Two-timer! When your textmate is not your boyfriend
March 7, 2003 | 12:00am
Hi Marc!
I’m an avid reader of your column. I like the way you give advice. Now it’s my turn to ask you for help.
I am really bothered with what I’ve just done. I know after reading this you’ll think that I’m a two-timer. Here goes: I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for two-and-a-half years. Two weeks ago, a friend gave me a guy’s number who wanted to be my textmate. We became friends through texting. We would send each other sweet messages and he would call me on my cellphone. Last week, we decided to meet. I told my boyfriend I was going out with my cousins. Instead, I went out with my friend who gave me my textmate’s number and her boyfriend who happened to be a friend of my textmates. We met and decided to watch a movie. He was so sweet. He put his head on my shoulder and tried to hold my hand, but I wouldn’t let him. By the way, my textmate knows I already have a boyfriend. When I got home, he asked me if I love him. All I could say was, "I don’t know . . . maybe." I’m very guilty and confused about what I did. I really love my boyfriend. What can I do to forget this other guy and go on with my life with my boyfriend? Hope you can help.  Confused Lady
Well, you’re right about one thing. I think you are a two-timer. What you did was wrong, and to be honest, you deserve all the drama and guilt that you’re going through now. I know it must have been tempting and exciting to text with someone else after being in a relationship for two-and-a-half years, but come on. Maybe you just wanted to do something a bit naughty to spice up your life, and was flattered that someone else was interested in you. Whatever the reason, you took it too far, but hopefully not so far that you can’t fix it.
Texting with someone is one thing, and many people can see little harm in that, in much the same way that online flirting in chatrooms is often accepted as a harmless pastime (kind of like role-playing…ever notice how everyone describes himself as "tall, athletic body and part-time model" in chatrooms?). However, you have made a few mistakes along the way that bumps it up to the next level. Firstly, you let it get a bit too sweet, and also made it more personal by actually talking to him on the phone. What were you thinking?! How would you like it if your boyfriend was chatting and saying sweet things to another girl behind your back?
What makes it even worse is that you’re not the only one guilty here. Your friend knew you have a boyfriend, and went out of her way to set you up with this other guy. She even went on a double date with you! I’m sorry, but unless your present boyfriend is a complete jerk, she has no right to try and break the two of you up like that. Friends are supposed to be supportive and help you in your relationships. They’re not supposed to try and drive you into cheating! Secondly, this guy that you’ve been texting knows that you have a boyfriend, and yet he still hit on you. Not only is that unbelievably bad manners, but he is showing you just how much he disrespects your boyfriend and the love and relationship you’ve built over the years. That in itself should tell you that this guy is low on morals. A gentleman would let you know he’s interested, and then wait for you to split up before trying to move in.
However, just because the two of them have a guilty hand in what has happened so far, doesn’t mean that you get away without blame. Sure they may have pushed you towards the edge of cheating, but you’re the one who decided to jump. Peer pressure is no excuse, and you should really show a bit more backbone and loyalty to your boyfriend in the future.
OK, so now we’ve established that you screwed up by texting, chatting and generally leading this guy on. Going out with him was a huge step in the wrong direction (not to mention lying to your boyfriend to do so!), but did you really have to tell him that "maybe" you’re in love with him? I mean really! Even if you didn’t have a boyfriend, what kind of girl falls in love on the first date? I think you are forgetting what a serious word that is if you’re throwing it around so carelessly. Remember the depth of feeling, memories and companionship that you have after two-and-a-half years with your boyfriend. Can it really even begin to compare? At most you’re probably just enjoying that initial kilig feeling, but trust me, it’s not love.
So what are you going to do now? As far as I can tell, you have a couple of choices. You could break up with your boyfriend and run off with your new friend and enjoy your newfound "maybe" love until you realize what a huge mistake you’ve made and that maybe it wasn’t love after all. By that time your old boyfriend will hopefully have found a nice new girlfriend who appreciates and stays loyal to him. You’ll then cheat on the new one and switch and swap boyfriends looking for something that resembles your first two-year relationship, but to no avail. You’ll probably end up an old maid, or even reap what you sow by having your boyfriends cheat on you as well. Sounds pretty miserable huh?
