Dating destiny

Dear Marc,

I have a question that I’ve been itching to ask. Your thoughts and advice would be much appreciated. My question is, what is destiny? Could you relate to the saying, "If two people are meant for each other, no matter how many times they say goodbye, no matter how many people try to pull them apart, they’d still be together in the end. If you let go of the one you love, will she eventually come back to you — considering the fact that you were meant for each other?" — JK

Hmm, destiny is a funny thing. It seems to have an amazing power to make things happen the way some people want them to. And then again, sometimes it doesn’t. There are those who believe that destiny is a type of god (half brother of fate I think) in the same way they believe in Lady Luck. However, like luck and fate, destiny shouldn’t be tempted or relied upon too much, as it has a nasty habit of losing interest if you test it too much.

So, from the sound of it, you’re in a situation with someone you care about, and you’re hoping that destiny will be the net that catches the two of you when you’re torn apart. Nice theory, but as I just mentioned, don’t depend on it too much. I’m guessing that the two of you have very strong feelings for each other and that’s why you feel it’s your destiny to be together. Remember that first crush you had when you were in your teens? That felt like destiny as well, huh? Sure, you may think that you’ve matured beyond petty crushes now, and this is the real thing. But how can you be so sure, as you would have sworn the same thing all those years ago.

OK, let’s assume this is the real thing, and there are forces at work (friends? family?), trying to keep the two of you apart. Love is strong, and destiny is great to believe in, but I find it works a whole lot better when you back it up with some good old-fashioned personal determination. For instance, it may be your destiny to win a sprinting gold at the next Olympics, but if you don’t back it up by training and preparing all the time, then destiny may just decide to go for a quiet smoke away from all that noise on race day and leave you to stagger in dead, last.

Same thing with relationships. It may be your destiny to be together, but that means you have to work for it as well. Stay in touch, keep the flame alive, try and convince your detractors that you should be together, etc. If her family doesn’t think you’re good enough for her, then study and work hard to prove that you are. If your friends think she’s a snob, then she should work on being friendlier. Whatever your obstacles, you’ll get over them a lot faster by working on them rather than just giving up and leaving it to a fantasized concept of destiny.

Oh yeah, there is one very important point I forgot to mention. You were asking, "...If you let go of the one you love, will she eventually come back to you — considering the fact that you were meant for each other?" Now I can’t stress this enough: If you really, truly want her to come back, make sure she actually wants to. This means if she dumped you and is no longer in love, I might suggest adjusting your personal concept of destiny and start looking for a new girlfriend. — Marc

* * * Shy Guy

Dear Marc,

I always read your column every Friday in The STAR. You’re not only a hunk but you’re a good writer and adviser.

I am 32 years old and I am still a bachelor. My mom and other relatives insist that I settle down and have a family. Problem is I have a hard time finding the right girl because I am shy and I worry that the girl would turn me down.

Suddenly, I have an officemate who is open and candid about her feelings for me. She is willing to court me (instead of the other way around) just to prove how much she loves me. She texts me everyday saying that she wants to be my partner for the rest of our lives. I am beginning to like her and I’ve texted back that I love her, too! Can I happy with a girl who makes the first move? — Gerry

Gerry, what have you been doing all your life that you’re this shy at the age of 32? Your question is whether or not you can be happy with a girl who makes the first move, but I think there are some other issues that you need to address as well. First of all, at the age of 32, you should be able to make your own decision and not feel pressured by your family to do what they feel is expected of you (i.e., settle down and have a family). If that’s what you want, OK, but if you don’t feel you’re ready, then don’t rush it.

Secondly, there’s a little personality trait called "self-esteem" that seems to have gone for an extended vacation from your psyche. Being a bit shy is fine, and most guys are afraid of rejection at some point, but that’s just the way life is. It’s one of those little fears that we have to work on in order to go forward. Think of it as something akin to learning how to walk or swim when you were young. It may have been difficult at first, but the more you practice, the easier it gets, plus it’s a great foundation for the rest of your life. Get some confidence back in your life and realize that it’s not the end of the world if you get rejected. Take it all in as a learning experience and you’ll soon find out that it’s the self-assured (but not arrogant and mayabang) guys who aren’t afraid of rejection who succeed in getting most of the dates because: a) Girls are attracted to someone who oozes with confidence and is comfortable being themselves around anyone, and b) Because of the law of averages, if a guy has the confidence to ask out 10 girls in a year, his chances of getting a date are a whole lot better than someone who doesn’t ask any (sounds like anyone you know?).

These are issues you really should work on, but back to the question at hand. Is it possible for you to be happy with a woman who makes the first move? Sure! Why not? I’m always telling girls that there is nothing wrong with a girl making the first move, especially with shy guys like you. Remember, equality of the sexes is a good thing (although we thankfully don’t have to go through childbirth). If she really likes you that much, then good for her and good for you. You’re a very lucky man to have found someone willing to hurdle your shyness obstacle for you.

