Beware the Neanderthal
March 12, 2004 | 12:00am
Hi Marc,
Should a girl be submissive to her partner? I’m 19 years old and I always get pissed off when my boyfriend and I argue because he wants me to tell him everything – where I am, what I am into, etc. And he wants me to do everything that he wants even though I don’t like it. He told me a girl who is committed should be submissive and should do whatever her partner wants. But I don’t agree with him. Is there a problem with me? Am I selfish or what?
Gee
A committed girl should be submissive?! She should do whatever her partner wants!?! Ooh boy, is your boyfriend in for a serious reality check! What does he think this is? Neanderthal times where all a girl needs is a good club over the head to start the romance? Sounds like your boy is a spoiled brat with false delusions of grandeur and superiority. Someone needs to bring him back down to this planet and give him a good, swift kick in his sexist, arrogant behind!
No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you in so far as wanting to do what you want. A relationship is all about equality, and as you may remember from grade school math, when two things are equal, it means that they both carry the same weight and value. In other words, your opinions/likes/wants are worth just as much as your boyfriend’s. It’s all very well to make certain adjustments for someone you love, maybe by sacrificing a girl’s night out to watch his championship basketball game or something, but similarly, he should occasionally skip his beer and tongits night with the boys to watch a movie with you.
Now don’t think I want your boyfriend to be weak and indecisive or anything. There’s nothing wrong with a guy being a bit forceful and making decisions from time to time, especially if you’re one who has a hard time choosing a place to eat for example. But he should also ask for your approval, and listen if you would prefer something different to what he has decided for both of you. That’s just plain good manners.
When a guy wants to know where you are all the time and what you’re doing, that’s usually a sign of insecurity. Basically he’s afraid that you’re out meeting new guys and feels worried that you might meet someone you like better than him. To be honest, that doesn’t sound like a hard thing to do (there must be heaps of guys out there who would treat you better than your overbearing boyfriend). A little concern about a partner’s whereabouts is healthy, but psycho-stalking their every move is a bit over the top. A relationship should be about trust. If you can’t trust your partner and vice versa, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship.
It’s normal to have different interests, and if you don’t want to do something, then no one should be able to force you to do it against your will, most especially someone who is supposed to love and respect you. I think it’s time you had a little sit-down with your boyfriend and started explaining what the real world is like, and that you expect a lot more respect and independence if he wants the relationship to continue. It’s not about how committed you are as a girlfriend, but about his whole attitude to women in general and you in particular. Maybe he comes from a very patriarchal family where his mother has always bowed to his father’s wishes, and that’s what he now expects as well (I feel sorry for his poor mom!). It’s your job to point out the error of his ways. If he can’t handle this new world order of equality, then maybe he should start looking for a new girlfriend – some poor girl with no backbone or independence, although I sincerely hope he doesn’t find anyone foolish enough to put up with his present attitude. Maybe being single for a while will bring the message home a bit.
So the next time your boyfriend or anyone else says that a committed girl should be submissive to a guy, tell him that any guy who believes a girl should be submissive needs to be committed themselves – to one of those nice institutions with the lovely padded rubber walls and men in white coats!
Marc
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