Your other option, of course, is to tell the new guy that you can’t see him any more as you’ve just realized how much you love your boyfriend and it’s all been a big mistake. That’s the easy part. The hard thing will be telling your boyfriend everything, from start to finish. I know it’ll be scary, and there is a chance that he won’t forgive you, but a loving relationship should not have those kinds of secrets and this is the price you have to pay for screwing up. You might be thinking of keeping it a secret from him, but not only will the guilt eat away at you, but what happens if your boyfriend finds out from someone else? Then your relationship (not to mention reputation) is out the window no matter what. Better to explain to him that it started with innocent texting and just got out of hand, but having gone down that path, you realized just how much you love him and it has strengthened your resolve never to consider doing it again. When it came to the crunch, the fear of losing him was enough for you to walk away from the temptation.
After that, it’s just a matter of crossing your fingers and hoping that your boyfriend loves you enough to forgive you. If he does, remember that it’s a one-shot deal. He’s unlikely to forgive you if you stray again, so good luck to you both. If not, well then you’ve learned a very valuable lesson you won’t forget in a hurry. Oh, one last thing, I’d have a serious chat with your girlfriend about her morals. I just hope her boyfriend realizes that if she’s willing to help a friend cheat, then shouldn’t he wonder what else she’s capable of doing on her own?  Marc
Lately, a lot of guys have showed interest in me. Instead of feeling flattered, I am hurt and insulted. I feel like I am a thing and not a person. I can imagine what the guys are saying: "Sakin siya ngayon, bukas sa yo naman." Why do I feel that guys see me as a doll, not as a person? Please help.  Sad Smiley
Wow, someone is carrying some pretty heavy psychological baggage! It’s great that guys are interested in you, and most girls would kill for that kind of attention. So what on earth is making you feel like a piece of meat? There must be some kind of basis for you thinking like that.
I’m guessing that you’ve had a bad experience in the past, maybe with one of your previous boyfriends? Maybe you fell for a guy and then he just used you and then dumped you without caring? Or is it what the guys have been saying to you that makes you feel this way? Kind of the chatting-up equivalent of a construction worker’s catcalls? I can see how Johnny Bravo-type lines like "If I tell you that you have a great body, will you hold it against me?" or "You have a fine-looking chassis. Mind if I take you for a test drive?" can leave you feeling less than impressed with the male gender.
And to be fair to you, there are a whole lot of guys out there with little in their heads, most of which revolve around the three-letter word starting with s and ending with x (I put it in code so they won’t figure out we’re talking about them). Now, I’m certainly not denying that normal guys can sometimes get a bit preoccupied with this (OK, OK, maybe more than sometimes), but at least they’ll still treat you with the respect you deserve.
So how do you tell the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right-now? The same way you’ve always gotten to realize what a person is like, by talking and getting to know them. A lot of the time you can tell straight away what a guy thinks of you by the way he acts or what he says. If he spends most of his time talking to your cleavage rather than your eyes, you can bet that romantic poetry readings over coffee are not at the forefront of his mind. Likewise, if he talks about how sexy you look and dwells very little on how you are as a person, but rather on what you look like, then you know he probably hasn’t seen the inner you with a good heart, just noticing your outer shell with the nice legs.
Remember that not all guys are sleazes looking for a trophy, and there are plenty of nice guys out there. Even if you weren’t looking for anything serious, there are nice guys who will treat you as an equal. Any experience they’ve shared as a wonderful and memorable moment, they will keep to themselves rather than brag to their friends. You can’t go through the rest of your life feeling miserable about the attention you’re getting.
Instead, try learning to live with it. Heck, be happy, no  be ecstatic, about the fact that guys pay a lot of attention to you. Also learn how to carry it and even use it to your advantage. If a guy is hitting on you and you don’t like it, tell him politely that you’re not interested, or that you have a boyfriend. If you reject him too strongly in front of his friends he’ll probably call you stuck up (who said guys weren’t sore losers?), so it’s good to be nice but firm. Realize that a nice smile from a beautiful woman will get things done a lot faster and more pleasantly than loud shouts from an annoyed person will. Use this fact to get good service or maybe just to brighten up someone’s day.