That being said however, you should still take things slow and don’t rush into getting married straight away. Judging by your question, I’m going to assume that you haven’t had that much experience with relationships. If this is in fact the case, then I’d advise spending a good deal of time with this girl as girlfriend/boyfriend before telling your mom to start picking out names for a new grandchild. Maybe a couple of years would be OK to make sure you both really do know each other well enough for the next big step. It should also give you enough time to realize if this is really the girl for you (fingers crossed), or if you just like her because she saved you the trouble and potential embarrassment of asking someone out yourself (I really hope not).

I wish you the best of luck, and hope things work out. Who knows? This may be true love and maybe she can bring you out of your shell. The thing to remember is, try and get over the shyness, discover who you are and what you want. Not only will it help you decide who you want to be with, but it’ll also show your partner who you really are. (Plus, it’ll be a pleasant change for her to receive the flowers for a change). — Marc

* * * Jologs-Free Wardrobe

Hey Marc!

First of all, let me tell you that your column is popular in our office. My friends recommended it and I find it interesting. Keep up the good work, dude.

Let me go straight to my problem, I’m 24 and I just started my second job. My first job did not require me to dress up. But my present job does. I’m sad to admit it, but I think I’m jologs. I look like a teeny-bopper at work. I don’t know what to do. I would like your advice on a working man’s closet — the basic clothes, shoes, accessories. — Mr. Jologs

Well, you’re certainly humble enough to know what you need to work on. Hopefully, you can be as honest with your work as you are with yourself. Don’t feel bad though, I’m sure your casual wear is fine out of the office, and in fact many of your workmates probably have a similar wardrobe away from work. Nothing wrong with having a personal and comfortable style, although you’re correct in thinking that the office needs something a little more formal.

So, where do you begin? I’d start by using a decent chunk of your first paycheck to treat yourself to a new basic wardrobe. We’re fortunate here in the Philippines that you can get decent quality office clothes at a reasonable price. A lot of people go for the traditional barong, but I personally prefer a shirt and tie. It looks sharper and neater. Also, you can express some individuality in your choice of tie.

So your basic office wardrobe should start with a pair of dark pants, a simple black leather belt, black leather shoes, dark socks, long-sleeve polo and tie. You want the pants to be dark so that they don’t show the dirt.

Black is always a good color as it goes well with anything. For variety, you might want to try a dark gray also (just for the record, hot pink is not an option). Try and get a cotton blend that is wrinkle-resistant so they won’t need pressing every day. The shoes should be simple and elegant but hard-wearing. I personally try to get a pair with rubber soles, as I don’t like the way leather soles are slippery on some floors. Also, it’s very important that they are, above all, comfortable, as you’ll be wearing them every day. Try and avoid fake leather shoes as they don’t let your skin breathe, which causes sweaty feet and foot odor (unless you’re really trying to avoid making new friends). I’m a great believer in matching leathers, so this means if your shoes are black, your belt should be, too. I take it one step further by matching my watch strap but that’s probably a bit too much for most people.

Speaking of matching, the color of the socks should, generally speaking at least, match the color of the pants. So, black pants mean black socks, etc. However, I have been known to wear unique socks to make a statement. My favorite pair that I picked out last time I was in Australia are gray, with little pictures of cows doing the wild thing all over it. They are way cool and good enough to wear with anything.

The polo should be cotton, as it is cool and will allow your skin to breathe, thus avoiding that "sticky" feeling you get with manmade fibers. The color should be lighter than your pants (if they’re dark) as you want to have a distinct separation of the legs and torso. This is another reason why it’s important to wear a belt. It puts your body in proportion and also pinches in the clothes at the waist a bit which should project a body wider at the shoulders and tapered at the waist.

As I mentioned before, a tie is a great way to express your personality or mood for the day. I used to work in an office, and would generally wear ties with simple patterns. Once in a while though, I’d bring out my Marvin the Martian tie, or Winnie the Pooh. For some reason, the girls in the office just loved those (which of course meant I’d start wearing them more often!). A general rule for ties is to buy silk (they’re really not very expensive, and the generic ones look as good as the branded), as they look a lot better and knot properly. Avoid clip-ons, as a tie is worth learning how to knot. Besides, you’ll lose major pogi points if that cute secretary tries to pull you into the broom closet by your tie and it then comes off in her hands (the tie that is…).

A suit may not be essential unless you are attending a lot of meetings. If you do need one and can afford it, try and save up and get a decent designer make you one. That way, you can choose your own design and make sure it fits just right. Try to use a lightweight material so it’s not too hot, and get an extra pair or two of pants, as they’ll need replacing a lot sooner than the coat. Once again dark colors will triumph over dirt (which means less trips to the dry cleaners).

As you can start affording new clothes, get a few more shirts of varying shades and colors, as well as ties (they’re only a couple of hundred pesos at the most). You can probably get away with two different pairs of pants, and then just mix and match the combinations to come up with a completely different outfit for every day of the week.

One last thing, feel the way you dress. On the weekends you can dress the way you feel, but at work, when you’re wearing office attire, feel like a corporate man and wear the clothes like you were born into them. Look tidy and people will become aware of the change and give you the attention you deserve. I, myself, am a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy, but if I need to get dressed up, then I make sure people are going to notice.

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Send questions to question_marc@ hotmail.com