking your balls, don’t go and try licking thy master right after.

7. Thou shalt not chase cats on the Sabbath.

8. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. Except for cats. Thou must destroy them all.

9. Though shalt not eat the mudguards or pee directly on the brake rotors of thy master’s car.

10. Thou must remember: A bitch in heat is a bitch in heat.

Is a firedog a hotdog? Is it a German frank, hot off the grill, wrapped in a double layer of bacon, with chili, cheese sauce, ground beef, pickle relish, ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, and mayo?

The year of the fire dog predicts that I will have a hotdog exactly like that first thing in the morning.

Thanks to Ail and Bro. Terrence for the suggestion. Peace and love brothers and sisters! Happy year of the firedog, whatever that means!

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E-mail me at enricomiguelsubido@yahoo.com. .