Finally, be thankful for what you have. You may see it as a burden now, but think of all those other girls who crave for a guy’s attention until they’re blue in the face. You are lucky enough to have reached what they strive for. Don’t tell me you’d rather be left alone without anyone giving you a first, let alone, a second look. At least this way you can pick and choose. Just make sure that you don’t make the same mistake of those other guys by choosing on looks alone. You now know how shallow that can feel.  Marc
Hi! I saw you at the domestic airport around New Year. I think you just came back from Boracay. I wanted to approach you to say what a great job you’re doing writing your advice column and hosting Sports Unlimited, but I was nahiya, so I didn’t.
I am writing you to ask you how I can get rid of my pagkamahiyain without becoming mayabang and makapal ang mukha. I just want to face the world with my head held high. For example, when I’m standing in front of a crowd, I tend to speak fast and people laugh and I make a fool of myself. I also want to be able to come up and talk to people like you. How can I become confident?  Bashful
Don’t be too hard on yourself. After all, Bashful is probably the most endearing of the 7 dwarfs (certainly more so than Sneezy or Grumpy). You’re also far from being alone. A large portion of the population suffers from shyness to some degree. Even the loudest and most outspoken of your buddies can be reduced to stutters and mental blanks if faced with a large crowd, a girl he really likes, or even his boss.
What it usually comes down to is nervousness. If you’re talking to someone and for some reason they make you feel uncomfortable or nervous, you tend to lose concentration as your mind starts to worry. This causes you to fumble with your speech and stumble over your words, not giving yourself enough time to think of what comes next. This stumbling and stuttering causes you to become even more conscious of things going wrong, and that people are starting to notice, thus making you even more nervous, and so on and so forth. It actually becomes a bit of a vicious cycle, with the nervous person often digging themselves deeper and deeper, and thereby becoming more and more shy as a defense against experiencing that again.
Sounds like a no-win situation, huh? Well all is not lost. Once you know what the problem is, you can do something about it. Of course knowing that nervousness is the root means that the obvious solution is to not be nervous. A lot easier said than done though. Or is it? You need to analyze what it is about a person or situation that makes you nervous. Is it because you’re afraid they’re going to laugh at you for messing up? Or do you think you’ll say the wrong thing and they’ll think that you’re stupid? These two are probably the most common reasons for being nervous, but are quite manageable if you put your mind to it.
Deal with the first problem by using the worst-case scenario method. In other words, think of the worst thing that can happen in that particular situation. It would probably be your fears being realized and having people laugh at you for messing up what you’re saying. OK, now you’ve been through that before, right? You know that it feels embarrassing, but you’ve managed to live with it. It’s not the end of the world, and people still speak to you, correct? OK. So learn to accept the worst and not be afraid of it. Once you realize it’s not that bad then you can work on just jumping into a conversation without fear. The less you worry about how badly you’ll do, the less badly you will do.
Just in case you do say something that makes people laugh, don’t get all shy about it and make it worse, instead laugh along with them and make a joke of the mistake you may have made. Everyone likes a guy who’s self-deprecating enough to laugh at himself.
Now what about saying the wrong thing and appearing stupid? Well, the best prevention against that is to know what you’re talking about. You may want to start by finding a common ground in the conversation or a topic that you like. For instance, if you’re interested in cars, a specific sport, politics or even the latest movie, look for an opening and try and steer the conversation around to that topic, but also make sure that it’s something the other person finds interesting, too. If you want to join a conversation, listen carefully to what’s being said and be confident about what you have to add. If you’re cmfortable with what you’re saying then the actual talking will come as second nature.
Also, remember to slow things down. Sometimes people tend to get excited and talk so fast that their mouth runs faster than their brain and they end up stumbling or getting stumped for a word. Much better to think things through before saying anything.
Another important thing to remember is not to get intimidated by people. We’re all just flesh and blood, with much the same fears and feelings. You shouldn’t be any more afraid of approaching me at the airport than asking a stranger for directions. As long as you do so with a smile and kind words, you’ll find that most people are quite happy to have a short conversation with you.
And lastly, the factor that you yourself know you need. Self-confidence. This is a matter of being comfortable with who you are and not being ashamed of it. Think of all your strong points and be proud of the things you’ve achieved in your life so far. I mentioned before that we’re all the same flesh and blood, but we’re also all different individuals. Be happy that you’re unique and remember that what you feel on the inside projects to how people see you on the outside. Be happy and confident with yourself and that’s how others will perceive you, head held high always.  Marc
Send questions to: question_marc@hotmail.com
I’m an avid reader of your column. I like the way you give advice. Now it’s my turn to ask you for help.
I am really bothered with what I’ve just done. I know after reading this you’ll think that I’m a two-timer. Here goes: I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for two-and-a-half years. Two weeks ago, a friend gave me a guy’s number who wanted to be my textmate. We became friends through texting. We would send each other sweet messages and he would call me on my cellphone. Last week, we decided to meet. I told my boyfriend I was going out with my cousins. Instead, I went out with my friend who gave me my textmate’s number and her boyfriend who happened to be a friend of my textmates. We met and decided to watch a movie. He was so sweet. He put his head on my shoulder and tried to hold my hand, but I wouldn’t let him. By the way, my textmate knows I already have a boyfriend. When I got home, he asked me if I love him. All I could say was, "I don’t know . . . maybe." I’m very guilty and confused about what I did. I really love my boyfriend. What can I do to forget this other guy and go on with my life with my boyfriend? Hope you can help.  Confused Lady
Well, you’re right about one thing. I think you are a two-timer. What you did was wrong, and to be honest, you deserve all the drama and guilt that you’re going through now. I know it must have been tempting and exciting to text with someone else after being in a relationship for two-and-a-half years, but come on. Maybe you just wanted to do something a bit naughty to spice up your life, and was flattered that someone else was interested in you. Whatever the reason, you took it too far, but hopefully not so far that you can’t fix it.
Texting with someone is one thing, and many people can see little harm in that, in much the same way that online flirting in chatrooms is often accepted as a harmless pastime (kind of like role-playing…ever notice how everyone describes himself as "tall, athletic body and part-time model" in chatrooms?). However, you have made a few mistakes along the way that bumps it up to the next level. Firstly, you let it get a bit too sweet, and also made it more personal by actually talking to him on the phone. What were you thinking?! How would you like it if your boyfriend was chatting and saying sweet things to another girl behind your back?
What makes it even worse is that you’re not the only one guilty here. Your friend knew you have a boyfriend, and went out of her way to set you up with this other guy. She even went on a double date with you! I’m sorry, but unless your present boyfriend is a complete jerk, she has no right to try and break the two of you up like that. Friends are supposed to be supportive and help you in your relationships. They’re not supposed to try and drive you into cheating! Secondly, this guy that you’ve been texting knows that you have a boyfriend, and yet he still hit on you. Not only is that unbelievably bad manners, but he is showing you just how much he disrespects your boyfriend and the love and relationship you’ve built over the years. That in itself should tell you that this guy is low on morals. A gentleman would let you know he’s interested, and then wait for you to split up before trying to move in.
However, just because the two of them have a guilty hand in what has happened so far, doesn’t mean that you get away without blame. Sure they may have pushed you towards the edge of cheating, but you’re the one who decided to jump. Peer pressure is no excuse, and you should really show a bit more backbone and loyalty to your boyfriend in the future.
OK, so now we’ve established that you screwed up by texting, chatting and generally leading this guy on. Going out with him was a huge step in the wrong direction (not to mention lying to your boyfriend to do so!), but did you really have to tell him that "maybe" you’re in love with him? I mean really! Even if you didn’t have a boyfriend, what kind of girl falls in love on the first date? I think you are forgetting what a serious word that is if you’re throwing it around so carelessly. Remember the depth of feeling, memories and companionship that you have after two-and-a-half years with your boyfriend. Can it really even begin to compare? At most you’re probably just enjoying that initial kilig feeling, but trust me, it’s not love.
So what are you going to do now? As far as I can tell, you have a couple of choices. You could break up with your boyfriend and run off with your new friend and enjoy your newfound "maybe" love until you realize what a huge mistake you’ve made and that maybe it wasn’t love after all. By that time your old boyfriend will hopefully have found a nice new girlfriend who appreciates and stays loyal to him. You’ll then cheat on the new one and switch and swap boyfriends looking for something that resembles your first two-year relationship, but to no avail. You’ll probably end up an old maid, or even reap what you sow by having your boyfriends cheat on you as well. Sounds pretty miserable huh?
Your other option, of course, is to tell the new guy that you can’t see him any more as you’ve just realized how much you love your boyfriend and it’s all been a big mistake. That’s the easy part. The hard thing will be telling your boyfriend everything, from start to finish. I know it’ll be scary, and there is a chance that he won’t forgive you, but a loving relationship should not have those kinds of secrets and this is the price you have to pay for screwing up. You might be thinking of keeping it a secret from him, but not only will the guilt eat away at you, but what happens if your boyfriend finds out from someone else? Then your relationship (not to mention reputation) is out the window no matter what. Better to explain to him that it started with innocent texting and just got out of hand, but having gone down that path, you realized just how much you love him and it has strengthened your resolve never to consider doing it again. When it came to the crunch, the fear of losing him was enough for you to walk away from the temptation.
After that, it’s just a matter of crossing your fingers and hoping that your boyfriend loves you enough to forgive you. If he does, remember that it’s a one-shot deal. He’s unlikely to forgive you if you stray again, so good luck to you both. If not, well then you’ve learned a very valuable lesson you won’t forget in a hurry. Oh, one last thing, I’d have a serious chat with your girlfriend about her morals. I just hope her boyfriend realizes that if she’s willing to help a friend cheat, then shouldn’t he wonder what else she’s capable of doing on her own?  Marc
Wow, someone is carrying some pretty heavy psychological baggage! It’s great that guys are interested in you, and most girls would kill for that kind of attention. So what on earth is making you feel like a piece of meat? There must be some kind of basis for you thinking like that.
I’m guessing that you’ve had a bad experience in the past, maybe with one of your previous boyfriends? Maybe you fell for a guy and then he just used you and then dumped you without caring? Or is it what the guys have been saying to you that makes you feel this way? Kind of the chatting-up equivalent of a construction worker’s catcalls? I can see how Johnny Bravo-type lines like "If I tell you that you have a great body, will you hold it against me?" or "You have a fine-looking chassis. Mind if I take you for a test drive?" can leave you feeling less than impressed with the male gender.
And to be fair to you, there are a whole lot of guys out there with little in their heads, most of which revolve around the three-letter word starting with s and ending with x (I put it in code so they won’t figure out we’re talking about them). Now, I’m certainly not denying that normal guys can sometimes get a bit preoccupied with this (OK, OK, maybe more than sometimes), but at least they’ll still treat you with the respect you deserve.
So how do you tell the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right-now? The same way you’ve always gotten to realize what a person is like, by talking and getting to know them. A lot of the time you can tell straight away what a guy thinks of you by the way he acts or what he says. If he spends most of his time talking to your cleavage rather than your eyes, you can bet that romantic poetry readings over coffee are not at the forefront of his mind. Likewise, if he talks about how sexy you look and dwells very little on how you are as a person, but rather on what you look like, then you know he probably hasn’t seen the inner you with a good heart, just noticing your outer shell with the nice legs.
Remember that not all guys are sleazes looking for a trophy, and there are plenty of nice guys out there. Even if you weren’t looking for anything serious, there are nice guys who will treat you as an equal. Any experience they’ve shared as a wonderful and memorable moment, they will keep to themselves rather than brag to their friends. You can’t go through the rest of your life feeling miserable about the attention you’re getting.
Instead, try learning to live with it. Heck, be happy, no  be ecstatic, about the fact that guys pay a lot of attention to you. Also learn how to carry it and even use it to your advantage. If a guy is hitting on you and you don’t like it, tell him politely that you’re not interested, or that you have a boyfriend. If you reject him too strongly in front of his friends he’ll probably call you stuck up (who said guys weren’t sore losers?), so it’s good to be nice but firm. Realize that a nice smile from a beautiful woman will get things done a lot faster and more pleasantly than loud shouts from an annoyed person will. Use this fact to get good service or maybe just to brighten up someone’s day.
Finally, be thankful for what you have. You may see it as a burden now, but think of all those other girls who crave for a guy’s attention until they’re blue in the face. You are lucky enough to have reached what they strive for. Don’t tell me you’d rather be left alone without anyone giving you a first, let alone, a second look. At least this way you can pick and choose. Just make sure that you don’t make the same mistake of those other guys by choosing on looks alone. You now know how shallow that can feel.  Marc
I am writing you to ask you how I can get rid of my pagkamahiyain without becoming mayabang and makapal ang mukha. I just want to face the world with my head held high. For example, when I’m standing in front of a crowd, I tend to speak fast and people laugh and I make a fool of myself. I also want to be able to come up and talk to people like you. How can I become confident?  Bashful
Don’t be too hard on yourself. After all, Bashful is probably the most endearing of the 7 dwarfs (certainly more so than Sneezy or Grumpy). You’re also far from being alone. A large portion of the population suffers from shyness to some degree. Even the loudest and most outspoken of your buddies can be reduced to stutters and mental blanks if faced with a large crowd, a girl he really likes, or even his boss.
What it usually comes down to is nervousness. If you’re talking to someone and for some reason they make you feel uncomfortable or nervous, you tend to lose concentration as your mind starts to worry. This causes you to fumble with your speech and stumble over your words, not giving yourself enough time to think of what comes next. This stumbling and stuttering causes you to become even more conscious of things going wrong, and that people are starting to notice, thus making you even more nervous, and so on and so forth. It actually becomes a bit of a vicious cycle, with the nervous person often digging themselves deeper and deeper, and thereby becoming more and more shy as a defense against experiencing that again.
Sounds like a no-win situation, huh? Well all is not lost. Once you know what the problem is, you can do something about it. Of course knowing that nervousness is the root means that the obvious solution is to not be nervous. A lot easier said than done though. Or is it? You need to analyze what it is about a person or situation that makes you nervous. Is it because you’re afraid they’re going to laugh at you for messing up? Or do you think you’ll say the wrong thing and they’ll think that you’re stupid? These two are probably the most common reasons for being nervous, but are quite manageable if you put your mind to it.
Deal with the first problem by using the worst-case scenario method. In other words, think of the worst thing that can happen in that particular situation. It would probably be your fears being realized and having people laugh at you for messing up what you’re saying. OK, now you’ve been through that before, right? You know that it feels embarrassing, but you’ve managed to live with it. It’s not the end of the world, and people still speak to you, correct? OK. So learn to accept the worst and not be afraid of it. Once you realize it’s not that bad then you can work on just jumping into a conversation without fear. The less you worry about how badly you’ll do, the less badly you will do.
Just in case you do say something that makes people laugh, don’t get all shy about it and make it worse, instead laugh along with them and make a joke of the mistake you may have made. Everyone likes a guy who’s self-deprecating enough to laugh at himself.
Now what about saying the wrong thing and appearing stupid? Well, the best prevention against that is to know what you’re talking about. You may want to start by finding a common ground in the conversation or a topic that you like. For instance, if you’re interested in cars, a specific sport, politics or even the latest movie, look for an opening and try and steer the conversation around to that topic, but also make sure that it’s something the other person finds interesting, too. If you want to join a conversation, listen carefully to what’s being said and be confident about what you have to add. If you’re cmfortable with what you’re saying then the actual talking will come as second nature.
Also, remember to slow things down. Sometimes people tend to get excited and talk so fast that their mouth runs faster than their brain and they end up stumbling or getting stumped for a word. Much better to think things through before saying anything.
Another important thing to remember is not to get intimidated by people. We’re all just flesh and blood, with much the same fears and feelings. You shouldn’t be any more afraid of approaching me at the airport than asking a stranger for directions. As long as you do so with a smile and kind words, you’ll find that most people are quite happy to have a short conversation with you.
And lastly, the factor that you yourself know you need. Self-confidence. This is a matter of being comfortable with who you are and not being ashamed of it. Think of all your strong points and be proud of the things you’ve achieved in your life so far. I mentioned before that we’re all the same flesh and blood, but we’re also all different individuals. Be happy that you’re unique and remember that what you feel on the inside projects to how people see you on the outside. Be happy and confident with yourself and that’s how others will perceive you, head held high always.  Marc
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